"Up and Down"
By, Dave Ulrich
Copyright © 2002 Dave Ulrich
SCENE 1
A man is sitting at one side of a table with a
notepad in front of him. A woman joins him with a
notepad.
SUSAN
Bill.
BILL
Susan.
SUSAN
Ah crap.
BILL
What?
SUSAN
I forgot my water bottle.
BILL
Well, do you think this will take long?
SUSAN
Oh no. Gabe never lets these things...
Another man enters and sits at the table.
JIM
Bill, Susan. Good, I beat Gabe. How are you fuckers? Susan,
damn, you look good today.
BILL
Susan forgot her water.
JIM
Well, this shouldn't take long. You know how Gabe doesn't
like to draw these...
Two men enter. Gabe, sits at the head of the table
and Tony remains standing behind him.
ALL
Gabe!
GABE
Jim. Susan. Bill. Well, it's time again. Let's not draw this
out. You know I don't like to...
BILL
Of course not.
SUSAN
I believe we're all prepared.
JIM
You bet, Gabe.
GABE
All right, then. Let's cut to the chase. Susan, why don't you
start.
SUSAN
Of course. For my department to function we need an absolute
bare minimum of five.
GABE
What do you have now?
SUSAN
Seven.
GABE
You can keep three.
SUSAN
Three, Gabe?
GABE
When we hit crisis, we'll bring in a supervisor to straighten
out the mess as cheap as we can manage. So let's hear it.
SUSAN
I really do need four, Gabe.
GABE
Okay. Then show me how you can make it work.
Susan consults her list/notes.
SUSAN
Jessica has a lot of responsibility but only makes forty
after two and a half years. We can bump her title and she'll
be so relieved over surviving another round... we can keep
her cheap for another six months -- minimum.
GABE
Next.
SUSAN
Frank's an overachiever. It annoys me. He's out. Cheryl is
clueless and unattractive to look at. Joe's too short.
She draws three lines on her paper.
SUSAN
That leaves me Jason and Jessica, and then Robert and Karla.
Tony notes this.
GABE
Who are the other two?
TONY
Robert's an intern, Karla's new.
SUSAN
(ignoring Tony)
Robert the intern: if we bring him on in someone's place, we
can keep him in the mid-twenties.
GABE
And the chick?
SUSAN
Karla's under thirty thousand. She doesn't know much yet, but
Jessica will abuse her into understanding quick. If we bump
her to thirty she'll take the abuse.
TONY
She's a single mother.
GABE
Then she'd lick shoes for thirty. So what's our anticipated
total on these four?
SUSAN
One twenty and some change.
GABE
Good. And where are you at?
SUSAN
What do you mean, Gabe?
GABE
What am I paying you, Susan?
Susan looks at the others uncomfortably.
SUSAN
Do I... really... have to say?
Pause.
TONY
Two fourteen. Options and the car.
Susan flashes Tony a look.
GABE
I need to bring you down to an even two, Susan.
SUSAN
All right, then fuck Karla and put me at two twenty.
GABE
Fuck Karla and you can stay where you're at.
SUSAN
Deal.
Susan draws another line. Tony adds to his notes
GABE
Good. Who's next?
JIM
I'll go. I'm easy.
GABE
All right. How many do you need?
JIM
Eight.
GABE
How many do you have?
JIM
Eight.
GABE
You can have five.
JIM
Freddie, Steve, Stacy, Maggie, and Kate. They are two
interns, one entry-level, one prodigy, and one bitch from
hell. No one over forty. I'm clear under one fifty.
GABE
Damn Jim. I like it. Where are you at?
JIM
Three hundred.
GABE
You can stay there.
JIM
Thanks, Gabe.
Tony notes it.
GABE
Bill? What have you got?
BILL
Well, I didn't really prepare for... this.
GABE
You didn't prepare. What do you mean?
BILL
I just didn't think we would...
GABE
We would what?
BILL
Be so frank. So candid. I mean this is the third round. By
now I just didn't think we could lose...
GABE
What are you saying?
BILL
It's just... Everyone's already doing at least three people's
work.... These are people, you know. People's lives.
They all laugh, but Bill.
JIM
(chuckling)
Damn, Bill.
BILL
I'm serious. I'm already understaffed as it is. To lose even
one would send my department out of control.
GABE
Are you saying you can't handle the management of the
department unless it's running fat?
BILL
No, Gabe. I'm saying I'm already so lean...
GABE
Are you fucking kidding me Bill?
BILL
Well, no... Gabe --
GABE
Now you're gonna 'Gabe' me?
A beat.
BILL
I don't understand what that means.
Tony chuckles.
GABE
Bill, stop dicking around and tell me who you're losing.
BILL
Can I have more time to ponder it? See, I thought...
GABE
How many do you have Bill?
TONY
He has eight.
GABE
You can have four.
BILL
Four?!?
GABE
I'm sorry, did I say four? Make it three.
BILL
Gabe...
GABE
All right, two.
BILL
But...
SUSAN
I think you need to shut up.
BILL
Susan!
SUSAN
Bill!
BILL
You can't think that this is...
JIM
They're just people!
A long pause.
GABE
Bill. You're fired.
BILL
But...
GABE
Save the shit, Bill. You'll get severance. You're done at the
end of the day. See Janice for your... meeting thing.
TONY
Exit interview.
BILL
You can't...
GABE
Stop. Just listen to yourself, Bill. Go while you've still
got a thread of decency.
Bill gathers his papers, glaring at each of them,
and starts to walk out shell-shocked. He stops.
BILL
Decency? Do you any idea what it's like to be walking the
fine line these people under us...
JIM
(increduously)
Shut the fuck up.
(after a beat)
No, Bill, we don't. Know what it's like. Finding out might
drag us right down into their smelly world of shitty cars,
rental homes, and basic fucking cable.
It's the nature of the chain. Exposing myself to their small
lives and big problems takes my time, my energy and my focus
- away from this life that I love -- which is far away from
theirs. If anyone, ever tried to take this life away from me,
I would put a bullet through your fucking head. That is what
it means to me. How much it means to me. To us.
BILL
You all feel that way?
Pause.
SUSAN
I'm not going to struggle through my life just so others
don't have to struggle more. What if everyone did that?
A beat.
BILL
Yeah. What if.
(to Tony)
Tony? How could you? You're an assistant.
TONY
To a god.
GABE
Bill. Decide. Say it to me: 'they're just people.'
A long pause.
BILL
They're just...
GABE
Too late. I fucking fired you.
Bill glares at him for a beat and walks out.
GABE
Christ. Let's order some goddamn lunch.
Lights out.
THE END
"Up & Down"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Up & Down" debuted November 1, 2002, directed by J.J. Hickey, with the following cast:
Susan - Michelle Garb
Bill - Mike ?
Jim - Chris Clarke
Gabe - Eric Johnson
Tony - Michael Rothschild
Library]
