Blatta Orientalis

 

Chad- a twenty something Ivy League Yuppie Stock-broker who thinks he is turning into a cock-roach.

 

Muffums- Chad’s society girlfriend

 

Madame Solange- An astrologist/psychotherapist, hired by Muffums to help cure Chad

 

Stage is set with a table and two chairs.  There is a Diary and pen on the table, along with a few sugar packets.

 

Opening, Chad is writing in his diary

 

Chad: (spoken as he writes) Dear diary, this morning when I awoke, I studied my back in the mirror, to see if my Carapace had begun to form.  Alas, the shell must still be too deep in the derma to be seen.  I can feel it in the muscle tissue, throbbing and growing larger each day.  I have begun building the giant Cheerios box in which I will spend my nymphal stage of development.  It fits nicely in the walk-in closet, now that I have shredded my clothing as nesting material.  This is an exciting period in the transformation process.  I am confident that Blatta Orientalis was the correct diagnosis, for it is by far the most beautiful and survivalistic of the dictyoptera Blattodea.  Oh, my cerci (kerki) grows distended with the thought of what I am becoming. 

 

Diary, I finally confided the incredible news to my best friend Hunter today, and although he did not react as well as might have been hoped for, I still am confident that he will be supportive of the changes I am experiencing.  Muffums is coming over shortly, and I plan to finally include her in my little secret.  I pray that she will see the true beauty of what is happening.

 

Chad puts down his pen and opens a sugar packet.  He then pours a small mound of the sugar onto the table.  Leaning over the sugar, he rapidly shoots the tip of his tongue into the sugar, stabbing it as if his tongue was a sort of proboscis.  He makes strange pleasure noises as he does this.

 

There is an offstage knock on the door. 

 

Chad:  Just a second.  Coming.  Hold on.

 

Chad quickly closes the diary, and sweeps the remaining sugar onto the floor.  He stand up and walks to the door with as strange a walk as he can pull off.  It is the “I am turning into a cockroach” walk.  He returns with Muffums. 

 

Chad:  Muffums, my sweetest.  I can’t tell you how overjoyed I am to see you!

 

Muffums:  Chad, Hunter called me earlier.  He was very, very upset.

 

Chad:  Muffums!  Come sit, darling.  You look so… frantic!

 

Muffums:  Oh, Chad! 

 

She begins to weep.

 

Muffums:  Oh, Chad!!  Hunter said… (sobs)  he said… (sobs more) he said… (breaks down)

 

Chad:  Hun Bun, calm down!  (comforts her)  It’s all going to be alright.  There, there.

 

Muffums:  But Chad, Hunter said you told him you were turning into a…  a… a…

 

Chad:  Yes?

 

Muffums:  A COCKROACH! (sobs more)

 

Chad:  An Oriental Coackroach, Muffums, Blatta Orientalis.  One of the most beautiful creatures on earth.  Yes, it is true.

 

Muffums:  What the fuck, Chad??

 

Chad:  Now, now!  Enough of the Sailor talk, pooty-pants.  This is the greatest thing to ever happen to the two of us.  Really.

 

Muffums:  It is?  Why?  Why is you turning into a cockroach the greatest thing to ever happen to the two of us?

 

Chad pulls Muffums onto his lap.

 

Chad:  Because, honey-britches, Blatta Orientalis is the perfect form for me to be, and it allows me to be the perfect mate for you.  Think about it; when I escape the bonds of this human flesh and finish my transformation, I will have three times the hands to touch you with!  I can touch you in all your Happy Places at once.  Huh?  When we go back to that little beach in Jamaica, my glands will be able to secrete an oil with extremely high levels of a natural UV protectant.  No more sunburns, schnookums.

 

Muffums:  What about your job on Wall street?

 

Chad: It will take some getting used to, but I’m sure the floor will come around in time.

 

Muffums:  Will you still be able to trade?

 

Chad:  Will I?  Will I?  Oh, Muffums, I will be the best darn trader out there.  With Six hands I can trade six times as fast!  We will be rolling in dough and excrement.  I will be much stronger than any of the other fellows, too.  If they try to hassle me, I can kill them and eat them.

 

Muffums:  Kill them??

 

Chad:  Well not unless they made me do it, panda-poo.  Hmmm… gosh your neck smells nice and sweaty. 

 

Chad does the tongue stabbing thing again on her neck.  Muffums doesn’t know whether to be repulsed or excited.

 

Muffums:  Oh, Chad… that feels… really fucked up.

 

Chad:  Watch out Sailor mouth!

 

Goes back to neck stabbing.  Muffums begins to squeal.  Suddenly there is another knock on the door.

 

Chad:  Who could that be??

 

Muffums:  Chad, I asked Madame Solange, my astro-projectional psychotherapist to come and help you.

 

Chad:  Muffums!

 

Muffums:  I had to, Chad.  Please hear what she has to say.

 

Chad:  Well, all right, sugar-slot.  Anything for you.

 

Muffums runs off-stage and returns with Madame Solange.  Madame is SUPER-NEW AGE, and says everything softly.

 

Madame Solange:  Hello, Chad.  I have heard so much about you.

 

Chad:  Morgwill

 

Madame:  Pardon?

 

Chad:  Morgwill.  Morgwill Fateeb.  That is my new Blatta Orientalis name.  Please refer to me by that.

 

Madame:  But Chad..

 

Chad:  Morgwill.

 

Madame:  Morgwill.  I did not know that cockroaches had a spoken language.

 

Chad:  Of course we do, it is just that you cannot hear it.  We pressurize air in our lung-sacs, and control the sound by the opening and closing of our Spiracles in a rapid manner.  I am speaking our language to you right now.

 

Chad makes some small, strange noises in his throat.

 

Madame:  What are you saying to me?

 

Chad:  Wouldn’t you like to know.

 

Muffums:  Chad!  You said you would listen to her!

 

Chad:  Oh, all right.  What do you have to say?

 

Madame composes herself.

 

Madame:  Now, Chad…

 

Sharp look from Chad.

 

Madame:  MORGWILL!  Sorry.  Muffums gave me your Birth-chart, and I believe what is happening here is simply a resonance of the twin nature of the retreating suns of your birth-year.  Simply put; the duality of your inner and outer being is not in coinciding parallellity in regards to the aquarian mesh of etherealital harmoniance.

 

Muffums:  Yeah.

 

Chad:  Really?  I think that that is utter and complete bullshit.

 

Madame:  No, Morgwill!  The fact that your birth-star infringed upon the cusp of Leo’s mane, and foreshadowed the purge of Halos from the seven heavenly rings of Sargoth, means you MUST have been brought forth as the id AND the Yang. Don’t you see?  I bet your Caul was tinged with Magenta.  Was it?  I am sure it was.  Yes.

 

Chad:  You look salty.

 

Madame:  What?  Don’t try and deviate from our current path of consciousness.  You must accept your duality.  Nebulas surround you with healing auras!  Healing auras!!

 

Madame does a healing aura hand thing around his head.

 

Madame: Feel the healing!  Tap your inner ring!   Flow with the healing energy of the nine crystals!  Enter the realm of the curtain of Light!  Let the elf-princess go to her Lord in the White Castle!  Run naked with the mind dwarves!  Swing the hammer of Keldor!  Escape!  Escape! Escape!

 

Madame is REALLY getting into this.

 

Chad:  You look REALLY salty. 

 

Chad grabs Madame’s hand and begins to suck on the wrist.  Madame faints.

 

Muffums:  OH MY GOD, CHAD!!  Did you kill her?

 

Chad:  Of course not, Pookums, I just poked a hole I her wrist with my proboscis.  The germs and bacteria secreted by my salivary glands will do the rest.  I am sorry that she has to die, but it is much easier for me to consume organic material that is an advanced stage of biological decomposition, sweet-cakes.

 

Muffums:  Oh Chad.  I mean Morgwill.  It is going to be SO hard to get used to all this.

 

Chad:  But you will, pooty-pants.  You will.  We have the rest of our lives to infest together.

 

Chad comes up behind Muffums and begins to stab her neck again with his tongue.  This time she is in ecstasy as he makes weird pleasure sounds.

 

Muffums:  Oh Morgwill!  Yes!  Yes!  Oh Yes!

 

 

Lights down

 

Finis