50,000 HUBCAPS

CHARACTERS:

OFFICER KIRBY - A Policewoman

STAN - The Proprietor

CHICO - Stan's Assistant

PLACE: STAN'S HUBCAP SHOP AT A RURAL HIGHWAY EXIT

(LIGHTS UP. A small shop with used hubcaps hanging on every inch of the walls. STAN is behind the counter when OFFICER KIRBY comes in.)

                         STAN

Good morning, Officer Kirby.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Stan, I'm afraid this isn't a friendly call.

                         STAN
Okay. Bad morning, Officer Kirby.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

We got a report this morning that someone had eight hubcaps stolen off his car.

                         STAN

Well, Officer, you tell me. What kind of car has eight hubcaps?

                         OFFICER KIRBY
Happened to the victim twice. First time he didn't report it. And he said his first suspicion was your place.

                         STAN
Really? What are you all implying, that I'm a modern day pirate or something?

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Nobody's implying anything. We just want to know if you have the caps.

                         STAN

What kind of car?

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Lincoln Conti.

                         STAN
I haven't had anything new come in over the past couple of days.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Are you sure?

                         STAN

I'm very sure. But I can check with the boy.

                         OFFICER KIRBY
You hired a boy?

                         STAN
Yes. Do I have to check with you every morning about how I scramble my eggs?

                         OFFICER KIRBY
You just never mentioned it.

                         STAN (calls out)

Chico!

                         OFFICER KIRBY
Boy's name is Chico?

                         STAN
No. It's Robert, but I call him Chico. After that show Chico and the Man. It's what you call one of those inside jokes.

                         OFFICER KIRBY
I see.

(CHICO enters.)

                         OFFICER KIRBY (con't)

You're the boy?

                         CHICO
Uh-yeah.

                         OFFICER KIRBY
But you're older than your boss. Why does he call you the boy?

                         CHICO
Cause I make a lot less than him.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Do I call you Robert or Chico?

                         CHICO

Chico if you're in on the joke. He calls me Chico because I'm supposed to be Jack Albertson. Personally, I think we're both Jack Albertson. Double personally, I wish he'd call me Sanford, after Sanford and Son.

                         STAN

I told you, I can't call you Sanford because I would be Sanford. And there's no way I am calling you Son.

                         CHICO

At least I seen Sanford and Son.

                         OFFICER KIRBY
Chico, I'm here investigating some missing hubcaps. Specifically, I am looking for eight hubcaps belong to a Lincoln Continental.

                         CHICO
Yeah, I got them in the back.

                         STAN
Chico! What's the matter with you?

                         CHICO
What did I do?

                         STAN

A woman of the law comes in looking for eight hubcaps to a Lincoln Continental and you don't even want to know why?

                         CHICO
No. She looks like a nice enough lady.

                         STAN
She is. She's the nicest lady in the county, but now you went and made yourself a suspect.

                         CHICO
No, I didn't. Did I?

                         STAN

Yes. Don't you know anything, Chico? Don't you watch Law and Order?

                         CHICO
Apparently I don't watch as much TV as you do. So, what? Now I'm arrested?

                         OFFICER KIRBY

No one's arrested here. I just want to see the caps.

                         CHICO
Now I'm not so sure I have 'em.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Chico, let me just see them.

                         CHICO
Are you kidding? Do you know how many hubcaps we got back there? 50,000. That's five-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

                         STAN
That's too many "oh's" Chico.

                         CHICO

No. Five-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

                         STAN
Now that's two too many "oh's."

                         CHICO

No. (does the math in his head) Oh.

                         STAN

You can't get good help these days.

                         CHICO
Regardless or irregardless, I do not know where those hubcaps are.

                         OFFICER KIRBY
I'm not saying you fellas stole the hubcaps, but if I can see them so we can move on.

                         CHICO
Do you have a search warrant? See? I seen that on the tv once. Ha!

                         STAN

Chico, she's too nice of a lady to come in here with a search warrant. Go get the hubcaps.

                         CHICO
But?

                         STAN
Just go back and get 'em.

                         CHICO

I'll get 'em. But after today, I want a raise or I am gone.

                         STAN

Sure. I'll forward your extra pay to your jail cell.

                         CHICO
Tell the lady you're joking. I said, Tell her you are joking.

                         STAN
She knows I'm joking.

                         CHICO

Some job. This ain't what you call the fringe benefits.

(Chico exits.)

                         OFFICER KIRBY

Thanks for not making me get the warrant, Stan.

                         STAN
My pleasure.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

I'm not saying you stole them, Stan.

                         STAN
Not yet, anyway.

                         OFFICER KIRBY
Not yet, anyway.

                         STAN

50,000 hubcaps, Officer. Each one of them have a story. Not all those stories are pretty ones.

                         OFFICER KIRBY

You'd be a fool to think otherwise.

(They both take a moment to look at the hubcaps on the wall.)

                         OFFICER KIRBY (con't)

They're just so damned beautiful, aren't they?

(FADE LIGHTS. THE END.)

• January 6, 2006 - No Shame Roanoke
  

  performed by Dwayne Yancey, Todd Ristau and Connie Sellers

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