copyright © 2003 Paul Rust / Chris Stangl

"Two Guys Try to Do a Piece About Black History Month,

But Aprille Keeps Interrupting Them"

By Paul Rust and Chris Stangl

LIGHTS UP.

APRILLE stands stage right.

APRILLE

Good evening. I’m Aprille Clarke. Seventy-seven years ago, Dr. Carter G. Woodson, an African-American scholar, launched Negro History Week as an initiative to bring national attention to the contributions of black people throughout American history. Unfortunately, in 1926, on the day of implementation, children across the country opened their history books… (lift up picture of "Frederick Douglass" - a jolly, white man) No one had bothered to record Negro history. So Woodson ordered new text books to represent this Negro history. Seventy-seven years later… those books still have not yet arrived. (dramatic pause) Tonight, those books will arrive.

As you maybe aware, this very week is Negro History Week. In fact, this month has four of them. Over the intervening years, they’ve come up with so many great black people that they decided one week wasn’t enough… but a month would do.

To celebrate the unique and "colorful" heritage during this special month, two talented, young writers Chris Stangl and Paul Rust have created a No Shame tribute to give a true representation of the contemporary African-American experience.

Ladies and gentlemen… we bring you Black History Month.

Enter Paul and Chris in blackface. They

are lifting their heads to the sky, proud and

inspired. Magic Organ’s "Alley Cat" plays

on a portable stereo in Paul’s hand.

A disgusted hush falls over the audience.

Paul shuts off music.

PAUL

Hey, Chris, do you want to go the boat show with me?

CHRIS

Oh, I do, I do, but I have a lot of work this weekend. The big case is Monday morning. I got briefs to go over and ---

APRILLE

(interrupting)

Oh, my God. What… is… the matter with you?

Paul and Chris are stupefied. Silence.

PAUL

… We’re honoring Black History Month, Aprille?

CHRIS

It’s the last day of February. It’s our last chance to honor… Black History Month, Aprille.

APRILLE

This is so wrong.

CHRIS

It’s wrong to present an African American as a highly-paid, well-respected lawyer?

APRILLE

But you guys are in blackface.

Paul and Chris are embarrassed, ashamed.

CHRIS

Uh… we know.

PAUL

We’re not proud of that. But we had to.

CHRIS

We wrote this really respectful scene to truly represent the contemporary African-American experience. And we had every intention to have black actors play the characters.

PAUL

But there aren’t any at No Shame.

CHRIS

And we don’t have any black friends.

PAUL

And there aren’t any at No Shame.

APRILLE

It doesn’t matter. You can make the characters white or you cannot do the piece. There’s no way that this can be funny.

PAUL

But we’re not trying to be funny.

 

CHRIS

(miffed)

This scene is trying to portray how difficult it is to maintain a successful profession and a happy family life for the contemporary African-American.

PAUL

African-Americans aren’t just basketball players and entertainers, Aprille. They’re not just people on your t.v. They’re hard-working people who have to struggle in a discriminatory society. And we wanted to present that to the No Shame audience who is… yes, predominantly white.

CHRIS

Have you ever been a black man trying to get a job, Aprille?

APRILLE

No.

CHRIS

Then maybe you should be the one who pays the most attention.

Pause.

APRILLE

Go ahead.

Paul and Chris resume their scene.

PAUL

So, Chris, tell me again… what were you planning to do this weekend?

CHRIS

Well, Paul, after I’m done looking over my case file, I need to pick the kids up at soccer and then I have tickets for the Tracy Chapman concert.

APRILLE

Fuckin’ stop it!

PAUL

What?!

APRILLE

How are these characters black?

Chris points confusedly at his own blackface.

APRILLE

They’re not immersed in black culture, they’re not struggling with discrimination, they don’t sound black ---

PAUL

What’s a black man sound like, Aprille?

CHRIS

Because we don’t know! We’re colorblind… in our ears.

PAUL

I don’t know about you, but for us… multi-diversity is recognizing that we’re all the same and there’s absolutely no difference between races whatsoever.

APRILLE

You guys could have made the characters white. You didn’t have to keep them black. This is disgusting. (beat) You know what? You can do this, but I’m not going to be a part of it. (begins returning to her seat, addresses the audience) And I think that one of you should write a letter to the Daily Iowan, complaining about this garbage.

Paul and Chris inhale in fear.

PAUL

(pulling her arm, bringing her back onstage)

Aprille, Aprille, Aprille… I think we’re just confused as to what progressive, liberal writers can do about issues of representation. And since you’re obviously the most Daniel Stern of us No Shame writers, maybe you can mediate?

APRILLE

(reluctantly)

Alright.

Aprille comes back onstage. Chris pulls

Paul to the side for a private conversation.

CHRIS

(whispering)

I think… she wants us to make this… blacker.

PAUL

Let’s go to work!

Paul and Chris spring into action. Paul

turns on "Alley Cat." They begin dancing.

Aprille lowers her face in her hands,

ashamed.

CHRIS

I lost my lawyer job because I drank too much malt liquor and threw a biscuit at the judge!

PAUL

Dy-no-mite!

CHRIS

After I pick up my kids at soccer, I drop ‘em off at the pool!

PAUL

Dy-no-mite!

CHRIS

I stole my own car radio out of my minivan, so I could listen to Tracy Chapman!

APRILLE

(interrupting)

Stop it! I didn’t want this! Nobody wants this!

CHRIS

I’m gonna’ use all my welfare stamps to buy watermelons!

PAUL

Dy-no-mite!

CHRIS

I’m a Blood and a Crypt!

PAUL

Dy-no-good night!

CHRIS

My favorite book is "Cujo!"

PAUL

Dy-no-dog bite!

Chris begins chasing Paul around the stage.

CHRIS

Come back here, Brer Rabbit!

PAUL

Oh, Brer Fox!

Chris and Paul repeat this — many times.

Eventually, Chris grabs Aprille and slaps

the jolly, white "Frederick Douglass"

picture onto her.

CHRIS

(aside) This "Tar baby" oughta’ catch that Brer Rabbit! (to Paul) Brer Rabby! This grumpy Tar Babby is scowlin’ at you!

PAUL

I want to punch it! I want to punch it!

Paul inexplicably attacks Aprille/Tar

Baby/Tar Babby/jolly, white "Frederick Douglass."

APRILLE

Why is he doing this?! Why does he keep yelling, "I want to punch it?!" Why is he punching me?!

CHRIS

Hey, wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! Now that Tar Babby’s scowlin’ at me! I’ll fix yer li’l, red wagon!

Chris joins Paul in inexplicably attacking

Aprille/Tar Baby/Tar Babby/jolly, white

"Frederick Douglass."

Slowly, but surely… Chris and Paul fall

apart — clawing at Aprille, getting tired,

sobbing.

CHRIS

(sobbing)

All we wanted to do was present an authentic folktale of the Deep South!

PAUL

(sobbing)

As rich and potent and dark as a molasses sandwich!

CHRIS and PAUL

All we wanted to do was show that we like black people. We like black people!

Chris and Paul cover their faces to cry…

and their hands stick to their face.

APRILLE

(maternal, moral-of-the-story-ish)

You may like black people, but you got all gummed up - just like that ornery Brer Rabbit… and his ornery Tar Baby. (Aprille sits down, Chris and Paul cuddle beside her) You know, guys, we had a Civil Rights Movement, so we wouldn’t have to think about how we felt about black people. The major achievement was white people learning how to put up with blacks.

Chris and Paul cry quietly in their hands.

APRILLE

What’s the matter, you two? Why are you still crying?

CHRIS

We want to punch you…

CHRIS and PAUL

… but our hands are stuck to our face.

LIGHTS DOWN.

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

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