"CONDOR"
By, Dave Ulrich
Lights up.
Over the ledge facing the house BRAD is looking
through the scope of a sniper rifle at a downward
angle as if on top of a building.
MASON is upstage eating a sandwich.
The walkie-talkie crackles and MASON reacts to
it. BRAD just barely turns his head away to see if
MASON is going to take care of it.
UNIT COMMANDER (OS)
(through walkie-talkie)
This is Unit Commander. Team Hollywood. Do you copy? Over.
BRAD
Mason. Copy that.
MASON picks up the walkie-talkie. He looks at it
for a second, then turns to BRAD.
MASON
Unit Commander, this is Team Hollywood.
(releases walkie-talkie button)
I just say "We copy." Right?
BRAD
Yes.
MASON hits the button.
MASON
Copy that. I mean, we copy -- Fuck.
(releases the button)
Shit.
(presses the button)
Over.
UNIT COMMANDER (OS)
(through walkie-talkie)
Hollywood, the CARIBOU has landed, and we have ICE in the
gutter. The PELICAN is in en route to your A-O. November
Sierra Tango. Over.
MASON looks at BRAD, but BRAD is offering no
help. MASON hits the button with a pained look on
his face and says:
MASON
Condor.
BRAD turns and hangs for a moment.
BRAD
Condor?
MASON
I don't know. Look, if they're going make shit up, I'm gonna
make shit up.
BRAD
They aren't making shit up. Those are directives.
MASON
How am I supposed to know the codes? They didn't give them in
the briefing. I thought Gary was just being gay.
BRAD
Jesus, Mason. The manual.
MASON pulls a document from his back pocket. It
unfolds to a large booklet that reads
"HOMELAND SECURITY SNIPER UNIT -
CODE MANUAL. TOP SECRET." There is a blue
dot in the lower right hand corner.
MASON
What should I look up? What did he say?
BRAD
I heard 'CARIBOU,' Check out 'CARIBOU.'
MASON flips through the pages.
MASON
Nope. Not in here.
BRAD
Dude, there's a blue dot. Blue dot is Tuesday. It's Thursday.
Thursday is orange dot. You brought Tuesday, dumb ass.
MASON
I can't keep up with all this shit? Gimme yours.
BRAD
Shut up.
MASON
You call me dumb ass and you didn't bring one at all?
BRAD
Shut up.
MASON
I got it. Check this out. 'PELICAN' is obviously 'President.'
So 'CARIBOU' is probably 'chopper.'
BRAD turns his head slightly toward MASON.
A red laser scope light appears on MASON's
forehead. He senses it.
MASON
Ah man, fuck off.
(beat)
Brad.
BRAD looks through the scope at a level angle.
BRAD
It's fuckin' Gordon and Westley again.
MASON flips them the bird.
MASON
Assholes!
The laser light goes out.
BRAD goes back to his downward angle scope.
MASON goes back to his sandwich.
Out of nowhere BRAD chuckles sardonically.
BRAD
Condor.
MASON
Shut up. 'CARIBOU' and 'chopper' both begin with 'c.'
BRAD
So?
MASON
As does 'condor.'
BRAD
I have no response to that.
Walkie-talkie crackles.
UNIT COMMANDER (OS)
(through walkie-talkie)
Team Hollywood this is Unit Commander.
Tactical units are standing by. Can you confirm 'CONDOR?' I
need confirmation. Are we a go on "CONDOR?" Over.
BRAD and MASON freeze for a moment.
BRAD
Jesus!
MASON
(whispering)
Don't answer it.
BRAD
(whispering)
We gotta answer it.
MASON grabs the walkie-talkie.
MASON
No go on 'CARIBOU!' Cannot confirm.
BRAD
Whoa!
MASON
'Condor!' Repeat: No go on 'condor!'
(beat)
Over.
UNIT COMMANDER
Roger that, Hollywood.
(beat)
The PELICAN is secure, all units stand down. That's a wrap,
Hollywood. I repeat, that's a wrap. Over.
Silence.
BRAD
Close one.
They are both awash with relief. After a beat, the
red laser light reappears on MASON's chest.
Without turning, they both flip the bird to Gordon
and Westley again.
Blackout.
THE END
"Condor"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Condor" debuted February 7, 2003, with the following cast:
Chris Clarke, Dave Ulrich, Eric JohnsonPerformed at Best of No Shame (Los Angeles) March 27th-April 5th, 2003, with the following cast:
MASON - Chris Clarke
BRAD - Dave Ulrich
UNIT COMMANDER - Eric Johnson (March 27th-29th) / Knighty (April 4th & 5th)
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