Hi, my name is Le Mars, and I’m thiiiiis big.
By Timm Sitzmann
Performed May 7 2004 at Iowa City BONS by Timm, Mark, and Bobby
The following is a series of events to introduce you to my home
SCENE 1: Neapolitan contains vanilla, chocolate, and fascism.
***2 people driving down the road. One points and asks questions, the other answers***
1: Friend, I’m glad you came to visit. Many moons have risen and set since we have been
2: How true. Why do they call this town the “Ice Cream Capital of the world?
1: Wells’ dairy. They process and market lots of milk and ice cream.
2: Is that building with the big ice cream cone their office?
1: No, that’s city hall.
2: I’d like to see the official le mars welcome center.
1: Okay, we can eat at the Wells’ ice cream parlor and visit the Wells’ museum.
2: Are they near the welcome center?
1: They are the welcome center.
2: I can’t wait for the Fourth of July festivities to begin.
1: I know. I love Ice Cream Days.
2: Ice cream days?
1: Yeah, the four days before the holiday are ice cream days. There are a bunch of city financed events on city ground where Wells’ sells ice cream!
2: So what you’re saying is Wells’ does NOT own and control the city of le mars?
TWO: The progressive citizenry of le mars instill morality into their youth at an early age
***TWO CHILDREN STAND CLOSE TOGETHER, ANOTHER IS FAR AWAY****
1: I hate waiting for the bus.
2: Me too. Hey who’s that kid?
1: Hey ***POINT*** yeah, you, do you go to franklin elementary too?
2: Do you go to Clark Elementary?
1: Where do you go?
3: Gehlen Catholic.
1 & 2: GAY- lehn? Does that mean you’re gay?
THREE: The Ice
*** 1 and 2 Stay offstage together and emerge and return alone to the same side upon their lines*****
3: So school was cancelled and my friends and I went to a place called the pit, it’s a like a really small, gross lake that people swim in. It was frozen over and we were snowboarding when one of our boards went out on the ice. I walked out slowly and when I got out to the board I threw it back to the shore and then as I began to walk back the ice broke and I fell through and was completely submerged in the arctic waters. I kept grabbing the ice but every piece I touched broke until after about 15 seconds when I rolled onto a piece of stable ice. I walked to my friends who just stared at me and said
1: Are you okay?
3: The funny part is two days later I was working at Hy Vee when a kid from school saw me and asked.
2: Hey, I heard about you at the pit. When did you get out of your coma?
FOUR: Trucks are for going mudding, not driving
**** 2 people walk across the stage and have a short conversation******
1: Dude, did you hear the shitty news?
1: Next year, they’re going to give us tickets if we back our trucks into the spaces of the parking lot instead of pulling in forward.
2: That’s fucking gay.
FIVE: Kurt Cobain was murdered! And here’s the proof.
****1 stands and 3 is sitting down*****
1: City council of le mars, that’s why we would like your help building a public skate park.
3: You have done a great job getting support and raising almost 30 thousand dollars. So we’re going to label the skate park as part of our community betterment project. We raised an extra one million dollars so we’re going to build the skate park on an old parking lot that isn’t even flat and has lots of cracks. Then we’re going to take all the credit for building it and not even use all the money that you’ve already received.
SIX Le Mars doesn’t have public transit, my sincere apologies Rosa Parks.
****1=driver 2=passenger 3=cop******
1: I’m so bored, I can’t believe we’re driving around le mars –what the?
2. Why are we getting pulled over?
1: I don’t know
3: Alright, what are you doing-Oh, sorry, I thought you were black.
SEVEN: Having watched every episode of the real world makes you intelligent.
****1=teacher audience=class 2=offstage, talking through the intercom******
1: and theorem 3.6 states that if two parallels are cut by a transversal then…
2: Excuse the interruption teachers, we’re the Varsity cheerleaders and we’re here to show some spirit for our bulldog football team!
3: Okay, so the homecoming theme that year was who let the dogs out. In that room and throughout the entire building every class was interrupted to listen to the Baha Men. The entire song, all 3 and a half minutes.
EIGHT: Hippo-crites are grey
animals that live in
****1 emerges alone and speaks slightly fast********
1: Hi, I’m Mr. Peders the school’s Athletic director. You may remember me as the man who gives the code of conduct meetings and provides you with the rules you must follow in order to participate in extra curricular activities. Sorry to cut this short, I have to go have sex with an elementary school teacher even though we are both married. We have had sex in the gym, the band room, and possibly my office. Luckily I wasn’t asked to resign until 3 years after being caught, remember, if you get an MIP you don’t have the moral character to represent our school.
NINE: The obsidian camel-toe
*** Two people sit at their computers and instant message each other*******
1: God. I can’t handle this anymore. The last class I had was intolerable.
2: I know. I hate these little annoying brats.
1: Yeah, I have a lot of other stuff I’d rather be ‘doing’ right now.
2: Mmm. I wouldn’t mind us on top of my desk right now.
1: God, you get me so hot, I saw you today wearing those tight black jeans. I could see you weren’t wearing underwear.
2: I really hope that Jon Conley doesn’t hack into the school network, download our ICQ history and show it to anyone.
TEN: Please note the asterisk at the end of John 3:16
***3=clerk on one side of table 1=customer walks up to counter holding movies*****
1: I’m returning these movies, but I have a complaint.
3: Oh, were they scratched?
1: No, they had homosexuals in them.
3: Um, well we can’t put a WARNING: HOMOSEXUALS sticker on the movies, it would be illegal.
1: Well, my religion doesn’t agree with homosexuality, but the problem is this movie had men kissing with their shirts off and this one you could hear women having sex. These are rated PG. That’s not suitable for children.
3: They’re rated R.
1: Fine. I’ll write a letter to the companies. ******LEAVE STAGE********
3: Let’s see…. Sheila McArthur1502 5th street. Shheeeillllaa MacArthur.
SCENE 11: AND WE MISSED IT!!!!
*** 2/3 standing close having a conversation. 1=offstage until phone call*****
3: Do you know what time it is?
2: No, call time and temp and find out.
3: Time and temp is a bank number with a recorded short ad, followed by the time, temperature and weather.
3: Okay, *****Dial phone******
1: Hi, this is Rachel with Le Mars Bank and Trust, don’t forget to stop by the bank on Saturday for a free dinner, you will also be able to meet Bob Saget between noon and 3PM. Le Mars Bank and Trust Time is 3:01 PM…..