"Quack" By, Dave Ulrich LIGHTS up on a man, BRENT, sitting in a chair. A DOCTOR enters and sits near him. DOCTOR Mr. Wilson, or Brent, yes? Welcome. I'm Dr. Sherman. Let's see what we've got here, shall we? He smiles generically and consults his clipboard. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Says here you're suffering from numbness. Whereabouts? BRENT All over, really. DOCTOR Any one area more than the rest? BRENT (indicating his head) Well, here mostly. DOCTOR Hmmm. I have a suspicion... Would you say you feel this? The DOCTOR slaps BRENT. BRENT (in shock) Whoa!? Hey! Why did you...? DOCTOR (calmly reassuring) Don't worry. I've a pretty good idea what's happening. I've been seeing a lot of this lately. He slaps BRENT again. BRENT leaps to his feet. BRENT What the hell are you doing? DOCTOR How are you feeling now? BRENT (sharply) I don't know -- confused. DOCTOR Hmmm. This could take a good deal of treatment. BRENT Of what? For what? DOCTOR Well, which is it? (he stands) Do you want to know what you'll be taking or what you have, you French fried deer dropping? BRENT Both. Did you just call me...? DOCTOR And that's your problem. When did the numbness first begin? BRENT Probably more than a year ago. But it's gotten real strong the last couple of months. DOCTOR What's happened in your life or in the world the last couple of months that's different for you? BRENT Ummm... Well, there's been a lot of talk about war with Iraq, I guess, and that's on everybody's mind. Everyone's always asking what I think about it and... DOCTOR ... what do you think of the U.S. Aggression against Iraq? BRENT Well I... Um... On one hand I understand that Saddam is a sonofabitch and... but, you know without real provocation... DOCTOR I'll just cut you off right there. You're suffering from indecisicilia, Mr. Wilson. Your lack of a backbone is preventing you from committing to a decision. The fear of being rash has manifested itself as numbness within. BRENT Oh. I guess I can see that. Well, what should I do? DOCTOR You need to get in touch with your irrational side, you taint lick mud miner. You see everyone's a little bit right. So you've just got to get mad at one side, ass face jelly bones. He slaps BRENT again. BRENT Look pal, stop hitting me and stop calling me names or I'm going to hit you back. DOCTOR No you won't, a yellow shrivel penis like yourself could never... BRENT punches the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR stumbles back and holds his face. DOCTOR (CONT'D) Tell me how you feel about Saddam, right now! BRENT FUCK SADDAM! (a beat of clarity) Ah. Ah! Ah ha! DOCTOR You see? Are you feeling numb? BRENT No. No, I just want to kick some ass! DOCTOR There you go. Two fights a day -- verbal or physical -- and you'll be good and irrational indefinitely. BRENT Wow. Thanks -- you fucking quack. DOCTOR Hehe. The DOCTOR smiles and raises his fist in preparation for a punch. BLACKOUT. THE END"Quack" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Quack" debuted at No Shame Goes To War, on March 8, 2003, performed by Chris Clarke and Jeff Goode.