copyright © 2004 by Timm Sitzmann



By Timm Sitzmann 

Performed April 2nd 2004 feat. Timm, Paul Rust, Mark Norris and Brad Hansen


2 chairs on stage right, table center stage with one chair and 3 chairs on stage left

Music Starts…   ****1 starts onstage, 2 and 3 off stageright 3 handle music****


1:  *singing* Somewhere, over the rainbow, way, up high.


***2 Joins, puts arm around 1 and look at each other and audience and smile and sing***


1 and 2 : Birds, fly, over the rainbow why then oh why can’t I.


***3 stop music***


** 1 and 2 separate standing about 5 feet apart facing the audience**


1: With the club anthem complete, I call this meeting of the Ku Klux Klan to order.


2: I would like to bring up some new business.


1: The rules say we have to go through the old business first.


2: Fine… Old Business (beat) a motion to continue our dislike for African Americans.


1: All in favor?


1 and 2: **raise hands** I


1: All opposed? (pause)


1: motion passed. Now on to new business *pause* Mr. Williams.


2: Umm. Well, **drawn out, unprepared** I was thinking we could keep hating negroes.


1: **stern look** The politically correct term is African-americans.


2: Sorry, we could keep hating African-Americans.


3: *walks out in front of one and two holding a fake microphone, in a reporter voice*

   * 2 and 4 sit down in fake car seats behind reporter, 2 is the driver, 4 is the passenger *

  You’ve been listening to our coverage of this year’s ku klux klan meeting, here on 98.5.

   ***move to the side so audience can see people behind you, stay stationary though***

4: Huh, I didn’t know it was legal to be that dumb anymore.


3: Now, breaking news. Rappers from around the world came together today to issue a press release concerning the lyrical content of their songs. The release stated quote “We do not demean women, we actually mean hoes as in gardening hoes. We enjoy growing our own produce and selling it at local markets.


**2’s Phone rings**    **3 exits stage right**


** 2 reaches for a phone**

4: Don’t answer that Frank.


**2 tries to stop himself, but picks it up**


2: Hello?  (beat) It’s Baxter!


**3 begins to walk across stage DON”T cross the car’s path right away***


3: Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow


4: Watch out for that cat!!


2: What?

**3 jumps as if hit by car and goes off stage**


2: **into phone** Hello? Baxter? (beat) Bad reception. ** hangs up phone*** Hey, we’re here anyway.


**2 and 4 exit car. begin walking towards table, stop far in front and knock**


**1 enters and sits in one of three chairs lining stage left**


1: Come in!


**2 and 4 walk towards table   3 Sits at Table**


2: Hey Toby, what’s up?


1: Nothing, just watching a little Friday night sex show


4: Cool. **2 sits 4 stands behind them turned away from TV** What’s she talking about?


1: STDs


3:  and I think that people worry too much about them. I mean, all STD’s really prove is that you have a lot of sex. They are Sex trophies. And Chlamydia is like the Purple Heart of Sex.


2: Yeah, well what about pregnancy?


3: *beat* Some might say, well what pregnancy? But that’s not a problem. If you ignore it for 9 months, it will go away.


1: Crazy. Hey… Langston, what’s up? Why are you back there?


4:  **turn around** You both know that I gave up TV for lent.


2: Lord. I’m sorry. I forgot.


4: That’s okay, I understand. What did you guys give up for lent?


1: I gave up religion.


2: and I gave up opiates **freeze for 2 seconds** which would include religion


4: Geez. Well it’s a good thing Easter is almost here!


2: I love Easter, it’s probably my favorite holiday.


1: Yeah, I think the story of Easter is the best part of the bible!


3: **from off stage, yelling** DREAM SEQUENCE

**4 exits**


**1 and 2 speak excitedly, for their savior has risen!! J **

1: Look! The boulder! It’s been moved from the tomb!


2: Jesus has risen from the dead!


1: Do you know what this means?!??

***1 and 2 glance at each other****


1&2: JESUS IS A ZOMBIE!!!! RUN!!!!!


3: **arms extended/zombie walk** in a zombie voice – slow monotone****



***3 exits, 1 and 2 sit,  4 returns to standing***


1: All this talk about eating brains has gotten me hungry. How about we go to the Outback for some signature Outback Steakhouse steak?


4: NO WAY. I will never go back to that place. Not after what happened last time.


3:**from offstage, yelling** FLASHBACK






4: I’ll be right back, I need to go the bathroom.

**walk to center of stage**



4: **look left**  Joey’s ***look right*** Sheilas

4: **look left**  Joey’s ***look right*** Sheilas


4: **Collapse to ground** NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


2: That’s alright, we can just order a pizza or something.


**3 makes loud knocking noises**


1: That was quick! **goes to the door, opens it**


3: **walking onto stage, quick delivery** Hi, I’m reverend Jerry Falwell and I’m fundraising door to door for the Family Association of America. We’re collecting funds to support the creation of a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman. This is a very important social issue and we need your help. If we allow gay people to marry it will destroy the sanctity of marriage and destroy our society. Just imagine what a world would be like where gay people could marry each other!



3: drea-  **stops, walks off stage** Dream Sequence Number 2


**1 and 2 standing next to each other staring into each other’s eyes***

1: I do.

2: I do.




1: OH NO!


2: What’s Happening??

***Begin running around, screaming your lines, running through the audience***

1: My face is on fire!


2: The polar ice caps are melting! The world is flooding!


3: The world’s missiles have accidentally  launched!


4: It’s a nuclear winter!


1: The space time continuum has been ripped!


2:The gate’s of hell are opening!


3: The four horsemen of the apocalypse have arrived!


4: The world is going to be destroyed!


**stop running, pause**


**lights stop flashing stay on**




**lights start flashing**



**random screams of terror, apocalyptic yells into audience members’ faces**



**lights continue flashing for 15 seconds then fade**




***SUGGESTIONS FOR APOCALYPTIC YELLS:   oh god, they will kill us all, the gays are invading, Teabag! Teabag! Teabag!, today San Francisco – Tomorrow the world!, Anyone but Rosie O’ Donnel! Anyone!, incomprehensible gurgling,  OR ANYTHING ELSE





  • April 2, 2004 - No Shame Iowa City
    Performed by Timm Sitzmann, Paul Rust, Mark Norris and Brad Hansen

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