by Hayden Taylor,
with Linsay Deming, Maggie Rice and Ashley McCarthy.
MAGGIE: Yeah, Vigo Mortensen is so cool.
MAGGIE: I mean, Damn. Heís hot...
MAGGIE: ...and fuckin brainy as hell, I hear.
MAGGIE: I heard, thatís really sensational.
ASHLEY, LINSAY and HAYDEN enter. As they exchange comments, teammates will high five each other and give other such support.††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
HAYDEN: What the hell is all this goddam talk I keep hearing about that Vigo Sissypants Mortensen?!
LINSAY: Well, you can call me the doctor, cause Bitch, your ears are motherfuckin fine.
MAGGIE: Um, Iím pretty sure your
ears are fine,
ASHLEY: Listen, nuff talk about ears, letís get back to that greasy faced,
no talent hack,
MAGGIE: Greasy face! No you
didnít. I happen to know that
HAYDEN: Respect? I save that
shit for Jesus and Mary. But I sure as hell aintí gonna fuckin give my respect to a dude who owns a
sweatshop. Thatís right, Vigo Mortensen owns three,
count em, three goddam
sweatshops in motherfuckin
ASHLEY: Hey, listen guys. Iím a shit-eating Morman, too, so cool it, okay? Letís just have a rational, serious discussion like civilized adults. Can we do that?
All(drawn out): Yeah.
They all sit down, taking great care to assume predetermined positions. All speak respectfully.
HAYDEN: Thanks for cooling us down, we were getting a little out of hand.
ASHLEY: Your welcome (mouth click and wink) Just be respectful and send ďIĒ messages, okay gang.
LINSAY: As a matter of fact, I
did know that. But did you know that very dog is actually an Ubqazi longhair, the national dog of
ASHLEY: Guys, can we just separate the terrorists from their pets, please.
LINSAY: Your right, Ash, my
bad.† Moving on to a less controversial
MAGGIE: Well, here are the facts,
HAYDEN: I see your point, but bitch, you could soak steel wool in Paul Mitchell all day, and you know what, it would still be steel wool.
ASHLEY: Clear as day.
HAYDEN, LINSAY and ASHLEY: And
MAGGIE: Weíll be the Vigo Supporters Club, and you guys can be...
HAYDEN: Weíll be the People Against Vigo Club.
LINSAY: The PAV-C!
ASHLEY: Thatís all settled, then.
The two groups separate, they are bored without the conflict and speak devoid of all enthusiasm.
HAYDEN: Yeah, yeah you said it.
LINSAY: Yep, Vee ee goo. Yep, fuckin sucks.
MAGGIE: Uh huh. (pause) Sure do, sure do.
MAGGIE: Yeah, I know, I already talked about that.
HAYDEN: Hate that
All sit looking bored.
LINSAY: I kinda miss those old shit eaters.
HAYDEN: Yeah...(standing) Hey guys, you know...
HAYDEN: And we donít.
LINSAY: But the only thing that
really matters is that we all love to talk about him.
ASHLEY: Enough with these silly divisions between us.
MAGGIE: I think its time...
LINSAY: ...to form the PFAVC, People For and Against Vigo Club.
All: Yeah! PFAVC PFAVC PFAVC!
They signal for audience to join in. After they do, group hug.