Squishy oh Damn

by Hayden Taylor

 

A and B stand center stage with tennis rackets and a homemade ball. They sing their lines to each other in very particular, repetitive motifs. After each line they hit the ball to the other in a gentle underhand swing.

 

(Lower pitch; higher pitch)

 

A: Squish. Oh, damn. Squish…

B: …Oh, damn. Squish…

A: …Oh, damn!  S q u i s h……….Oh, da m   n.  Damn…damn, damn, squi—squish.

B (in triplets): DA da da,  DA da da,  DA da da,  Da da da—Damn!...Squishhhhaa.

 

They bring their rackets to their sides and face front.

 

A: Ssssssssquiiiiiiiiiisssshhhh!

B: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm.

B kneels, stays a moment, rises.

 

Both: Squishy, squishy, squish—Oh!—Damn, damn, daaaaammn.

 

A moment’s pause, then they face each other again, and laugh theatrically.

They high-five, switch positions and high-five again.

 

A sits down on the floor, facing forward, and twirls his racket.

B remains standing,bops ball up and down on racket.

 

Lines: more like normal speech now. Sing as appropriate.

A: Squish.

B: Oh dam.

A: Squish squish.

B: Oh oh, damn damn.

A: Squisy, a squishy damn damn—Oh oh, damn, squishy squish. Oh damn squishy?

B (as if the answer were obvious): Squish, damn.

A: Oh.

 

B bounces the ball higher now.

 

A: A squishy squishy damn, a damny damn squish. Oh damn?

B: A damny squishy oh oh. A squishy oh oh damny.

 

B bounces the ball very high now.

 

A (very demonstratively): Asquishada squishada, DAMN, OH OH—SQUISH!

B (playfully): Aaaaa nana nana squishy, oh damn, squizeee-ish.

 

B hits the ball too high it rolls away upstage.

She goes after it offstage.

 

A still faces forward and takes no notice.

 

A: Damn oh?

            (pause)

A: Damn oh?

            (pause)

A looks behind him. Alarmed, he gets up and searches.

He calls with growing anxiety.

 

A: Squish? Squish oh damn?

     Squish! Squish!

 

A stops, thinks a moment.

 

A (“oh well”): Ah, squish, oh damn.

 

A crosses to stage left. Then back to stage right.

 

C enters stage left and sits on the floor doing leg lifts.

 

A stares at wall, gets bored, crosses stage left. He approaches C.

C is looking the away from A.

 

A: Squish oh damn?

 

C glares at A, then ignores him, resumes leg lifts.

 

A: Squish oh oh damny?

 

C faces A, frustrated.

 

C: Busy bee! Busy bee!

 

C ignores him again, resuems leg lifts.

A sits and mimics C.

 

A moment, then C turns to rebuke A.

 

C: Busy bee! Busy busy busy bee!

 

A leaves, saddened.

C rolls offstage.

 

D and E enter stage right.

They do a Carribbean circle dance.

 

D and E: Sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, Cha! Cha!

 

D and E dance a while, repeating their line.

 

A approaches D and E, when he arrives they stop and turn to him.

 

A: Squish oh damn?

D and E (arrogantly): Sizzle-wizzle, cha, cha.

 

A tries to do their dance. They just look at him.

A stops.

 

D (to E): Wizzle?

E: (to D): Sizzle.

 

They turn to A.

 

D and E (“see ya dork”): Sizzle, wizzle.

 

D and E exit stage right.

 

F enters stage left. F sings to herself, looking distant.

 

F: Do wee wee la, do-ee, do-ee, wee wee la!

 

F ambles around, singing to self.

 

A approaches; F takes no notice, keeps singing.

A mimics her.

 

A (joining F): Do wee wee la, do-ee, do-ee, wee wee la!

                        Do wee wee la, do-ee, do-ee, wee wee la!

 

F stops singing and ambling; stands still and stares at A.

F laughs and smiles big.

F resumes singing, now with greater force, and takes A by the shoulders,

escorting him stage left.

 

F crosses back to stage right and exits.

 

A sits stage left and cries in singing voice.

 

A (weeping): Squishy, damny. Squishy, squishy, SQUISHY, damny!

 

G enters stage right. He repeats his lines while making a shoveling motion.

 

G: Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.

 

G continues as above. A approaches, timidly. G takes no notice.

A mimics G.

 

A (with G): Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.

 

G pauses and looks at A. A stops.

G pats A on the back

G continues work, A follows.

 

A and G: Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.

 

They keep shoveling and repeating the line. A slows, G continues tirelessly.

A eventually quits. G stops, pats him on the back and exits stage right.

 

A throws up hands in despair.

 

A: Squish oh damn! Squishy oh oh, oh oh, damn!

 

A walks in circles, muttering to himself.

 

A few moments later, a ball rolls in from stage left.

A stops and looks at the ball, puzzled. He picks it up.

 

B (offstage; in sing-song voice as before): Squish, oh damn! Squish, oh damn!

 

A looks toward the voice with hope.

 

B enters stage left and approaches A.

 

B (“oh, there it is”): Squish, oh damn.

 

A holds out ball, B takes it.

 

Lines sung again.

A: Squish…

B: Oh, damn.

A: Squish, oooh…

B (melodiously): oooh daaaaaaaammn.

A laughs joyfully. A hugs B.

 

LIGHTS OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shoveler (tabor): Move this cow, move this cow. Grunt, grunt, move this cow.

Dance circle: sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle, sizzle-wizzle,  Cha! Cha!

 

 

use typeface to indicate sung or spoken? or just all sung as part of character, alternate world?

use font size for volume?

also use highlighting color code to help clarify pitch designation