THE DREAMS OF SADDAM HUSSEIN

By Peter Ullian

03-04-03

(Saddam Hussein Addresses the audience.)

SADDAM:

I am Saddam Hussein, the greatest Arab leader since Saladin. Last nite, I dreamed I am a baboon.

Says I to the other baboons: "I am Saddam Hussein, greatest Arab leader since Saladin! I am no baboon, swinging in trees, eating bananas!"

In response to my outburst, the other baboons throw their shit at me.

Then I awake to find myself little fishie. Says I to other fishies: "I am Saddam Hussein, I make Nasser look like Mother Teresa, I am no fishie, swimming in the sea!"

Other fishies try to throw their shit at me, but the water impedes shit velocity. I remain shitless.

I awake this time to my real life. I am very depressed. I call up Usama Bin Laden.

"UBL," say I (his friends call him UBL), "I am so depressed. I dreamed I was a baboon swinging from a tree, then I dreamed I was a little fishie. Serious self-confidence problems, having am I."

UBL says to me: "Shut your filthy cheeseburger-hole, you infidel! Secular socialist blasphemer!"

Says I: "UBL, why so hostile?"

UBL says: "I am your sworn enemy, mother fucking infidel!"

I think hard. I say: "GWB says not so, my brother."

UBL throws his shit at me.

Says I: "How did you throw your shit through the phone! And you’re not even on a land line!"

UBL hangs up on me. I think, this shit-throwing through cell phones, this could be very powerful. Talk about Weapon of Mass Destruction! Talk about Biological Warfare! This could be the difference in Mother of All Wars, Part Two. I could trade this to Al Quaeda. For baseball cards. UBL has so many more baseball cards than Saddam Hussein. My one great failure as a leader of men, that which keeps me from exceeding the level of Saladin, if not from reaching his plateau.

I wake up, and I go out to the courtyard of my palace, and I talk to one of the human shields.

"Human Shield," says I, "I am so depressed."

Human Shield says, "Man, get away from me, I’m here to protect Iraqi civilians, not you, dude. You’re, like, totally bogus."

Laughing at this, of course, am I. "You, Human Shield Dude, that is such a lie," says I. "Were that true, you would stand in front of my prisons and torture chambers and be a human shield to prevent the Republican Guard from bringing in prisoners. You would stand in Kurdish villages and prevent me from spraying chemical gas at women and little babies! You would row a boat among the Marsh Arabs and stop me from draining their marshes! I know you are really here because you love me, Saddam Hussein, greatest world leader since Joseph Stalin. You are such a funny man, Human Shield Dude."

Human Shield Dude throws his shit at me. Says I, "Cut that out you smelly American with stud in chin! What kind of a fashion statement is that, anyway?"

Then I wake up again. Even more depressed now, am I. I go to my Number 57 Doppelganger. "Number 57 Doppelganger," says I, "I am so depressed."

Number 57 Doppelganger throws his shit at me.

"Why did you do that?" says I. "I will have you killed!"

"You are not Saddam Hussein," says Number 57 Doppelganger! "You are Number 57 Doppelganger! I am Saddam Hussein! You have illusions of grandeur!"

I think this over carefully. Am I not Saddam Hussein, but Number 57 Doppelganger? Can this be? No, thinks I. I am Saddam Hussein, but I am dreaming that I am Number 57 Doppelganger!

I wake up again, and now I am a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Says I, this is more like it, Saddam Hussein is major mo-fo WMD.

But then I wake up from this again, and realize that I am a little fishie. I am a little fishie, swimming in the deep blue sea. I am a little fishie, swimming in the deep blue sea, dreaming that he is Saddam Hussein.

And somewhere, in a bunker deep beneath Baghdad, Saddam Hussein is sleeping a restless sleep, and dreaming that he is a little fishie, swimming in the deep blue sea.