"The Basics"
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        LIGHTS up on JANICE standing center in front of a
                                        podium.

                                   JANICE
                          (pounding her fist on the
                           podium)
            ... until each path of diplomacy is explored and charted we
            cannot resort to aggression. Nations have spoken against it.
            The people of this nation have spoken against it. Yet still
            our leaders ignore the very people who gave them power.
                          (she points emphatically)
            If your voice is not being heard, I say raise it! If you
            disagree with your representatives, exercise your right to
            select new ones.
                          (softer, and genuine)
            I have my opinions and I have my beliefs. But I tell you this
            now. If elected, it is your voice through which I will speak.
            That is my promise... and where I come from, a promise means
            something.

                                        From the front row of the house, THAD leaps to his
                                        feet.

                                   THAD
            Terrific. That was just terrific. Applaud, everyone. It's all
            right.

                                        THAD leads applause.

                                   THAD
            Okay Janice. How did that feel?

                                   JANICE
            It felt good.

                                   THAD
            It felt good, Thad. We're all friends here.

                                   JANICE
            It felt good... Thad.

                                   THAD
            Great. Okay. Anyone notice anything wrong?

                                   ROBERT
            She pointed.

                                   THAD
            That's right, Robert. Now Janice, I know it seems nit-picky
            when I do this, but believe me it's necessary. Your dad can't
            buy you a Presidency if you don't at least know the basics.
            You're on the Zoning Board, right?

                                   JANICE
            No. Councilwoman.

                                   THAD
            That's right. You're here now, taking my advanced class in
            the hopes of moving up to the next level. There's no shame in
            that. Therefore, we have to be completely honest. That's why
            I have to ride your ass hard about these basics. So what do
            we need to remember?

                                   ROBERT
            It's not aggression, it's suggestion.

                                   THAD
            Correct. So take that finger number two...
                          (he points, then folds the tip
                           of his finger back politician
                           style)
            ... and point it right back at you.
                          (a beat)
            You live and die by the basics. But let's move on before I
            get started on your suit. So. What about the malarky? She
            obviously found a pretty good writer, how was her delivery?

                                   ROBERT
            I liked the malarky a lot. Can I get the number of the guy
            who wrote it?

                                   JANICE
            Actually, I wrote...

                                   THAD
            Hey now. That's for after class or the web board.

                                   JANICE
            I don't like that you call it malarky...

                                   THAD
            Again, we're talking basics Janice. Your content is
            irrelevant. You could even really mean it. But you can't feel
            it. We call it 'malarky' to create a distance between
            ourselves and the things we say.
                          (coming to the podium to
                           demonstrate)
            When you get emotional you lose sight of the basics -- soon
            you'll be pointing all over the place.
                          (he chuckles)
            Class, what did you think of the fist pounding?

                                   ROBERT
            I liked it.

                                   THAD
            You liked it because it was exciting. Imagine yourself a
            voter. Some mad woman is on stage pounding her fist on the
            podium.
            It can be an effective tool when used properly -- by a man.
            But I don't think the voters are ready for Senator Woodruff
            here to go Lady MacBeth on them.

                                   JANICE
            Winthrup. My name is Councilwoman Janice Winthrup.

                                   THAD
            Okay. Janice. You're being much too emotional. You just can't
            seem to wrap your legs around the basics. If you want me to
            soften blows and pretend that the rules aren't different for
            women and men, I could... but this class wouldn't be
            advanced, it would be 'special.' Is that what you really
            want? To be in the 'special' class?

                                   JANICE
            I want you to go to hell.

                                        She storms off.

                                   THAD
            Well! There goes someone we'll never see on C-SPAN. Okay.
            Who's next?

                                   ROBERT
            I'll go.

                                   THAD
            Robert, you've gone already. One speech per class, you know
            that. Now, I haven't heard a peep from my star pupil. Are you
            ready former Vice President Gore? We're gonna get you to that
            next level in no time.

                                        BLACKOUT.
            THE END

"The Basics" debuted March 21, 2003, with the following cast:

Jenn Cousin, Eric Johnson, Dave Berman

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