"A Three Minute Chronicle Of Dave's First Time Taking The Bus When He Went To
His Grandma's For The Holidays"
By, Dave Ulrich
Lights up.
Two chairs are onstage side by side.
DAVE, holding a bag, edges in front of the side-by
side chairs and sits in one. He puts his bag
underneath his chair and appears to have very
little room.
He looks to the audience.
DAVE
(to the audience)
Forty hours to sit back, relax, and do some writing at last.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna relax. How bad can it be? Everyone's so
weirded out by this. Big deal -- it's just the friggin' bus.
He pulls out a notebook and a pen.
Everything henceforth happens lightning fast.
A WOMAN sits beside him and hits him a couple
of times with her elbow.
Everyone besides WOMAN #1 and DAVE speak
from the audience.
WOMAN #1
Sorry.
DAVE
It's okay.
WOMAN #1
How's my face? Does it look too bad?
DAVE
Um. No?
WOMAN #2
(to people offstage)
Ya'll get to the back. Is that everyone? Reggie, count your
brothers and sisters. They all here?
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
I thought it might be real bad.
REGGIE
One, two, three...
BUS DRIVER
Everyone needs to get settled quick or we're going to get a
late start. I can't drive this bus until everyone is settled.
REGGIE
... four, five, six...
WOMAN #3
(to BUS DRIVER)
Fuck you. You make me late to Memphis I kill you.
REGGIE
... seven, eight...
BUS DRIVER
(to WOMAN #3)
Ma'am, there are children on this bus, I ask that you refrain
from profanity.
REGGIE
... nine...
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
He ain't never hit me that hard before. That's why I took his
money.
DAVE
(to WOMAN #1)
Oh.
WOMAN #2
Reggie?
WOMAN #3
(to BUS DRIVER)
Don't nobody tell me how to talk. I talk like I want.
REGGIE
I'm not done, Mamma.
BUS DRIVER
(to WOMAN #3)
Then you might be walking.
WOMAN #3
(to BUS DRIVER)
Bitch, I get you fired. I get off right now and tell them
'bout you.
She stands and exits.
REGGIE
... ten, eleven...
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
I come home and he fucking these two girls and won't let me
get none. Says I got to wash off the men from work first. He
don't even stop, so I just got high.
MAN #1
(from offstage)
Don't touch me, man. Back off.
MAN #2
(from offstage)
You touched me. You on my side.
MAN #1
(from offstage)
Get the fuck out of that seat and move your punk ass to the
other side.
WOMAN #2
Reggie?
REGGIE
Hold on, Mamma.
MAN #2
(from offstage)
You move. I was here.
Scuffling sounds.
DAVE looks back over his shoulder.
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
Those bitches left and he so high he go to sleep without
doing me. So I wake him up and he hit me. Hard like he never
hit me.
BUS DEPOT MANAGER
(to BUS DRIVER)
Everything all right?
BUS DRIVER
It will be soon.
REGGIE
Mamma, I can't find Tracy.
WOMAN #2
(yelling)
Tracy!
BUS DRIVER
(to WOMAN #1)
Ma'am, there's no need to shout...
WOMAN #3
(to BUS DRIVER)
Don't you talk to her like that!
BUS DRIVER
(to WOMAN #3)
I'll talk however I want to people breaking the rules on my
bus. I'm driving, you do what I say, or you walk.
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
Hit me like that I leave.
WOMAN #2
Tracy!
REGGIE
Here she is Mamma. She in the bathroom.
BUS DRIVER
(to WOMAN #3)
Ma'am. You need to take your seat, or get off the bus.
WOMAN #3
(to BUS DEPOT MANAGER)
You hear how he talk to me?
BUS DEPOT MANAGER
(to WOMAN #3)
Ma'am it would help us out if you would go to your seat.
WOMAN #3
Now you both on my ass. I'm gonna sue Greyhound. I'm gonna
sue you.
BUS DRIVER
(to BUS DEPOT MANAGER)
I quit.
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
And I take his money. Thirty-five hundred. It's my money
anyway. I made it. Everything he make, we smoke. It's my
money pays for everything else.
Against his best judgement, DAVE speaks.
DAVE
(to WOMAN #1)
What do you do?
WOMAN #1
(to DAVE)
I'm an escort. I work for a service.
DAVE
(to WOMAN #1)
Oh.
BUS DEPOT MANAGER
(to BUS DRIVER)
You quit?
BUS DRIVER
(to BUS DEPOT MANAGER)
I quit.
BUS DEPOT MANAGER
(to BUS DRIVER)
You can't.
WOMAN #3
(to BUS DRIVER)
Yes he can. Bye bye. Get on out.
Lights start a slow dim that continues to the
dialogue point followed by a blackout.
POLICE OFFICER
How old are you?
LITTLE GIRL
Five.
POLICE OFFICER
What's your name?
LITTLE GIRL
Lu.
POLICE OFFICER
Lu, where's your Mommy?
LITTLE GIRL
I don't know.
POLICE OFFICER
When's the last time you saw her?
LITTLE GIRL
I don't know.
WOMAN #2
I saw her go in the bathroom in the station.
DAVE bows his head.
WOMAN #1
You ever think about getting some work in adult
entertainment. It pays real good.
Blackout.
In the blackout:
POLICE OFFICER
Come on little Lu. We need to take you off the bus.
Lights come up and DAVE is standing downstage
back to the house. His hand is to his ear as if he
has a phone.
FEMALE VOICE
(from offstage)
Thank you for calling Southwest Airlines, can I help you?
DAVE
Yes.
Blackout.
THE END
"A Three Minute Chronicle Of Dave's First Time Taking The Bus When He Went To His Grandma's For The Holidays"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"A Three Minute Chronicle Of Dave's First Time Taking The Bus When He Went To His Grandma's For The Holidays" debuted January 3, 2003 directed by J. J. Hickey with the following cast:
DAVE - Christopher Clarke
WOMAN #1 - Michelle Garb
WOMAN #2 - Heather Keller
WOMAN #3 - Toni Loppnow
BUS DRIVER - Eric Johnson
BUS DEPOT MANAGER - Scott McGee
MAN #1 - Kevin Clarke
MAN #2 - Scott McGee
REGGIE - Toni Loppnow
POLICE OFFICER - Kevin Clarke
LITTLE GIRL - Toni Loppnow
Library]
