copyright © 2005 by Timm Sitzmann
keep your friends close and Friends far, far far away
By Timm Sitzmann Performed: 2 September 2005 Iowa City
Characters: Wife (Allie), Husband (Scott), Best friend (Jake), Bigfoot
Lights up: Scott sitting at desk, typing at a computer. Allie/Bigfoot offstage - stage right, Jake is offstage, stage left
Allie: flirtatiously Hey Scott
Scott hurriedly tries to hide what he was doing on the computer
Scott: Hey, what's…. what's up?
Allie: Oh, walks toward Scott I was just thinking about our honeymoon.
Scott: About… about mini-golfing?
Allie: slightly annoyed No, I was remembering that night and I was thinking that runs finger across Scott's shoulder we could relive the passion.
Scott: You want to go to Applebee's?
Allie: very annoyed No. I meant sex you idiot. Pause. I'm going upstairs. If you want to fuck, get your dumb ass up there. Quick.
Scott turns around, sighs out of relief and turns the computer back on, begins typing
Allie storms onstage
Allie: outraged I knew it! I knew you were sneaking around on the computer. I knew it! Do you think I'm an idiot? Just, just what Scott? Huh? I can't believe you're doing this again! After all the problems, the promises, the counseling, the therapy; I find you sneaking around, searching the internet. For Bigfoot.
Scott: BUT HE'S REAL Allie! I know he's real.
Allie: He's not real Scott. Bigfoot is not real. Neither is the Yeti, the Lochness Monster, or the Pope.
Scott: Then how do you explain my dream?
Allie: You're a closet homosexual.
Scott: No. The other dream: where Bigfoot sells me car insurance and tells me he's real.
Allie: Scott, I - I just don't think I can live like this.
Allie begins walking away
Scott: Wait! Allie stops and turns around Give me one day to prove that he exists and if you don't believe, then I'll stop. I promise.
Allie: Fine. I'll give you one day, 48 half hours.
Scott: Thanks. Now, go to bed. I've got work to do for tomorrow.
Allie exits stage right. Scott exits stage left.
Jake knocks from offstage
Allie enters, walks towards Jake and opens the door. Jake enters
Allie: Jake? What are you doing here?
Jake: Scott called me and told me to come over, but I don't really know—
Scott: Enters. Great. We're ready. Pause. So I have been obsessed with Bigfoot for a while and occasionally it interferes with my personal life.
Jake: Occasionally? Scott, you were supposed to be my Best Man, but you missed the wedding.
Allie: You missed our fifth anniversary.
Jake: You didn't even go to your own mother's funeral.
Scott: That wasn't because of Bigfoot - I just hated the bitch. Pause. But it's going to end because today we are going on a Bigfoot hunt.
Jake: Scott. We live in Miami.
Scott: I've taken care of it. Just follow me.
Scott begins walking towards offstage right, Jake and Allie reluctantly follow.
Scott: All we have to do, is exit stage right. All exit. Then, All Reenter. Reemerge and now we're in Canada!
Allie: Whispered Weird.
Scott: Okay, now stay close. I'll protect you when we find Bigfoot.
The group begins walking around stage, Jake and Allie following Scott.
Allie: Angry. Scott. Can we just stop and go home? We've been here for 3 hours and haven't seen anything. Bigfoot enters sneaks up behind group, noone notices If Bigfoot existed, we would have seen him by now let's just—
Bigfoot: growly scream GRRREOOWOWLLALLWOOHHLLLALLL
Allie Jake and Scott shriek. Scott falls over.
Bigfoot stops when Scott falls, Allie Jake Scott's shriek dies out when Bigfoot stops.
Bigfoot: Just kidding. Hi, my name's Sasquatch, but my friends call me Bigfoot. He extends hand for handshake.
Scott: gets up Oh my god. He shakes Bigfoot's hand. You don't know how excited I am to meet you Mr. Sasquatch.
Bigfoot: Call me Bigfoot. Hey, you want to come over to my place watch some football?
Bigfoot: Yeah, drink some beer, watch some football, maybe play some pool.
Allie: I love pool.
Jake: Sounds pretty good Bigfoot. Let's do it.
All walk offstage left, Scott lags behind
Scott enters looks around stage
Scott: Allie! I'm home! Are you here? I wonder where she is.
Enter Bigfoot and Allie, holding hands, skipping across the stage, behind Scott
Scott: Come to think of it, she has been gone a lot lately. I've barely seen her at all since the Bigfoot hunt. I could call Jake,
Enter Bigfoot and Jake playing catch with a football, behind Scott
Scott: but he's not answering his phone. I wouldn't mind catching a movie, I heard March of the Penguins is pretty good. But I can't go alone.
Enter Allie in background, joins Bigfoot and Jake. They have a dance party.
Scott: Are they ignoring me? I wonder if they're still mad about the Bigfoot thing. Maybe I should call Allie. Takes out phone and calls Allie
Allies phone rings, she looks at the name
Allie: Cautioning the others. It's Scott! Turn the music down!
Bigfoot: We're not listening to any music.
Allie: Okay, good. Answers phone Hey Scott.
Scott: Hey, I just wanted to call and - wait, where are you?
Allie: I'm at…. Covers phone and whispers Where should I say I am?
Allie: I'm at Bigfoots.
Jake: That was probably a bad idea.
Bigfoot: No, I think he bought it.
Scott: You're at Bigfoots? What are you doing there?
Allie: You were right Scott. Bigfoot does exist and Jake and I think he's pretty cool.
Scott: Jake too? No. I forbid you from seeing Bigfoot anymore. Come home right now.
Allie: You're not my home base teacher, Scott. And if you're going to freak out like this, I just might not come home, ever. She hangs up the phone and the Dance Party continues.
Scott: Bigfoot just stole my wife and my best friend. Bigfoot stole my friends. What am I - wait a second. Friends? You've got to be kidding me. He's dead.
Scott exits angrily stage right and reemerges
Bigfoot, Jake, and Allie are shocked
Allie: Scott? What are you -
Scott: I'm not going to let my wife and best friend be stolen from me, especially by an impostor.
Bigfoot: Hey, come on. I'm not an impostor.
Scott: Prove it. If you're the real Bigfoot you can answer a few questions. Like, what's Bigfoot's middle name? Bigfoot stutters but can't answer Or what about Bigfoot's Social Security number? Elementary school? Mother's Maiden name? Scott moves right next to Bigfoot. It gets worse. Bigfoot's pretty cool huh guys? What do you think about the real Bigfoot Rips “mask” from Bigfoot's face
Allie/Jake: They gasp, their jaws drop to the floor David Schwimmer?
Allie leans to the side and vomits
Scott: Yes. You've been hanging out with Ross.
Bigfoot: Angry My name is not Ross. Okay? That is just one of my characters - I'm an actor.
Scott: Oh really? 6 Days 7 nights? The Pallbearer? Breast men? Sorry, none of those count as movies.
Bigfoot: I did a voice for Madagascar.
Scott: Exactly. Come on. Let's leave.
They begin exiting, stage right, Scott stops and turns around
Scott: And I was going to kill you - but I realized that there are some things worse than death.
Bigfoot: Like what?
Scott: Like being David Schwimmer.
Bigfoot is hurt, looks at feet.
Scott, Allie, Jake exit stage right.
Bigfoot takes out a gun, stares ponderously at it and places it in his mouth, closes his eyes when Scott enters and approaches him.
Scott: Hey. Come on now. Give me the gun He reaches for the gun. Let me do it for you.
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