copyright © 1999 Brad Smith

Fose Fatfard vs. A Dead Bee
By Brad Smith

Sploonta runs with his clothes on across the stage. He runs by again. He comes back on flickety stays there showing the audience his favorite shirthongkongfooey He looks like anger comes out his face.

Long pause.

Enter Jib the cooter Jib the cooter, super starhongkongfooey Flickety Lieutenant Warf from Star Trek.

JIB THE COOTER: Mogus Sploonta, what the foba is wrong with your holes of butt flickety pee?

SPLOONTA: You are an awful man, Fart Lickeehongkongfooey Through flickety through. Through to the toot to the root of the poot.

Jib the cooter hits his farts into a cup of pee.

Sploonta eats a cookie.

JIB THE COOTER: Nohongkongfooey Bill Murrayhongkongfooey Lesbio Stoogehongkongfooey

Enter Sploontoe

SPLOONTOE: Hellohongkongfooey

JIB THE COOTER: I stflickety corr-rectum-ed. See Sploonta?hongkongfooey Sploontoe will do hishongkongfooey Yes. He will do his poohs flickety his cues flickety he just farted, toohongkongfooey

SPLOONTOE: Yeshongkongfooey I will come out Munk's fatty urethryhongkongfooey I promise you.

SPLOONTA: Okay. That would be fine. You have to ask my mom firsthongkongfooey

SPLOONTOE: Whyhongkongfooey Is she up there already? Get out Munk's rethahongkongfooey Hellohongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: Did you know I love to smell? Because I do. Also, I hate good things. Good things make me feel just fine.

JIB THE COOTER: Well, Sploontoe, the soap will never squeeze through Sploonta's urethra if your shaggy head is in the way. Farty Farthongkongfooey Lieutenant Warf from Star Trek. If I make a fart you have to eat it. FARThongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: You rang? Too loud?

JIB THE COOTER: Say your line Lieutenant Warf. From Star Trek. Do not hesitate.

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: I am threatening to kill the president. It is a federal offense to say that, even in a joking context, or an artistic piece. But I am threatening to kill the president of the united states until blood comes from his chin. Blood comes from the President's gums flickety hair when I kill him. I can't wait for president killing season.

SPLOONTA: Duck seasonhongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: President killing seasonhongkongfooey

SPLOONTOE: We wrote a skitch at Margus' home. While he type it, Jib the cooter smelt up the room by gassing onto Sploonta's canvas chair. Nobody knew about the fartus until just now. Now it can be toldhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey

SPLOONTA: Who's the smelly one? The one that does all the smelling? Like he doesn't smell good.

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: Kehry Lane.

JIB THE COOTER: Lieutenant Warf from Star Trek, you will play the part of Amy the baby. I love Amy the baby. She is nice. She is kind to moop. Mam.

SPLOONTOE: Hey you awful people, did you know that Amy was once the fattest baby in the world?

SPLOONTA: I'd like to interject at this pointhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey That's it. That's it. That is all. That is all I have to say. I do not have a more thing to say. Get itGet itGet itGetit?Get it? Get it get it? Get it? Get itget itgetitget it get it? Get it? You get it? Do you get it?

JIB THE COOTER: Amy the Fattest. She used to be billed as the fattest baby in the world.

SPLOONTOE: But she could not pay that billhongkongfooey

JIB THE COOTER: So so so she flew awayhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey INTO THE SKYYhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: Flickety I likehongkongfooey

SPLOONTA: Of my face inside your poophongkongfooey

JIB THE COOTER: No Sploonta. That is wrong. I like how you smell. You smell me flickety the odors that I make specially.

SPLOONTA: But I did fart. Said Francis Bacon. Do you prefer Bacon to "Pacon" Shakespeare? Rip a loud fart, mahongkongfooey Do ithongkongfooey

JIB THE COOTER: Well Sploonta I guess I just like you. Now Amy is the battle boophongkongfooey It smeels nice to MY headhongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: I have an thoughthongkongfooey Which is funnyhongkongfooey

SPLOONTOE: Now she is great, Warf, you awful creep.

SPLOONTA: I like it. But not as much as I like violence against womenhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: Sploonta sing it. Sploonta. Will you sing-y?

SPLOONTA: I will sing my favorite "song".

--Sploonta boxes his favorite shirt. He eats a cookie. He stflicketys there. He sniffs.

SPLOONTA (singing): Lieutenant Warf From Star Treeeeekhongkongfooey I came down with an Italian fluhongkongfooey The doctor said take two Italians flickety call me in the morninghongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: Did I mention I hate pleasant things?

SPLOONTOE: (Bored flickety unpleasant) Yes. I think moop, mahongkongfooey I like thathongkongfooey

LIEUTENANT WARF FROM STAR TREK: I hate flowers about as much as I hate puppydogs flickety Hitler.

SPLOONTA: Two Italians, did I mention? Two Italianshongkongfooey Like they were medicine.

JIB THE COOTER: I liked it. I liked your song. I will sing it too.

He drinks straight from Sploonta's carpal. We stflickety there a full minute. Two minutes. Sploontaexpflicketys his favorite shirt until he eats a cookie. The butt-moon.

LIGHTS
DOWNhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhong kongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyho ngkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooey hongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfoo eyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongf ooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongko ngfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhongkongfooeyhong kongfooey "FOSE FATFARD VS. A DEAD BEE" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR


NOTES: Brad Smith blew the audience away with his creativity and unique voice. Enraged patrons stormed the stage afterwards, but after a warm glass of cognac, they were sufficiently calmed, then stuffed into a closet and left for good.
---Mark Hansen, friend of the author

"Fose Fatfard vs. A Dead Bee" debuted October 8, 1999 performed by James Horak, Aaron Galbraith, Al Angel and James Erwin as Lieutenant Warf from Star Trek.

Performed at Best of No Shame on December 10, 1999.


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