Squishy oh Damn
by Hayden Taylor
A and B stand center stage with tennis rackets and a homemade ball. They sing their lines to each other in very particular, repetitive motifs. After each line they hit the ball to the other in a gentle underhand swing.
(Lower pitch; higher pitch)
A: Squish. Oh, damn. Squish…
B: …Oh, damn. Squish…
A: …Oh, damn! S q u i s h……….Oh, da m n. Damn…damn, damn, squi—squish.
B (in triplets): DA da da, DA da da, DA da da, Da da da—Damn!...Squishhhhaa.
They bring their rackets to their sides and face front.
B kneels, stays a moment, rises.
Both: Squishy, squishy, squish—Oh!—Damn, damn, daaaaammn.
A moment’s pause, then they face each other again, and laugh theatrically.
They high-five, switch positions and high-five again.
A sits down on the floor, facing forward, and twirls his racket.
B remains standing,bops ball up and down on racket.
Lines: more like normal speech now. Sing as appropriate.
B: Oh dam.
A: Squish squish.
B: Oh oh, damn damn.
A: Squisy, a squishy damn damn—Oh oh, damn, squishy squish. Oh damn squishy?
B (as if the answer were obvious): Squish, damn.
B bounces the ball higher now.
A: A squishy squishy damn, a damny damn squish. Oh damn?
B: A damny squishy oh oh. A squishy oh oh damny.
B bounces the ball very high now.
A (very demonstratively): Asquishada squishada, DAMN, OH OH—SQUISH!
B (playfully): Aaaaa nana nana squishy, oh damn, squizeee-ish.
B hits the ball too high it rolls away upstage.
She goes after it offstage.
A still faces forward and takes no notice.
A: Damn oh?
A: Damn oh?
A looks behind him.
He calls with growing anxiety.
A: Squish? Squish oh damn?
A stops, thinks a moment.
A (“oh well”): Ah, squish, oh damn.
A crosses to stage left. Then back to stage right.
C enters stage left and sits on the floor doing leg lifts.
A stares at wall, gets bored, crosses stage left. He approaches C.
C is looking the away from A.
A: Squish oh damn?
C glares at A, then ignores him, resumes leg lifts.
A: Squish oh oh damny?
C faces A, frustrated.
C: Busy bee! Busy bee!
C ignores him again, resuems leg lifts.
A sits and mimics C.
A moment, then C turns to rebuke A.
C: Busy bee! Busy busy busy bee!
A leaves, saddened.
C rolls offstage.
D and E enter stage right.
They do a Carribbean circle dance.
D and E: Sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, Cha! Cha!
D and E dance a while, repeating their line.
A approaches D and E, when he arrives they stop and turn to him.
A: Squish oh damn?
D and E (arrogantly): Sizzle-wizzle, cha, cha.
A tries to do their dance. They just look at him.
D (to E): Wizzle?
E: (to D): Sizzle.
They turn to A.
D and E (“see ya dork”): Sizzle, wizzle.
D and E exit stage right.
F enters stage left. F sings to herself, looking distant.
F: Do wee wee la, do-ee, do-ee, wee wee la!
F ambles around, singing to self.
A approaches; F takes no notice, keeps singing.
A mimics her.
A (joining F): Do wee wee la, do-ee, do-ee, wee wee la!
Do wee wee la, do-ee, do-ee, wee wee la!
F stops singing and ambling; stands still and stares at A.
F laughs and smiles big.
F resumes singing, now with greater force, and takes A by the shoulders,
escorting him stage left.
F crosses back to stage right and exits.
A sits stage left and cries in singing voice.
A (weeping): Squishy, damny. Squishy, squishy, SQUISHY, damny!
G enters stage right. He repeats his lines while making a shoveling motion.
G: Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.
G continues as above. A approaches, timidly. G takes no notice.
A mimics G.
A (with G): Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.
G pauses and looks at A. A stops.
G pats A on the back
G continues work, A follows.
A and G: Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.
They keep shoveling and repeating the line. A slows, G continues tirelessly.
A eventually quits. G stops, pats him on the back and exits stage right.
A throws up hands in despair.
A: Squish oh damn! Squishy oh oh, oh oh, damn!
A walks in circles, muttering to himself.
A few moments later, a ball rolls in from stage left.
A stops and looks at the ball, puzzled. He picks it up.
B (offstage; in sing-song voice as before): Squish, oh damn! Squish, oh damn!
A looks toward the voice with hope.
B enters stage left and approaches A.
B (“oh, there it is”): Squish, oh damn.
A holds out ball, B takes it.
Lines sung again.
B: Oh, damn.
A: Squish, oooh…
B (melodiously): oooh daaaaaaaammn.
A laughs joyfully. A hugs B.
Shoveler (tabor): Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.
Dance circle: sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, Cha! Cha!
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