"Quack"
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        LIGHTS up on a man, BRENT, sitting in a chair. A
                                        DOCTOR enters and sits near him.

                                   DOCTOR
            Mr. Wilson, or Brent, yes? Welcome. I'm Dr. Sherman. Let's
            see what we've got here, shall we?

                                        He smiles generically and consults his clipboard.

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
            Says here you're suffering from numbness. Whereabouts?

                                   BRENT
            All over, really.

                                   DOCTOR
            Any one area more than the rest?

                                   BRENT
                          (indicating his head)
            Well, here mostly.

                                   DOCTOR
            Hmmm. I have a suspicion... Would you say you feel this?

                                        The DOCTOR slaps BRENT.

                                   BRENT
                          (in shock)
            Whoa!? Hey! Why did you...?

                                   DOCTOR
                          (calmly reassuring)
            Don't worry. I've a pretty good idea what's happening. I've
            been seeing a lot of this lately.

                                        He slaps BRENT again.

                                        BRENT leaps to his feet.

                                   BRENT
            What the hell are you doing?

                                   DOCTOR
            How are you feeling now?

                                   BRENT
                          (sharply)
            I don't know -- confused.

                                   DOCTOR
            Hmmm. This could take a good deal of treatment.

                                   BRENT
            Of what? For what?

                                   DOCTOR
            Well, which is it?
                          (he stands)
            Do you want to know what you'll be taking or what you have,
            you French fried deer dropping?

                                   BRENT
            Both. Did you just call me...?

                                   DOCTOR
            And that's your problem. When did the numbness first begin?

                                   BRENT
            Probably more than a year ago. But it's gotten real strong
            the last couple of months.

                                   DOCTOR
            What's happened in your life or in the world the last couple
            of months that's different for you?

                                   BRENT
            Ummm... Well, there's been a lot of talk about war with Iraq,
            I guess, and that's on everybody's mind. Everyone's always
            asking what I think about it and...

                                   DOCTOR
            ... what do you think of the U.S. Aggression against Iraq?

                                   BRENT
            Well I... Um... On one hand I understand that Saddam is a
            sonofabitch and... but, you know without real provocation...

                                   DOCTOR
            I'll just cut you off right there. You're suffering from
            indecisicilia, Mr. Wilson. Your lack of a backbone is
            preventing you from committing to a decision. The fear of
            being rash has manifested itself as numbness within.

                                   BRENT
            Oh. I guess I can see that. Well, what should I do?

                                   DOCTOR
            You need to get in touch with your irrational side, you taint
            lick mud miner. You see everyone's a little bit right. So
            you've just got to get mad at one side, ass face jelly bones.

                                        He slaps BRENT again.

                                   BRENT
            Look pal, stop hitting me and stop calling me names or I'm
            going to hit you back.

                                   DOCTOR
            No you won't, a yellow shrivel penis like yourself could
            never...

                                        BRENT punches the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR
                                        stumbles back and holds his face.

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
            Tell me how you feel about Saddam, right now!

                                   BRENT
            FUCK SADDAM!
                          (a beat of clarity)
            Ah. Ah! Ah ha!

                                   DOCTOR
            You see? Are you feeling numb?

                                   BRENT
            No. No, I just want to kick some ass!

                                   DOCTOR
            There you go. Two fights a day -- verbal or physical -- and
            you'll be good and irrational indefinitely.

                                   BRENT
            Wow. Thanks -- you fucking quack.

                                   DOCTOR
            Hehe.

                                        The DOCTOR smiles and raises his fist in
                                        preparation for a punch.

                                        BLACKOUT.
            THE END

"Quack" debuted at No Shame Goes To War, on March 8, 2003, performed by Chris Clarke and Jeff Goode.

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