copyright © 2004 by Timm Sitzmann
Tim Is S/Mad. Tad, S/Mim; Tad!
by Timm Sitzmann
Performed: Sept. 3 2004
3 Characters: Tim, Mark, and Aprille Note: Tim should have a cell phone not on vibrate
**** Tim is sitting center stage, on a chair. Los others are off stage left***
**T is sitting, looking sad and forlorn, possibly sighing.**
M: **Wait 5 seconds then enter** Hey Tim! How's it going?
M: Good to hear. Hey - Do you think you might want to come with—
M: I didn't even finish what I—
T: NO. I said no.
M: Are you alright? Something wrong?
T: No. Nothing is wrong. I'm…. I'm just in a bad mood. Sorry Mark.
M: You know what I do when I'm in a bad mood?
M: I remind myself that Arnold Schwarzenegger really is the governor of California. Sometimes I forget and I need to remind myself.
T: That's not funny; that's just sad.
M: *beat* Well, Aprille and I were going to go shoot the shit, do you want to come?
T: I don't even know what that means.
M: Well what do you want to do?
M: Do you want to go fly kites?
T: There isn't any wind.
M: Want to go for a walk?
T: I'd fall and scrape my knee.
M: Go eat?
T: Don't have any money.
M: Do you want to go dance on Ronald Reagan's grave?
T: *pause* What kind of dance?
M: Umm.. Fox Trot?
T: No, I hate Bill Ammend.
***Aprille enters stage left***
A: Hey, guys. Mark, I thought we were going to go shit shooting?
M: We can't, Tim is in a bad mood.
A: Oh. Well, you know what you could do?
A: Drown your sorrow with alcohol!
** all three turn backs toward audience**
M: 30 minutes later
**turn and face audience again**
A: That didn't work.
T: No, it didn't.
M: How are you supposed to drown an abstract concept like sorrow anyway?
A: Forget it, let's go do something. Want to go shopping?
T: No money.
A: Watch a movie?
T: I'm blind.
A: Listen to an album?
T: I'm deaf.
A: Do you want to read scripture?
T: *Pause* what book?
T: What chapter?
A: *pause* 15?
T: What verse?
A: Uh. 19?
T: Menstruation isn't going to cheer me up, Aprille.
M: You know what? I'm not going to ask you what you want to do, you'll just say no.
Let's go lay on a hill and look at clouds.
*** all lay on floor***
A: **points to ceiling** That one looks like a bunny!
**** Tim's phone rings, doesn't notice at first/answer it. Act as if it were an accident. Answer with: I can't talk right now, I'm too sad.****
M: **points to ceiling** No! It looks like a bunny hugging a kitten!
A: What do you think Tim?
T: It looks like the Black Death.
M: **sits up** This isn't working. Let's go to Hollywood.
*** all sit in chairs facing audience***
T: what are we doing, here, in Hollywood?
A: Oooh. I've always wanted to see a live taping of Family Feud.
M: Yeah and today is the Montagues against the Capulets.
T: I'm leaving; I don't want to be here.
A: Let's go to New York City instead!
M: What would we do there?
A: Go to the Republican National Convention of course!
T: No. I'm not going.
A: Come on! I know you love ridiculing the failures, lies, and hypocrisies of partisan politics.
T: Yeah, but not when people actually believe it. I'll just stay here, you go.
M: Okay Tim, what is wrong. Why are you so down?
T: I told you, I don't want to talk about it okay?
A: Come on, we've tried everything. Unless you want to be Mr. Angry at the World, hating everyone, grimacing while you eat, listening to Korn and Slipknot, and fighting people because they're not angry like you, you HAVE to tell us what's wrong.
T: No, well. You'll think it's dumb.
M: No, it's okay
A: Yeah, we just want to help.
T: well… I'm, just sad now that …. That, you know, now that the Olympics are over.
A: Hey, don't worry! Before you know it, the winter Olympics will be here!
M: and the next summer Olympics are only 4 years away!
A: Oh, I have them all on tape too! You can borrow them if you wa—
T: No. It's not about the Olympics.
M: But you just said that the olymp—
T: I know; they were a distraction. I watched them to forget about what was really getting me down.
A: Which is…?
T: The Republican Convention. I just get reminded of how pitiful the situation is. People are so blinded by partisanship that they don't care about solving problems. They work against democracy by keeping out third parties, they ignore important issues because they want to seem ‘moderate', they're obsessed with war, terrorism, and patriotism. They lie, cheat, steal, break promises, and nobody cares. Nobody cares.
M: You know what, someday that'll change. We'll have some sort of… velvet glove revolution and everything will be okay.
A: Yeah, and I've been saving up artillery for years now and—
T: You know what, I made that up too. I… The reason I was so sad was that I knew No Shame was starting and I had to think of a piece and I wanted it to be really good. But I was afraid of having a bad piece and what people would think about me.
A: Hey, don't worry about it, okay?
M: Yeah Tim, nobody cares. What you do won't change people's opinions of you, they're going to dislike you no matter how funny you are or aren't!
A: It's true. *pause* So do you feel better now?
T: No. That wasn't it either.
M: Then what the hell is wrong?
T: I— I… I'm pregnant
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