The Call Button Of Harvey Treehorn

"The Call Button of Harvey Treehorn"
By, Dave Ulrich
Copyright Š2003 Dave Ulrich

Lights up to 3/4.

HARVEY is lying diagonal on the floor center
stage on his back. In his hand is a Pez dispenser.

When he wakes, he realizes that he is lying on the
hard ground. He starts to attempt to sit up, but
gets overwhelmed with pain and howls out in
agony.

He raises his hand and presses his thumb on the
top of the Pez dispenser.

After a beat of HARVEY continuing to lie on his
back, FLORENCE enters.

Lights to full.

FLORENCE
May I help you?

HARVEY
(straining from pain)
I do hope so. Nurse, I appear to have fallen from my bed or
something. It actually feels like I'm lying on concrete or...

FLORENCE
Oh, indeed you are. And I am no nurse.

HARVEY
(still in pain)
I'm sorry. I hear what you're saying, but both of those
things seem kind of... wrong, I guess. Am I delirious?

FLORENCE
Perhaps. Maybe this will help.

FLORENCE kisses HARVEY's forehead.

He smiles blissfully.

HARVEY
(quite calm)
Oh. That was nice.
(beat)
You're... you're not a nurse?

FLORENCE
No, I am not.

HARVEY
But didn't I crash?... I thought that... I remember... Am I
dead?

FLORENCE
Oh no, Harvey. You are quite alive. However, you are rather
damaged, my sweet man.

HARVEY
Will I be okay?

FLORENCE
I do hope so.

HARVEY
Well, what did the doctor say?

FLORENCE
That's not important, Harvey.

HARVEY
Well, why am I not in bed? Where am I?

FLORENCE
Oh, my dear, sweet man. You are on the sidewalk, of course.

HARVEY
But I was... I thought I was in the hospital.

FLORENCE
You were.

HARVEY
Why am I here now?

FLORENCE
Oh Harvey. My lovely man. You don't have insurance!

HARVEY
So they put me out on the... I've... But I have a call
button!

He holds it out and pushes repeatedly with his
thumb.

FLORENCE
Harvey. That's a Pez dispenser. It's for comfort. It's
psychological.

A beat as this lands on him.

HARVEY
But I have a nurse. I have you.

FLORENCE
Oh, I'm no nurse.
(pause)
Why don't you have insurance, Harvey?

HARVEY
I lost my job. Who are you?

FLORENCE
I'm Florence.

HARVEY
(unimpressed)
Okay.

FLORENCE
I am the fairy godmother of the uninsured.

HARVEY
You are?

FLORENCE
Oh yes, my dear, sweet, beautiful man. Now, just relax.

He strokes Harvey's hair lovingly.

HARVEY calms immediately.

HARVEY
(dream-like pleasure)
You are so nice to me Florence.

FLORENCE
It's why I'm here.

HARVEY
So very nice... Please don't ever leave me. Say you won't
ever leave.

FLORENCE
Oh, but I have to.

HARVEY
Why?

FLORENCE
It's very complicated.

HARVEY
It's okay. I want you to tell me. Tell me everything. Like a
lullaby. I love your voice... it's so... soothing. You're
very pretty, too, you know.

FLORENCE
I know all of that Harvey, it's a job requirement.
(a beat)
Why don't you have insurance Harvey?

HARVEY
I told you. I lost my job.

FLORENCE
(scolding)
Harvey. You've never had insurance.

HARVEY
I... I just couldn't understand why I should pay for
something I may never use.

FLORENCE
But what if you do need to use it?

HARVEY
Then I'll use my savings.

FLORENCE
Do you have savings, Harvey?

HARVEY
Not yet, but as soon as I have a salary that...

FLORENCE
... shhhhh. Relax.

FLORENCE bends him upright and he takes a
sitting position devoid of pain.

FLORENCE
How do you feel?

HARVEY
Just fine. I feel fine. No -- I feel great. Maybe better than
ever.

FLORENCE
Please understand Harvey, this is only temporary until I have
to go.

HARVEY
I wish you wouldn't.

FLORENCE
Oh, but I must, my sweet, sweet Harvey.

HARVEY
Tell me why.

FLORENCE
Are you sure you want that? It's quite complicated.

HARVEY
Yes. Please.

FLORENCE sighs and kisses his forehead. He
stands faces the audience and begins:

FLORENCE
As you know Harvey, nothing in this world is simple anymore.
There is only more right and less right, but the difference
is often too slight for the human eye or the human heart to
comprehend. Are you still with me Harvey?

HARVEY
Yes... I think.

FLORENCE
Almost every other industrialized country on this planet
offers free health care to all of its citizens; all but
yours. However, when an important medical procedure is to be
performed, where do others come?

HARVEY
Here?

FLORENCE
That's right. Because although this country's capitalism is
structured to reward brutal business practice, the benefits
that society receives -- in technology and skill -- help to
compensate for the undoing of its ethics. Do you understand?

HARVEY
I think so...
(dreamily)
... because the greater our skill and prowess the higher we
can climb. Therefore, we strive to go further?

FLORENCE crouches down and speaks sweetly.

FLORENCE
That's right Harvey. If we compensate doctors on an infinite
scale, they are more prone to rise above competition. So when
you need a major surgery, you can trust you are in the best
of hands.

HARVEY
But won't prices reach the point where only the privileged
can afford such surgeries?

FLORENCE
The privileged drive society, and the meek merely watch. One
must ask themselves, are the two of equal value?

HARVEY
That's seems cruel.

FLORENCE
Shhhh. It's okay Harvey.

He kisses the top of HARVEY's head.

FLORENCE
Just relax. That, dear Harvey, is why we have insurance. To
counteract the inflated but very necessary economics.

HARVEY
But am I so unimportant?... just because I'm not wealthy?

FLORENCE
I came to you, didn't I?

HARVEY
But you won't stay.

FLORENCE
Harvey, the budget only allows for two hundred and sixty
seven of us. Most of the uninsured won't have anyone come at
all. You should appreciate the things you do have.

HARVEY
Like my health?

FLORENCE
Oh, Harvey.
(with a warm smile)
You were the hardest one today. I'm sorry I must leave you. I
truly am. Now good day.

He lowers HARVEY back onto the ground.

HARVEY
No Florence, don't...

He touches HARVEY's head once more and exits.

Lights back to 3/4.

HARVEY lies there for a moment. He starts to
convulse a little and stiffly. He moans in pain.

TWO PEDESTRIANS walk by and hesitate in front
of HARVEY. PEDESTRIAN #1 tosses a quarter at
him.

PEDESTRIAN #1
Is that a... he's got a Pez dispenser!?!

PEDESTRIAN #2
How cute.
(a beat)
I mean sad.
(a beat)
Come on.

PEDESTRIAN #2 rushes off dragging
PEDESTRIAN #1 with them.

Blackout.
THE END

"The Call Button Of Harvey Treehorn" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Call Button Of Harvey Treehorn" debuted January 10, 2003 directed by Amy Lynn Pigott with the following cast:

HARVEY - Christopher Clarke
FLORENCE - Eric Johnson
PEDESTRIAN #1 - Tory Seiter
PEDESTRIAN #2 - Jeff Goode

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