copyright © 2003 by Jesse Blaine / Emma Tremmel

Cool Jesse Presents the Teddy Bears’ Picnic: a Song


Emma Tremmel

{and Cool Jesse}


(Lights up.)

Emma: (Enters from audience with guitar. Moves chair to center stage.) This is my first time performing anything like this in front of an audience. (Pushes extra chairs and table out of the way.) So, please be patient. (Sits center stage, awkward and slow. Tunes briefly.) Okay. (Singing.) I should have known; I should have, but I’ll bleed this out this time.

(On "bleed," Eric enters stage left, crawling and holding stomach.)

Emma: What the fuck? Can’t you see I’m trying to do a song here?

Eric: (Stopping half-way between the stage’s edge and Emma, holding stomach and writhing in pain.) Please help, I’m bleeding. (Crawls a little closer to Emma.)

Emma: (Mocking.) Oooooh, you’re bleeding. You know what, I don’t care. I’m trying to sing here and you’re bloody well messing it up. Get the fuck off my stage, asshole.

Eric: But — but —

Emma: (Interrupting and mocking.) But — but — whatever.

(Eric holds stomach, occasionally writhing a little in pain.)

Emma: (Singing.) It’s those knots inside, my stomach’s tied, I’m living.

Jesse: (On "tied," enters stage right, running, holding a shoe.) Emma! Emma! I can’t get this shoe to tie again. Can you help?

Emma: (Exasperated.) I can’t help you right now.

Jesse: Why not?

Emma: I’m busy at the moment. I’ll take care of it at home.

Jesse: (Pleading and whining.) But, Emma. My shoe. Please?

Emma: Jesse, now is neither the time nor place for this. (Singing.) Yes, I’m

living . . .

Jesse: (Interrupt on "I’m.") Emma!

Emma: (More exasperated.) Remember the bunny ears. (Singing.) Yes, I’m

living . . .

(Jesse interrupts on "I’m," whining.)

Emma: (Exasperated sigh. Singing.) Yes, I’m living once again, following that fire within. It’ll take me back to you.

Jonathon: (On "fire," enters stage left, holding toaster to his face.) Excuse me, have you seen the Crisco? My face seems to be stuck in this toaster.

Emma: (Shocked.) What the fuck are you doing here? I told you to stop following me! Remember that restraining order?

Jonathon: (Lying poorly.) But, what are you talking about? It’s not me. Honest. I’m just a guy whose face got stuck in a toaster.

Emma: Don’t be fucking stupid! I know it’s you. Get your stalker-ass away from me before I call the police, you fucking perv!

Jonathon: (Removes toaster.) I’m sorry. (Hangs head and walks to back corner of stage left.) I’ll just be over here watching.

Emma: Oh no, you won’t!

Jonathon: Okay then, I’ll just watch from over here.

Emma: (To audience.) Sorry about that, I don’t know what’s going on.

Eric: (Moans and rolls over.) Please, miss, I need an ambulance.

Emma: (At her wit’s end.) You shut the fuck up! (Clears throat. Singing.) I’ve been afraid so long, but I miss your mental circus. You make me watch the clowns.

(On "circus," Clowns enter stage left, running and being silly. They stop center stage, blocking Emma.)

Clarabelle: Hey, Boppo . . .

Boppo: Yes, Clarabelle?

Clarabelle: What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch?

Boppo: I don’t know, Clarabelle. What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch?

Clarabelle: It’s time to get a new watch!

(Emma screams. Clowns jump and run, exiting stage right.)

Jonathon: Uh, excuse me, but . . .

Emma: (Turns toward him, interrupting.) Shhzwipitish!

Jesse: Emma! My shoe still won’t work. (Raises arm, showing shoe tied to hand.) I think it’s broke.

Emma: Use the goddamn bunny ears! (Singing, angry.) And I feel just like a young lover again. We wilt with what we were.

(On "lover," Couple enters stage right, holding hands.)

David: (Looking around, but noticing nothing.) Here?

Angie: (Giggling.) Here! (Lies down, pulling David on top of herself. They are obviously going to have sex.)

Emma: Now what the fuck is this shit?!

Angie: (Snotty.) Excuse me? Do you mind? Private moment here.

Emma: What? How dare you? You are interrupting my song, you stupid whore!

Jesse: (Still fiddling with the shoe.) Ahh! Shoe! Stupid shoe!

Eric: (Moaning and rolling over.) Somebody! A doctor!? Help me! For the love of God, I need to see a doctor!

Angie: (Looking up from under David, shocked and confused.) Who are all you people?

(Emma looks around in disbelief.)

Jonathon: Uh, excuse me, but uh . . .


(On "me," Emma shoots Jonathon an icy stare. Jonathon shuts up, hangs head, and begins sniffling.)

(Clowns enter stage right. Clarabelle taunts the audience with his butt. Boppo tries to juggle poorly. Jesse continues whining about his shoe. Eric moans and writhes. Jonathon continues sniffling. David and Angie have sex. Emma just stares dumbfounded. The Owl and Gnome slowly descend.)

Emma: (Getting angrier and yelling over the noise.) Do any of you mind? I was trying to do my fucking song! (Pause 3 beats. As loud as possible.) Ugh! (Standing up quickly, knocks over chair and storms out.)

(Wait 4 beats. Lights down.)


We both played our part in the creation of this. [Emma] appears as the only author on the script because for the joke to work, the audience needs to believe she is really going to perform a song.

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