Doomed To Fail
Brandon Salinas
NARRATOR stands on a bare stage. In his hand are two scripts. They look a little like this script, but with one small difference. All stage directions are replaced with two words: STAGE DIRECTIONS.
The NARRATOR calls for two intrepid volunteers. One male, one female. The lights blind him, so he can’t see all the enthusiastic hands popping up all about the theater (that’s with an "er," mind you). So someone has to pick his volunteers for him.
MAN and WOMAN bound on stage with no idea what they are in for next. NARRATOR hands each of them a script. Now keep in mind that MAN and WOMAN don’t get to read the stage directions. All they see are a bunch of lines broken up by the periodic "STAGE DIRECTIONS" phrase.
NARRATOR takes his seat in the audience where he picks up the EXACT script that you are reading now. Starting with the paragraph after this one, he shouts the stage directions to the volunteers. Preferably through a bullhorn. But those fucking things cost like a hundred bucks or something, so a rolled up tube of paper is fine as well.
MAN and WOMAN stand on stage. MAN faces the audience. WOMAN sits. She takes her shoes off. And then she puts them back on again. Oh, and the MAN is not wearing a shirt.
Just kidding.
WOMAN
I hate these shoes.
MAN
You hate all shoes.
WOMAN
That’s not true. I like your shoes.
MAN sniffs his armpit. WOMAN picks her nose.
MAN
I went to see a play last night.
WOMAN
Any good?
MAN
It was one of those staged reading things. I hate staged readings. There’s nothing worse than seeing two actors on stage reading from a script.
WOMAN
I agree.
WOMAN stands. She does jumping jacks.
WOMAN
Nothing worse.
MAN does the cabbage patch.
MAN
You ever get the feeling that everything we do is guided by fate?
WOMAN
You mean like we’re just nothing but puppets? Our actions and even our thoughts pre-ordained by some sort of sick, megalomaniacal puppet master?
MAN does the Funky Chicken.
MAN
Exactly. It’s as if nothing we do or say really matters. Like the hand of God just guides us on our way. And all we can do is sit back and watch as our lives pass us by.
WOMAN lies down on her back.
WOMAN
I like to think that really it’s just that events were set in motion a long time ago, with one outcome more of a probability than others, but with some sort —
WOMAN kicks her legs in the air all bicycle style and shit. Yo.
WOMAN
- of possibility of change. I mean, if you go through life thinking you’re just a cog in the machine —
MAN bends over, ass to the audience.
WOMAN
- what use is there in living at all?
WOMAN stands up and grabs paddle.
MAN
And that’s what I’m saying. It’s like more and more lately, I’ve just felt out of control.
WOMAN smacks MAN in the butt one time.
MAN
I just wish I could grab hold of my life again.
WOMAN smacks MAN in the butt one more time. MAN stands, turns to the audience. He screams.
He keeps screaming. WOMAN joins him in screaming.
No. They keep screaming.
I didn’t say to stop.
Okay. Now they stop screaming.
WOMAN
Hey, did you hear the one about the magician, the rat, and the white rapper?
MAN
No, but damn. All I can say is I love sucking cock. Shit!
WOMAN
Hallelujah, brother. Hallelujah.
Lights go down.
The audience applauds.
"Doomed To Fail" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Doomed To Fail" debuted August 16, 2002, performed by Brandon Salinas and two audience volunteers (Bonnie Arnold and David Huskey).
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