By Laura Tuggle Anderson
March 5, 2004
Xavier Svengali type. Passive-aggressive. Jealous of Loiss talent.
Lois Human cannonball with low self-esteem.
Xavier: Put your knickers on. Were going to be late.
Lois: Dont you think I know that?
X: I dont know what you know.
L: I know WERE GOING TO BE LATE.
X: What does it matter, anyway?
L: Youre the one going on about it.
X: Just an observation.
X: How critical do you think it is that you wear that new cape?
L: Why? Whats wrong with the cape? I like the cape.
X: It just concerns me.
L: Concerns you? Why? Does it make me look fat?
X: No fatuous, yes.
L: So, thats a bad thing, right?
(Xavier sighs, rolls eyes)
X: I just dont want you to look foolish.
L: Oh, really?
X: Yes, really. Are you ready yet?
L: What about the cape?
X: Do whatever you want.
X: I dont care.
L: Okay. Fine. Im wearing the cape.
X: But it might tangle up on you when youre landing.
L: Tangle? How?
X: When youre coming in to land, it might get turned around and cover your
face. And in a split second youd lose sight of the net entirely and become,
well, intimate with the molecules of the floor.
L: You do think Im fat, dont you?
X: Stop dilly dallying! The cape isnt important!
L: Isnt important? Isnt important! Well, what is?
X: The only important thing is the "boom." That sound, dammit!
L: Fine. Fine. No cape. Its all about the "boom." What about my crown? Or
these damned knickers you made me? They arent important? IM not important?
X: (softening) Of course you are, darling, of course you are. You are the most
exquisite human cannonball I have ever groomed for the trade. Your flight
position is flawless straight as Cupids arrow your somersault on
landing is smooth as silk, and you pop up with your arms in the air looking
radiant, powerful, shaming the suns rays with your beaming face. But the
audience, love, the audience craves that inhuman BANG as you are
birthed from the maw of that gun, with glitter and smoke bleeding from
the cannon, baptizing you to the air. In that moment you become what we
only wish we could be free. Suddenly and violently free!
L: "Exquisite," really?
X: Yes, darling.
L: And, you dont think Im fat?
X: Well, Ive been meaning to discuss the "boom" with you. Lately, the
"boom" has come across as less "boom" and more "phffffffffft."
L: Well, how I mean wha Im not releasing gas or anything, I promise
X: I just wonder if No.
X: If we may need a wider-barrel cannon.
Or perhaps fewer Clark bars?
L: (holding back tears) You want a boom? Ill give you a boom. Ill give you
the biggest boom youve ever heard. And I am wearing the freaking cape.
(Starts to leave returns) Could you please help me get into the cannon?
The cape sort of hangs out the end, and I cant stuff it all down.
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