copyright © 2004 by Timm Sitzmann


Exocannibalism: literally and figuratively OR Forget Atkins, I eat people.

By Timm Sitzmann

Performed March 5 2004 w/ Timm, Mark Norris and Brad Hansen


***Jonathon standing, center stage, Narrator standing further in front and more stage left***


Narrator: Dark brown, Tommy Bahama designer sandals, with the outlines from his sweaty toes worn into them.


Jonathon: I donít travel without them


N: Jonathon Smith was a self proclaimed culturalist. His 3.4 million dollar home was cluttered with authentic souvenirs acquired through his trips abroad. He sits atop a Thembu royal throne he purchased in the African Nbashi river valley; he is wearing his Armani suit, sipping martinis.


J: Sitting here I really feel in touch with the primitive side of life Ė completely aligned with the natural Earth.


N: It was his escape from the urban jungle, a retreat of sorts.


***Standing, Jonathon Smith points to a picture***

J: Ah, this picture is me with a group of native Indians from the Congo jungle. They were a backward people, but with the right direction they could really develop themselves to a point where they may be able to contribute to the world economy.


N: Itís not to say that the trips themselves were the retreat he needed from his hectic life, but itís not to say that they werenít. It is to say that Jonathon Smith spent more time reciting his travels to friends than the time Jonathon Smith actually spent traveling.


J: Peaks of the Tibetan mountains, Mayan villages of Guatemala, Incan ruins in Peru, Aborigines in Australia. ††††Iíve been to all six continents.†††At least ten times each.


**** Jonathon Smith Exits Stage Left*****

N: The Nimo people are indigenous to the Sepik River region of Papua New Guinea. They were a fierce warring people when the Australian government sent in the first government officials in the 1960's and 70's.Jonathon Smith had a new obsession: the Nimo people. Most of his interest was due to nose piercing, head hunting, and cannibalism which were all an integral part of the Nimo way of life.


*** Jon and Anthropologist Evan McGreu enter walking and talking to each other *****

J: Öuntil the Australian government brought peace to the Nimo people, banning warfare and sorcery. However, there are still tribes of uncivilized Nemo people in the remote areas of the jungle. I plan to track down the cannibals and offer them tobacco and beads In return they will let me stay in their tree houses.

Evan: I'm sure they'll be welcoming. These people live like they did in the Stone Age. When they eat people, it's more like a vendetta between tribes - like rival football teams

***J and E continue walking and talking (softly) back and forth on the stage***

N: That was his plan, as explained to anthropologist Evan McGreur, who along with Jonathon Smith, had just arrived with the New Guinea Adventure Tour.

***J and E stop, Evan points up ahead****

E: Oh look! There is the village up ahead!

***They continue walking, Paladwa enters stage and stands near stage right****

N: This was the destination for the Adventure tour Ė The remote Nimo tribal village. The streets lined with vendors dispensing clothing, masks, weapons, and hand carved idols of their religious spirits. Jonathon Smith and anthropologist Evan McGreu stopped to browse the vendor in front of the Lutheran Missionaryís office.

*** J and E stop in front of Paladwa, J picks up an imaginary statue off the floor****

J: Look it the detail on this statue.

E: Thatís Jawala Ė the warrior god. If the villagers were afraid of a warring tribe, they would worship and appease him in order to guarantee protection from the enemy.

J: It would look perfect next to my Iroquois headdress in my study. I must have it. Excuse me, how much for this?

P: 50

J: Iíll give you 10.

P: *shake head* 50

J: okay, 15. Deal?

P: *shake head* 50

J: fine fine. 18. here, take it!

P: *shake head* 50

J: Do you like cigarettes? Smoke? *hand them cigarette*yeah, smoke! Okay, now 15?

P: *shake head* 50

J: Youíre really trying to rip me off. Iíll find one somewhere else.

*** J and E walk away from Paladwa. Paladwa Exits Stage Right****

J: Can you believe that?50 dollars? Iím not made of money. Flying here alone cost me thirty five hundred dollars! I canít afford a fifty dollar statue. Greedy savages, trying to take advantage of ignorant tourists.

E: Iíve been thinking about your plan, you know, to find the remote tribes in the jungle and live with them. I want to join you. It would be great research for my new book. It would also be sure to get me department head and that pay increase.

J: Great! ****Jonathon points**** Look, thereís a path into the jungle.

***** J and E walk off stage left continuing small conversation (softly)******

N: Jonathon Smith and anthropologist Evan McGreu wandered through the remote jungles near the Jawala village of the Nimo people for five hours that day and four hours that night. Mostly this time was spent retelling their tales of danger and exploration of primitive lands.

N: They were so engaged in their attempts to impress the other that they didnít hear the rustle of the Nipa tree leaves in the jungle around them.

3 seconds before the machetes entered their necks they looked up and saw the painted eyes behind the wooden mask standing in front of them.

2 seconds before the blades made their mark and the crimson blood trickled down the length of their torsos, the two explorersheard the sound of running feet stop

1 second before their skin was split and the deluge of red blood erupted from wound, their minds thought only of their flesh and their muscle in the mouths of these primitive people.

And at the final moment before the machete sliced through

the necks of Jonathon Smith and the anthropologist Evan McGreu

their dark red stained bodies fell limp to the ground,

the two cultural cannibals finally knew

what it was like to be the people who were being consumed.



  • March 5, 2004 - No Shame Iowa City
    Performed by Timm Sitzmann, Mark Norris and Brad Hansen

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