- April 25, 2003 - No Shame Iowa City
"Gay Einstein and FDR in…
Oval Orifice Hijinks"
Written by Paul Rust and Chris Stangl
LIGHTS UP, PUTZ!
"Merry-Go-Round Broke Down" plays. Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Gay Albert Einstein sit at a table.
FDR: Gay Einstein!
EINSTEIN: What?!
FDR: The equation! Is it finished?
EINSTEIN: Yes! It’s E…
FDR: Yes?
EINSTEIN: … equals…
FDR: Yes? Yes?
EINSTEIN: MC…
FDR: Spit it out, man.
EINSTEIN: E=MC Cock!
FDR: Grrrr! I’m asking you for the last time, Gay Einstein: Did you bring me something special today?! (Einstein stands up, brings down his pants’ fly) No, no, no, you maroon! (Einstein sits back down) I wanted a weapon of mass destruction to defeat our Axis powers! (Einstein stands back up, brings down his pants’ fly again) Is that all you ever think about? (Einstein zips pants up, puts finger to chin, waits a beat, brings zipper back down) There’s a war on, you egg-headed sissy!
EINSTEIN: Touchy, touchy, President Grouch.
FDR: President Grou--- why I oughta! It’s pronounced Roosafelt! Goo! Now he’s got me doing it! It’s President Roosevelt. Not Theodore, but Franklin. You know, Gay Einstein, you didn’t give me all this banana oil when we needed that helicopter that ran on Boner-Power.
EINSTEIN: I write what I know!
FDR: Or that big, pink zeppelin with a decal of a male body-builder air-brushed on the side!
EINSTEIN: Tonight, I’ll be lonely no more!
FDR: Or those rubber jock-straps that the soldiers wear to make their nut-sacs look twice as big!
EINSTEIN: The bigger the saccer, the saltier the cracker.
FDR: You were on a roll, Gay Einstein… (FDR picks up his useless foot)… do I need to stick this polio-riddled foot up your semen-encrusted rumpus to get this Atom Bomb made?! How else are we gonna’ zap those Japs?!
EINSTEIN: I gave you an Atom Bomb last week!
FDR: Yes, Gay Einstein, we had the Forestry Department cut down half of the rubber tree forests for your so-called "Atom bomb" and all you delivered us was a 3-ton butt-plug!
EINSTEIN: I rolled it down the hall of the White House to your oval office and this is the thanks I get!
FDR: You rolled it over Mrs. Roosevelt!
EINSTEIN: Better I rolled over Mrs. Roosevelt than Joan Crawford and Ginger Rogers in a gooey dyke three-way!
FDR: What’d you say?!
EINSTEIN: They had the crotch of their panties cut out, so you could see their pussies.
FDR: What?!
EINSTEIN: Oh, nothing!
FDR: After the accident, Mrs. Roosevelt’s face was hideously mangled!
EINSTEIN: How could you tell?
FDR: Ohhhhh! Gay Einstein, I’ll give you one more chance to redeem yourself! Where, oh, where is that Atom Bomb you promised me?!
Einstein pats his clothes, looking for the
Atom Bomb.
EINSTEIN: Awww, schwitz. I left the Atom Bomb out in my pink zeppelin! Lemme’ go get it!
FDR: Ah, yes. Sure, sure. I know you can’t rush genius… (Einstein perks up) … but for you, Gay Einstein, I’ll make an exception!
EINSTEIN: Douche!
Einstein exits.
FDR: (lamenting) I sure do hope we get that Atom Bomb. Sure, Hitler was easy to defeat — under that swastika and sexy moustache was a pair of doughy and pasty Teutonic man-boobs. But these Japanese are feistier than a hive of Saki-crazed cockroaches!
Einstein re-enters, holding something
behind his back.
EINSTEIN: I’m ba-ck!
FDR: With an atom bomb I pray!
EINSTEIN: Are you ready?!
FDR: Yes! Yes! (greedily holding out hands) I’m holding it in my hands, aren’t I?!
EINSTEIN: Are you reaaaady?!
FDR: Yes! Give it to me!
EINSTEIN: Alright! You asked for it!
Einstein starts to pull the item out from
behind his back.
FDR: Oh, no! A pie! You’ve burned me before! (Einstein pulls out a pink vinyl record)
Oh. I see. Well, lemme take a gander. (FDR takes the pink vinyl record and reads the title aloud) It says here… "Judy Garland: Live in San Francisco?!"
Einstein gets mooney.
EINSTEIN: "The Trolley Song"’s my favorite! (singing) Bang, bang, bang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings! As we started for Heiniken Dell!
All the while, FDR’s getting’ frustrated…
FDR: Gay Einstein. (angrier) Gay Einstein. (even angrier) Gay Einstein! (rant!) Gay Einstein, stop singing "The Trolley Song" and pay attention to me!
Gay Einstein goes silent.
EINSTEIN: (quietly singing) Bang, bang, bang went the trolley…
FDR: Gay Einstein!
EINSTEIN: Sorry, boss.
FDR: How is this going to vaporize any yellow children if I drop it on Hiroshima?
EINSTEIN: Some questions are better left unanswered, President Rooslefoot. Such as: "Why does Mrs. Roosevelt’s clit smell like Joan Crawford’s tongue?"
FDR: What’d you say, you brainiac cream-puff?!
EINSTEIN: (pointing off-stage) Huh?! What?! What’s that over there?! A cure for polio?!
FDR: (looking off-stage hopefully) Ooo! Ooo! Where?! (Einstein hides under table)
That’s not a cure for polio! That’s Arlen growing his victory garden!
Arlen stands up in audience and shrugs.
FDR: Grow me a big basket of seedless tomaters, Arlen! That a boy!
ARLEN: All I planted is opium.
FDR: The war effort starts at home, Arlen. (beat) Gay Einstein! Gay Einstein, where are you?!
EINSTEIN: Certainly not under the table, President Rimple-thorpe.
FDR: Well, that’s good that you’re not under the table… goosh! Gash! Geep! Gay Einstein, I want you out from under that table this instant! It is a historical artifact! Thomas Jefferson titty-fucked 10 slave-girls on this desk and I won’t have you desecrate it with your Tom-Foolery!
EINSTEIN: I’s just ticklin’ your toes, President. (pause) Can’t you feel it? Why ain’t you laughin’?
FDR: (poorly lying) Oh… uh… I wore, uh, really thick socks today. Besides, I’m a laughin’-on-the-inside sort of clown. Now get out from under there! On the double!
EINSTEIN: Yes, sir. (Einstein gets out from under the table) You’re right, sir. You’re absolutely right. We really need to get down to business. You know I wouldn’t leave you with your sac hanging out.
FDR: You did it when we went camping.
EINSTEIN: And at the pool party.
FDR: And the Ice Cream Social.
EINSTEIN: (reminiscing) You had Rocky Road ice cream all over your nut-sac.
FDR: That was the White House Easter Egg Hunt and you know it!
EINSTEIN: Geeze, square, do you wanna’ hear this bomb plan or not?
FDR: (rubbing hands) Oh, I do! I do!
EINSTEIN: Well, first off, I’ll need to stand on a table.
FDR: Right here! Right here!
Einstein stands on top of the table.
EINSTEIN: Next, I’ll need you to close your eyes!
FDR: Consider it done!
EINSTEIN: Now, you need to stick out your lips like you’re gonna’ kiss my butt!
Einstein sticks out his butt.
FDR: Agreed!
FDR kisses it. Einstein farts.
FDR: Have we won the war yet?
EINSTEIN: Uh, not yet!
Einstein keeps farting.
FDR: Well, let me know when it’s over! This Atom Bomb sure does stink! What’s it made of?
EINSTEIN: Well, lemme think! I had a roast beef sandwich for lunch today!
FDR: Ah, the Pacific Theatre will be ours in no time!
EINSTEIN: And I had a basket of French Fries.
FDR: Mustard?
EINSTEIN: Yes, mustard, too. And three Space-a-Colas!
FDR: I almost want to open my eyes to see how this Atom Bomb works, but I dare not!
EINSTEIN: Right! Right! It’s a good thing you don’t! But I can assure you… it’s a butt-iful sight!
FDR: Butt-iful?! Butt-iful?! (pause) Yes, I bet it is very butt-iful. (pause) Now to open my eyes to the beautiful sight of charred bodies! (opens eyes) Hey, where’s the ---?! Gay Einstein!
EINSTEIN: You said it! I didn’t!
FDR: I’ll murderalize you!
EINSTEIN: If you wanna’ catch me, you’ll have to come and get me, old timer!
FDR starts rolling his wheelchair’s
imaginary wheels. Then, looks down.
FDR: Consarnit! Somebody stole the wheels off my wheelchair! Now, it’s just a chair! But I’ll get you yet! I didn’t drown 20 women in a river during the war just so I could be made a fool of by a Gay Einstein!
FDR lunges at Einstein, but Einstein jumps
off the table. FDR falls on the floor.
Einstein runs around FDR who is crawling on the floor, dragging his useless legs.
FDR: Stay on task, you swishy Honor Student! You faggy Stephen Hawking! You pansified Mensa member!
EINSTEIN: You’re all talk, but no walk!
FDR pulls out a knife.
FDR: I’m gonna’ gut you from throat to crotch!
FDR pulls out a knife, holds it in his teeth.
He crawls on his belly, chasing Einstein.
Eleanor Roosevelt (played by funny Michael
Tabor) enters. He speaks in his Michael
Tabor voice.
ELEANOR: What are you boys doing?
EINSTEIN and FDR (together): Mrs. Roosevelt!
ELEANOR: You two were so loud that I could hear you down the corridor! Joan Crawford was so scared that she almost fell off my face!
FDR: What’d you say?!
ELEANOR and EINSTEIN (together): Oh, nothing!
FDR: You’re so pretty.
EINSTEIN: Geeze, why’d you call an atomic scientist when you need an optometrist?!
FDR: Huh?!
EINSTEIN: And a plastic surgeon!
ELEANOR: Wha?!
EINSTEIN: And Clark Gable in a maid’s outfit!
ELEANOR and FDR (together): What?!
EINSTEIN: To do my dishes, of course!
FDR: Clark Gable was our maid and he broke every plate!
ELEANOR: That’s how this whole war started!
EINSTEIN: All men are like parking spots. All the good ones are either taken or handicapped.
FDR: (introducing them) Eleanor, Gay Einstein. Gay Einstein, Eleanor.
EINSTEIN: Didn’t we meet at the parade last year?
ELEANOR: Ah, yes. Franklin had Rocky Road ice cream all over his nut sac.
FDR: Easter Egg Hunt! Easter Egg Hunt! (beat) Now, if you’ll excuse us, we got an Atom Bomb to make!
EINSTEIN: (snottily towards Eleanor) Yeah!
FDR: So scram!
EINSTEIN: Dames! Fooey!
ELEANOR: Well, I know when I’m not cunted — er, I mean, vagina-ed. I mean, Franklin, you shouldn’t be working on that atom bomb, you should really be working on your erectile dysfunction.
FDR: (embarrassed) Not around, Gay Einstein.
EINSTEIN: Don’t worry, President Dork, I know what the problem is. (Einstein walks over to Eleanor) Your old lady’s got an "ugly problem" here (points to her face) and a "licker problem" here. (points to her twat) You should use some of this A-bomb money to buy a better-looking wife.
FDR: All this time I thought I couldn’t get an erection because I was paralyzed from the waist down, but all the while, it was because my wife was a horse-faced dyke.
ELEANOR: (cheerfully) Boys will be boys!
Eleanor totally exits stage-right. On her
way out, she runs into ALFONSO
CANTABERA, the Cuban diplomat.
Meanwhile, FDR crawls up into his chair.
ELEANOR: Oh, hello, Alfonso Cantabera, the Cuban diplomat. How are you today?
ALFONSO: You are ugly.
ELEANOR: Good night!
Eleanor exits.
FDR: Alfonso, you lusty Cuban. What do you have for me today? There’s a war going on, can’t you see that? So, please, make your comments succinct and direct as possible. Brief and to-the-point is the order of the day. Ah, yes. Brief and to-the-point. There is a war going on, after all, which I think is important enough to repeat twice.Meh, meh, meh.
ALFONSO: Yes, sir, I’ll be as quick as possible.
FDR: Enough already, Alfonso! Can’t you see we’re working here?!
ALFONSO: Sir, I just want ---
FDR: I just want you to shut up!
ALFONSO: Please, I need you to initial things that have exploded off in the war.
FDR: Mmm. With delight.
FDR grabs the papers from Alfonso’s hand
and begins initialing the papers.
ALFONSO: (politely, warmly) Why, hello, Gay Einstein.
EINSTEIN: (super-shy) Hi, Alfonso.
ALFONSO: What are you doing here?
EINSTEIN: (giggling) Nothing.
ALFONSO: What’s with these blueprints? Are you helping to build a bomb?
EINSTEIN: Oh, no. That sort of stuff positively bores me.
FDR: (looking up from papers) Einstein? What are you talking about? You love this stuff.
EINSTEIN: (nervously glancing at Alfonso) Huh? No, I don’t.
FDR: Oh, you’re just being modest. Really, Alfonso, this guy’s a genius!
EINSTEIN: No, honestly. I don’t understand any of this stuff! I just let the boys talk and it’s cool to be around the President and stuff.
FDR: Einstein, come on, you’re brilliant!
EINSTEIN: (whispering to FDR) Shut up, FDR.
FDR: (whispering to Einstein) Gay Einstein, everybody sees what you’re doing. Just be yourself.
EINSTEIN: (whispering to FDR) Alfonso doesn’t know what I’m doing.
ALFONSO: No, it’s quite obvious, Gay Einstein. You have a crush on me and you’re trying to look dumb, so I won’t be threatened by your intelligence. Just act natural.
EINSTEIN: Okay. (pause) Do you, Alfonso, want to… do you want to come over some time and eat a big bowl of corn chips and watch "Falcon Crest?"
ALFONSO: (sooo earnestly) I think that’d be very nice, Gay Einstein.
EINSTEIN: I’m looking forward to it.
ALFONSO: Bye-bye.
Alfonso takes the papers and exits. Einstein
and FDR look at each other warmly. They
high-five.
EINSTEIN: Awww! I was so nervous!
FDR: You did fine, you did fine!
EINSTEIN: That Alfonso.
FDR: I know, I know. (beat) So, you’re gay, Gay Einstein?
EINSTEIN: Yep.
FDR: That’s cool.
EINSTEIN: And so… you’re crawling on the floor earlier… you’re crippled?
FDR: Yeah.
EINSTEIN: (accepting) Cool. (beat) You know, I think I’m ready to buckle down and figure out this bomb.
FDR: Me, too.
EINSTEIN: Now, I have this idea. There’s four steps you need to know. They’re pretty simple, but they’re a lot of fun. First… you roll it. (rolls an imaginary doobie) Then you blaze it. (lights an imaginary doobie) Then you smoke it. (tokes an imaginary doobie) Then you get real high. (raises an imaginary roof)
FDR: Let me get this straight: (goes through motions) First, I roll it? Then, I blaze it. Then, I smoke it. Then, I get real high?
EINSTEIN: You got it.
Einstein and FDR go through the steps —
repeatedly. They are said in a rhythmic
fashion. Gradually, the imaginary doobies
get bigger and bigger.
Einstein and FDR welcome the entire cast
(Arlen, Eleanor, Alfonso) back onstage.
They go through the motions as well.
Characters invite audience members to
come onstage and join in.
Everybody gets real high… on imaginary
doobies.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Library]
