Playing Cards copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich

            "Playing Cards"
            By, Dave Ulrich

                                        Lights up.

                                        Two MEN sit in chairs slightly to one side of the
                                        stage.

                                        GEORGE walks to center stage. He addresses
                                        them.

                                   GEORGE
            Uh, hi. I just come down here to talk to you about some
            matters of business, that is important.

                                        He sort of bows at the knees for them.

                                   GEORGE
            Ya'll is mighty gracious for allowing me this opportunity. It
            is with great humbility that I stand here before... ye.

                                        An awkward beat. There is a sort of sigh of
                                        exhausted frustration as the two look at him.
                                        KENNEDY is upper class American and
                                        CHAMBERLAIN is upper class British.

                                   KENNEDY
            George, we excuse your tiresome introduction as this is your
            first visit to our hall. You may simply address us as Lord
            Kennedy, Lord Chamberlain, or "your Lordships" if you wish to
            demonstrate your reverence. Let us clarify the structure of
            our secret meetings.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            Although our work here is of an enormous scale that crosses
            physical borders and boundaries of thought...

                                   KENNEDY
                          (interjecting)
            ... and debate...

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            ... unfathomable to the common man, we do not expect
            formality, merely respect.

                                   GEORGE
            Sorry. I wasn't warned. That is, I didn't get no warning of
            what it was like down here before I come.

                                   KENNEDY
            It's quite all right, George. We are pleased that you've
            come. In fact, we were soon to send for you.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            Of course, your unprovoked arrival indicates that you have a
            question for us, before we discuss our matters with you. You
            may proceed.

                                   GEORGE
            Right. Well, it has been brought to my attention that I have
            certain cards that I may play. When there are certain things
            I need done that can only be done through forces greater...
            I've been told that ya'll help me out.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            We can only guess that you've finally had audience with Dick.
            It is not surprising that he sent you here unprepared.

                                   KENNEDY
            For his own amusement, I do not doubt.

                                   GEORGE
            I don't know what yer getting at, Dick's my friend. But, yes,
            it was him's said I'd have to talk to you before I can go any
            further than I done.

                                   KENNEDY
            In his way, he did tell you the truth.

                                   GEORGE
            So what I need -- is to play one of them Global Demarcation
            Cards. I know we ain't used one in along time, but ya'll seen
            the mess going on over there, and it just don't look like
            it's gonna get no better. My team's been thinking maybe we
            can just remove the evil-doers from the map. Readjucate the
            borders.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            Readjucate?

                                   GEORGE
            I'm sorry... what?

                                   KENNEDY
            George. We've heard enough. Now let us take the opportunity
            to explain some things. Lord Chamberlain, would you begin?

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            Our order is comprised of wealth and privilege simply because
            it predominately indicates strong education, coupled with a
            wider world view and it's possibilities.

                                   KENNEDY
            Weak minds of strong education often fail to recognize the
            cruel realities that someone of wealth easily can. Those of
            privilege develop a certain callousness when their only want,
            is to not become something beneath them.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            This makes good politics, and ruthless economics. However,
            there is a grave risk...

                                   KENNEDY
            Long-running lineage of this sort can result in occasional
            offspring born and raised with a myopic view. In fact, it can
            oftentimes be spread through an entire generation of a
            family...

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            ... Witness Mother England's royal line.

                                   GEORGE
            This is very inneresting, gentlemen. But I think we're
            getting a bit off topic here. You see, the evil-doers have...

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            George! You have said what you have come to say. You are not
            in a position to ask us anything. I recommend that you listen
            intently, to us now.

                                   KENNEDY
            You may or may not know that we are well acquainted with your
            father. In fact, it is through his efforts, and the efforts
            of Dick, that we have continued this slavery to oil --
            foreign and domestic --despite a wealth of alternatives to
            all modern energy sources.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            We did so in order to continue our reign and the imbalance of
            powers. We granted tremendous wealth and power to your family
            in exchange for the execution of our directives.

                                   GEORGE
            That was a kindness that I'm sure you've been thanked for
            many times. I don't understand what this has to do...

                                   KENNEDY
            The hurdles your father presented us with have not been easy,
            George. We have battled off solar power, destroyed electric
            cars, caused delays in hybrids, prevented SUV regulation,
            over-priced and under-produced synthetic oils -- all the
            while tending to other matters...

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            For heaven's sake George! We've produced wars, recessions, an
            impeachment, cover-ups in the highest levels of office --

                                   KENNEDY
            Oliver Norths don't grow on trees George. They can't be bred.

                                   GEORGE
            I still don't...

                                   KENNEDY
            You father used all of his cards -- and a hundred more. You
            have nothing left to play.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            In fact, it is we, who are to play you.

                                   GEORGE
            How do you perport to do that?

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
                          (sighs)
            We haven't any need to negotiate, it is owed to us.

                                   KENNEDY
            And your father knows this. He promised that all of his
            children would be groomed to rule beneath us. You, your
            children, your brother, your brother's children and so on.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            We had no idea, however, that we had been cheated.

                                   GEORGE
            Cheated? My Daddy would never cheat...

                                   KENNEDY
            His preoccupations and responsibilities left him too busy to
            raise legitimate rulers... or even responsible citizens.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            We've been left with nothing but buffoons and cheap tarts who
            cannot stay out of jail. Now it is we who are to be burdened
            with transforming this sad assemblage into the pawns of power
            that we were promised.

                                   KENNEDY
            George, we must now take control of what is rightfully ours.
            You have proven yourself an adequate monkey, but now you must
            be trained to be our monkey.

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            It you would please take a chair, we shall call for the
            surgeon.
                          (calling off)
            Dr Mengela!

                                   GEORGE
            But I... You... I can't believe...

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            What is it you're saying George?
                          (calling off)
            Would you send in Dr. Mengela! Now, dammit!

                                   GEORGE
            I...

                                        George runs off stage panicked.

                                   GEORGE
            Daddy!

                                        After a beat, Dick steps out from offstage.

                                        The three of them burst into laughter.

                                   DICK
                          (still laughing)
            Oh my, boys. That was good, good stuff. Holy cow.

                                   KENNEDY
                          (without an accent)
            Did you see the look on his face, Dick?

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
                          (without an accent)
            Jesus Dick. Seems too easy, you know?

                                   DICK
            Yeah, kind of sad, isn't it?
                          (a contemplative beat)
            But fun though, right?

                                   CHAMBERLAIN
            Well yeah!

                                   KENNEDY
            Damn straight!

                                        They laugh some more.

                                        Blackout.
            THE END
"Playing Cards" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Playing Cards" debuted December 13, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
GEORGE - Dave Ulrich
KENNEDY - Chris Clarke
CHAMBERLAIN - Eric Johnson
DICK - Scott McGee

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