copyright © 2005 by Timm Sitzmann
Business! Internet! Business! By Timm Sitzmann
Performed: 9 Sept. 2005
**Monologue delivered in suit and tie. Prop: Poorly drawn pie chart with *Pie Chart* written over it with a poorly drawn bear and a poorly drawn bull - both smiling**
Hello, welcome Stockholders to the Yearly Corporate Business International Incorporated's Annual Stockholder Event. As CEO I would like to thank all of you for coming and also invite you to enjoy some of the complimentary hickory-smoked weenies. Unfortunately, due to financial uh… difficulties I will have to ask that each of you each only consumes three quarters of one weenie. There is also water to wet your palette and for those of you with a wild streak, we also have Ect-o-Cooler juice boxes. I'm looking at you Freddy.
Well, I know it's Friday and all you're thinking about is TGIF, so I'll try to keep this short. We've organized quite a night of entertainment to follow, including the nation's most critically acclaimed Barney Fife impersonator and musical guest Sisqo.
But back to business. Thanks to my leadership as CEO, our company is #1 in all respects, except those that involve any type of money. But as you will all remember, our Plan for Optimal Organizational Proficiency, or POOP for short, POOP has been going smoothly, save for a few log-snags. Our first plan to solidify our capital may need revision since, apparently, it is impossible for us to purchase the internet. On the upside, our product licensing campaign is going according to plan: we have just acquired the rights to manufacture merchandise for Hootie and the Blowfish, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Gigli. Unfortunately though, we will not be able to follow through with the final component of POOP due to budgetary constipation.
However, there is no cause for alarm. The financial problems are not inherent in the company or my leadership as the recent terrorist attacks of September 11th 2001 have essentially crippled the entire economy. But as you can see from this pie graph, the bear and bull markets are smiling upon us and improved fourth quarter earnings are all but guaranteed.
But in the meantime, there will be substantial layoffs within the company. Please understand that these changes are essential for the good of the company. I feel the pain of the unemployed, I understand financial difficulties. For instance, the government loans we received were barely enough to cover my annual 2 million dollar pay raise. So please, take it with stride and pride.
In closing, I would just like to make a few remarks about the Corporate Business International Incorporated's state of affairs. The nature of the game is changing and as the job market evolves and the economy goes global, our group not only must survive but flourish in the ever-evolving global interconnected marketplace. My approach as CEO is one of an aggressive dividend aristocrat who knows how to operate in the intraday post September 11th world.
Take Care and Enjoy the Thong Song.
**Breaks Character** So do I have the job?
So do I have the job?
Off: I don't understand what this is all about. We're just looking for a pizza delivery guy.
Actor: So… you don't need a CEO?
Off: I'm sorry, but no.
Actor: Oh… okay. Good bye. ***exits***
Off: **walks onstage** Poor guy - unemployed, obviously disillusioned with mental problems. He just hasn't been the same since Friends ended. Poor David Schwimmer.
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