The Vigo Club

by Hayden Taylor,

with Linsay Deming, Maggie Rice and Ashley McCarthy.

 

 

MAGGIE and SHARI sit at the table center stage. Maggie in the chair, Shari on the table. They are bored.

 

MAGGIE: Yeah, Vigo Mortensen is so cool.

SHARI: Yeah, really cool. Vigo.

MAGGIE: I mean, Damn. He’s hot...

SHARI: So hot...

MAGGIE: ...and fuckin brainy as hell, I hear.

SHARI: Yeah, he got like a 1700 on his SATs.

MAGGIE: I heard, that’s really sensational.

SHARI: Yep, that Vigo.

 

ASHLEY, LINSAY and HAYDEN enter. As they exchange comments, teammates will high five each other and give other such support.                            

 

HAYDEN: What the hell is all this goddam talk I keep hearing about that Vigo Sissypants Mortensen?!

LINSAY: UUH!

SHARI: Excuse me! Should I get my ears checked, or did I just hear somebody dis my Vigo?

LINSAY: Well, you can call me the doctor, cause Bitch, your ears are motherfuckin fine.

MAGGIE: Um, I’m pretty sure your ears are fine, SHARI. Is something wrong?

SHARI: No. (pause) except these shiteaters here.

ASHLEY: Listen, nuff talk about ears, let’s get back to that greasy faced, no talent hack, Vigo.

MAGGIE: Greasy face! No you didn’t. I happen to know that Vigo visits the dermatologist three times a week, a week I said. And you know what the dermo always says. That’s right, I didnt’ think so. The dermo fuckin says, “Vigo, you’ve got a great face, the only problem is it’s a little dry in this weather.” So shut the fuck up, you know-nothing poser. Respect!

HAYDEN: Respect? I save that shit for Jesus and Mary. But I sure as hell aint’ gonna fuckin give my respect to a dude who owns a sweatshop. That’s right, Vigo Mortensen owns three, count em, three goddam sweatshops in motherfuckin Malaysia. Not only that, he batters his wives! Both of them, cause your fuckin Vigo is a shit-eating Morman.

ASHLEY: Hey, listen guys. I’m a shit-eating Morman, too, so cool it, okay? Let’s just have a rational, serious discussion like civilized adults. Can we do that?

All(drawn out): Yeah.

 

They all sit down, taking great care to assume predetermined positions. All speak respectfully.

 

HAYDEN: Thanks for cooling us down, we were getting a little out of hand.

ASHLEY: Your welcome (mouth click and wink) Just be respectful and send “I” messages, okay gang.

MAGGIE: Okay. Vigo haters, I understand and respect your opinion, but your just a bunch of ball-licking dickheads. Furthermore, Vigo is the bomb. I’ll bet you didn’t know that he dutifully walks his dog twice a day, every day.

LINSAY: As a matter of fact, I did know that. But did you know that very dog is actually an Ubqazi longhair, the national dog of Iraq. And you know, those shit-eaters are terrorists.

ASHLEY: Guys, can we just separate the terrorists from their pets, please.

LINSAY: Your right, Ash, my bad.  Moving on to a less controversial topic: Vigo’s hair-love it or leave it...or wash it, that shit is greasy.

SHARI: Look who’s talkin, mop top. But, seriously, I respect your opinion. It’s valid, it’s just bullshit, that’s all.

MAGGIE: Well, here are the facts, people: Vigo uses Paul Mitchell, that’s salon quality! So maybe you need to get your eyes checked, doctor.

HAYDEN: I see your point, but bitch, you could soak steel wool in Paul Mitchell all day, and you know what, it would still be steel wool.

SHARI: You know what folks, one thing is clear.

ASHLEY: Clear as day.

SHARI and MAGGIE: We love Vigo.

HAYDEN, LINSAY and ASHLEY: And we hate Vigo.

SHARI: And that’s what it all boils down to. So let’s just agree to disagree.

MAGGIE: We’ll be the Vigo Supporters Club, and you guys can be...

HAYDEN: We’ll be the People Against Vigo Club.

LINSAY: The PAV-C!

ASHLEY: That’s all settled, then.

 

The two groups separate, they are bored without the conflict and speak devoid of all enthusiasm.

 

ASHLEY: Vigo. Vigo just sucks.

HAYDEN: Yeah, yeah you said it.

LINSAY: Yep, Vee ee goo. Yep, fuckin sucks.

 

SHARI: Love that Vigo.

MAGGIE: Uh huh. (pause) Sure do, sure do.

SHARI: I mean his hair, he uses Paul Mitchell, you know.

MAGGIE: Yeah, I know, I already talked about that.

SHARI: Right. Love that Vigo.

 

HAYDEN: Hate that Vigo.

 

All sit looking bored.

 

LINSAY: I kinda miss those old shit eaters.

HAYDEN: Yeah...(standing) Hey guys, you know...

 

SHARI: I think I do. We like Vigo...

HAYDEN: And we don’t.

LINSAY: But the only thing that really matters is that we all love to talk about him. Vigo exists, for us to love, or to hate, and we all have to respect that.

ASHLEY: Enough with these silly divisions between us.

MAGGIE: I think its time...

LINSAY: ...to form the PFAVC, People For and Against Vigo Club.

All: Yeah! PFAVC PFAVC PFAVC!

 

They signal for audience to join in. After they do, group hug.

 

LIGHTS OUT.