copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich
"Playing Cards"
By, Dave Ulrich
Lights up.
Two MEN sit in chairs slightly to one side of the
stage.
GEORGE walks to center stage. He addresses
them.
GEORGE
Uh, hi. I just come down here to talk to you about some
matters of business, that is important.
He sort of bows at the knees for them.
GEORGE
Ya'll is mighty gracious for allowing me this opportunity. It
is with great humbility that I stand here before... ye.
An awkward beat. There is a sort of sigh of
exhausted frustration as the two look at him.
KENNEDY is upper class American and
CHAMBERLAIN is upper class British.
KENNEDY
George, we excuse your tiresome introduction as this is your
first visit to our hall. You may simply address us as Lord
Kennedy, Lord Chamberlain, or "your Lordships" if you wish to
demonstrate your reverence. Let us clarify the structure of
our secret meetings.
CHAMBERLAIN
Although our work here is of an enormous scale that crosses
physical borders and boundaries of thought...
KENNEDY
(interjecting)
... and debate...
CHAMBERLAIN
... unfathomable to the common man, we do not expect
formality, merely respect.
GEORGE
Sorry. I wasn't warned. That is, I didn't get no warning of
what it was like down here before I come.
KENNEDY
It's quite all right, George. We are pleased that you've
come. In fact, we were soon to send for you.
CHAMBERLAIN
Of course, your unprovoked arrival indicates that you have a
question for us, before we discuss our matters with you. You
may proceed.
GEORGE
Right. Well, it has been brought to my attention that I have
certain cards that I may play. When there are certain things
I need done that can only be done through forces greater...
I've been told that ya'll help me out.
CHAMBERLAIN
We can only guess that you've finally had audience with Dick.
It is not surprising that he sent you here unprepared.
KENNEDY
For his own amusement, I do not doubt.
GEORGE
I don't know what yer getting at, Dick's my friend. But, yes,
it was him's said I'd have to talk to you before I can go any
further than I done.
KENNEDY
In his way, he did tell you the truth.
GEORGE
So what I need -- is to play one of them Global Demarcation
Cards. I know we ain't used one in along time, but ya'll seen
the mess going on over there, and it just don't look like
it's gonna get no better. My team's been thinking maybe we
can just remove the evil-doers from the map. Readjucate the
borders.
CHAMBERLAIN
Readjucate?
GEORGE
I'm sorry... what?
KENNEDY
George. We've heard enough. Now let us take the opportunity
to explain some things. Lord Chamberlain, would you begin?
CHAMBERLAIN
Our order is comprised of wealth and privilege simply because
it predominately indicates strong education, coupled with a
wider world view and it's possibilities.
KENNEDY
Weak minds of strong education often fail to recognize the
cruel realities that someone of wealth easily can. Those of
privilege develop a certain callousness when their only want,
is to not become something beneath them.
CHAMBERLAIN
This makes good politics, and ruthless economics. However,
there is a grave risk...
KENNEDY
Long-running lineage of this sort can result in occasional
offspring born and raised with a myopic view. In fact, it can
oftentimes be spread through an entire generation of a
family...
CHAMBERLAIN
... Witness Mother England's royal line.
GEORGE
This is very inneresting, gentlemen. But I think we're
getting a bit off topic here. You see, the evil-doers have...
CHAMBERLAIN
George! You have said what you have come to say. You are not
in a position to ask us anything. I recommend that you listen
intently, to us now.
KENNEDY
You may or may not know that we are well acquainted with your
father. In fact, it is through his efforts, and the efforts
of Dick, that we have continued this slavery to oil --
foreign and domestic --despite a wealth of alternatives to
all modern energy sources.
CHAMBERLAIN
We did so in order to continue our reign and the imbalance of
powers. We granted tremendous wealth and power to your family
in exchange for the execution of our directives.
GEORGE
That was a kindness that I'm sure you've been thanked for
many times. I don't understand what this has to do...
KENNEDY
The hurdles your father presented us with have not been easy,
George. We have battled off solar power, destroyed electric
cars, caused delays in hybrids, prevented SUV regulation,
over-priced and under-produced synthetic oils -- all the
while tending to other matters...
CHAMBERLAIN
For heaven's sake George! We've produced wars, recessions, an
impeachment, cover-ups in the highest levels of office --
KENNEDY
Oliver Norths don't grow on trees George. They can't be bred.
GEORGE
I still don't...
KENNEDY
You father used all of his cards -- and a hundred more. You
have nothing left to play.
CHAMBERLAIN
In fact, it is we, who are to play you.
GEORGE
How do you perport to do that?
CHAMBERLAIN
(sighs)
We haven't any need to negotiate, it is owed to us.
KENNEDY
And your father knows this. He promised that all of his
children would be groomed to rule beneath us. You, your
children, your brother, your brother's children and so on.
CHAMBERLAIN
We had no idea, however, that we had been cheated.
GEORGE
Cheated? My Daddy would never cheat...
KENNEDY
His preoccupations and responsibilities left him too busy to
raise legitimate rulers... or even responsible citizens.
CHAMBERLAIN
We've been left with nothing but buffoons and cheap tarts who
cannot stay out of jail. Now it is we who are to be burdened
with transforming this sad assemblage into the pawns of power
that we were promised.
KENNEDY
George, we must now take control of what is rightfully ours.
You have proven yourself an adequate monkey, but now you must
be trained to be our monkey.
CHAMBERLAIN
It you would please take a chair, we shall call for the
surgeon.
(calling off)
Dr Mengela!
GEORGE
But I... You... I can't believe...
CHAMBERLAIN
What is it you're saying George?
(calling off)
Would you send in Dr. Mengela! Now, dammit!
GEORGE
I...
George runs off stage panicked.
GEORGE
Daddy!
After a beat, Dick steps out from offstage.
The three of them burst into laughter.
DICK
(still laughing)
Oh my, boys. That was good, good stuff. Holy cow.
KENNEDY
(without an accent)
Did you see the look on his face, Dick?
CHAMBERLAIN
(without an accent)
Jesus Dick. Seems too easy, you know?
DICK
Yeah, kind of sad, isn't it?
(a contemplative beat)
But fun though, right?
CHAMBERLAIN
Well yeah!
KENNEDY
Damn straight!
They laugh some more.
Blackout.
THE END
"Playing Cards"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Playing Cards" debuted December 13, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
GEORGE - Dave Ulrich
KENNEDY - Chris Clarke
CHAMBERLAIN - Eric Johnson
DICK - Scott McGee
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