- April 25, 2003 - No Shame Iowa City
Written by Paul Rust
CHRIS and PAUL stand upstage left — with
their backs against the curtain. Their legs
are spread evenly apart with one thumb hanging on a belt loop. They’re standing
like security guards — probably because…
PAUL: Geeze, Chris, it sure is great that we got these jobs as security guards at the local mall this summer, eh?
CHRIS: Tell me about it, Paul. Awesome pay. Awesome hours.
PAUL: All the Sbarro’s Pizza we can eat.
CHRIS: All the Sbarro’s Pizza was can pay for, you mean.
PAUL: Yes, all the Sbarro’s Pizza was can pay for. (beat) But all the soda-pop we can drink.
CHRIS: And pay for.
PAUL: Yes, and pay for. (pause) I know! How about we get some soda-pop right now? (starts exiting, points at Chris) Welch’s Cherry for you, am I right, my man?
CHRIS: Actually, Paul, I got a better idea. Let’s go to that photo booth across from Ben Franklin and take pictures of our buttholes.
PAUL: (seriously) Chris, you’ve just committed a "436." (instantly ecstatic) A totally awesome idea!
Chris and Paul high-five, begin to exit stage
left. They are halted by MR. BRIMALEY, their angry boss, who enters stage-right.
BRIMALEY: (super-angrily!) Stan-gl! Ru-st!
Chris and Paul stop dead in their tracks.
CHRIS and PAUL (together): Mr. Brimaley!
BRIMALEY: And just where in the blazes do you think you’re going? (pause, Chris and Paul look panicked) Tell me!
CHRIS: To the bathroom.
(simultaneously)
PAUL: To the phone booth.
Chris and Paul look at each other, then back
at Mr. Brimaley.
CHRIS: To the phone booth.
(simultaneously)
PAUL: To the bathroom.
Chris and Paul look at each other, nod
satisfactorily, then look back at Mr.
Brimaley.
CHRIS and PAUL: (together, cheerfully): To Mount Rushmore.
BRIMALEY: Grrrr! You two are a couple of the most reckless, unorthodox, and craaaazy mall security guards I’ve ever had here at the Oakview Shopping Center! And I’d fire you in an instant… if you didn’t happen to be my wife’s adopted nephews!
CHRIS: Dem’s da’ shits, Mr. Brimaley!
BRIMALEY: Grrrr! Stangl! I want to talk to you. Rust, you wait here.
Chris and Mr. Brimaley exit stage-right.
3 SNOTTY BRATS enter stage-left and
come down to down stage-right.
SNOTTY BRAT #1: This mall sucks!
SNOTYY BRAT #2: Tell me about it! Let’s kick things!
SNOTTY BRAT #3: And smash stuff!
SNOTTY BRAT #1: And dump soda-pop on the mayor’s kids!
SNOTTY BRAT #1,#2,#3: (together) Let’s be generally disrespectful!
The 3 Snotty Brats cheer. Paul walks up
to them. Even though he speaks, they
ignore him and continue to talk loudly.
PAUL: Hey, kids. Could you maybe… could you maybe keep it down? Excuse me. Could you maybe keep it down, kids?
SNOTTY BRAT #1: (laughing derisively) Are you talking to us?
The kids finally quiet down.
SNOTTY BRAT #2: Yeah, man, are you talking to us?
PAUL: Well, I was just saying… I-I-I was just saying…
SNOTTY BRAT #3: (mocking Paul’s stammering) Y-y-y-you were just s-s-s-saying…
The 3 Snotty Brats laugh. Paul joins in,
trying to seem at ease.
PAUL: (laughing weakly) Okay, okay. But seriously, dudes, you need to keep it down. Just use your indoor voices. Your six-inch voices, alright?
SNOTTY BRAT #1: Why?
PAUL: Because you shouldn’t be loud.
SNOTTY BRAT #1: Why?
PAUL: Because it’s disruptive to others.
SNOTTY BRAT #1: Why?
PAUL: Because it’s loud and… you guys… you guys just really need to keep it down, okay? Please, help me out here.
SNOTTY BRAT #2: What if we don’t?
PAUL: Then I’d have to… I’d have to ask you to leave.
SNOTTY BRAT #3: What if we don’t?
PAUL: Then I’d have to… I-I-I’d have to escort you out.
SNOTTY BRAT #1: And what if we just stood outside the front doors and were loud there?
PAUL: Then I’d have to… I’d, uh… I’d call the police.
SNOTTY BRAT #2: You would, would you?
PAUL: Yeah, I’d call the police.
SNOTTY BRAT #3: Uh-huh. And what if they don’t come?
PAUL: Then I’d call… I’d call… (quietly) I’d call the Fire Department?
SNOTTY BRAT #1: Really? You’d call the… (yelling)… Fire Department?!
PAUL: Guys, don’t. Please keep it down.
SNOTTY BRAT #2: Yeah. You’d call the… (yelling)… Fire Department?!
PAUL: Come on, guys, let’s be cool.
SNOTTY BRAT #3: (yelling) The Fire Department! The Fire Department!
SNOTTY BRAT #1, #2, #3: (yelling) The Fire Department! The Fire Department! The Fire Department!
PAUL: (suddenly loud and angry) All of you need to shut your fucking mouths!
The 3 Snotty Brats quickly shut up.
They hold a beat. Then simultaneously
burst into laughter. Paul did not scare
them at all.
They continue laughing and mocking Paul
until Chris re-enters from stage-right and
walks up beside Paul.
CHRIS: (sternly) Listen. You boys leave this mall now or I will take you to the mall’s security room and call each of your parents.
The 3 Snotty Brats go quiet. And sullenly
exit stage-left, muttering under their breath.
Paul and Chris are quiet for a moment.
PAUL: Thanks, Chris.
CHRIS: No problem, Paul. We all get into rough spots like that.
PAUL: Yeah, but I get into them everyday. (pause) With the same kids.
Chris begins returning to their original
spot — upstage left against the curtains.
CHRIS: Don’t worry about it.
Paul follows Chris up to their original spot.
PAUL: Geeze, Chris, I’m sure glad you were here to help me out.
CHRIS: Yeah.
PAUL: I don’t know what I’d do without you.
CHRIS: Uh-huh.
PAUL: Gosh, I can’t imagine what it’d be like without you here. I’d be so unhappy.
CHRIS: (pause) Well, Paul, I got something to tell you…
PAUL: Okay.
CHRIS: I’m… I’m leaving the Oakview Shopping Center.
PAUL: What? You are? Why? Did Mr. Brimaley fire you? He can’t! We’re his wife’s adopted nephews!
CHRIS: No, Paul, he actually gave me a promotion.
PAUL: A promotion? I don’t ---
CHRIS: Mr. Brimaley is in charge of security out at that new mall. What’s it called? The Omni-Metro Center?
PAUL: Yeah. We used to call it "The Omni-Suck Center."
CHRIS: (laughs wistfully) Yeah. Omni-Suck Center. Well… Mr. Brimaley needs somebody to be senior supervisor of their security guard staff out there and well…
PAUL: He asked you.
CHRIS: Yeah. He asked me.
PAUL: But why? He said we were a couple of the most reckless, unorthodox, and craaaazy security guards he’s ever seen?
CHRIS: Sure, Paul, my methods maybe unorthodox, but they need that sort of "crazy like a fox" behavior over at the Omni-Metro Center.
PAUL: I suppose so. When do you start?
CHRIS: I start tomorrow.
PAUL: Mmpf. This sucks. I don’t like this. This sucks. Why can’t you stay here at the Oakview Shopping Center? Why can’t you tell Mr. Brimaley, "No?"
CHRIS: I suppose I could, but… Paul, have you seen that Omni-Metro Center? They’ve got over 300 stores. And six escalators! And all the Sbarro’s Pizza you can eat.
PAUL: That you can pay for, you mean.
CHRIS: No… that you can eat.
PAUL: (genuinely impressed) Wow.
CHRIS: Yeah… wow. It’s gonna’ be great.
PAUL: Well, I guess if it’s going to be better out there…
CHRIS: It will.
PAUL: And you’re going to be happier…
CHRIS: I will.
PAUL: (pause) But Chris, things are gonna’ suck here at the Oakview Shopping Center without you. Sure, there’s Aprille at Orange Julius and Jamal at Hot Topic, but… it won’t be the same. (pause) I’m gonna’ miss you. Geeze. You were always like a father to me, Chris.
CHRIS: Really? You looked up to me that much?
PAUL: Oh, no. You were like a father because most of the time that I knew you, you scared the shit out of me and it wasn’t until recently that I saw you as a friend.
CHRIS: Oh.
PAUL: And also because… yes, I really looked up to you. I could explain it, but it’d just sound stupid. Just know that… just know that whatever I did at No Shame, I did it because… I wanted you to be my friend.
Chris nods.
CHRIS: Wait a minute. No Shame?
PAUL: Yeah. No Shame Theatre?
CHRIS: What’s that?
PAUL: Oh, it was that thing we used to do. Before we came to work here at the mall. You quit it a couple months ago, remember? We had that last night where everybody cried and said goodbye to you.
CHRIS: Oh, yeah. I remember. No Shame. What a dumb name.
PAUL: Yeah.
CHRIS: Well, you know, Paul, it’s funny that you say I was like your father… because what I never told you is… I am your father.
PAUL: Really? How?
CHRIS: Eh, it’s a long story. I’ll explain it in an email or something.
PAUL: Okay.
CHRIS: But you can be rest assured that I’ll send you a birthday card every year.
PAUL: Thanks, dad.
CHRIS: (looks at watch) Shit. I better get going. I’m supposed to get fitted for my new Senior Supervisor outfit. I hear it has a canary sewed to the right shoulder. (pause) Goodbye, son.
PAUL: Bye, dad. (Chris begins to exit) Hey, dad…
CHRIS: Yes?
PAUL: Have you ever heard that thing about how a boy doesn’t truly become a man until he kills his father?
CHRIS: (pause) Did you hear that on the "Fight Club" commentary, Paul?
PAUL: (embarrassed) Yeah.
CHRIS: Are you going to kill me?
PAUL: I don’t know. Maybe metaphorically.
CHRIS: Okay. As long as I can’t feel it.
PAUL: You won’t.
CHRIS: Deal.
PAUL: Deal.
Chris waves goodbye and exits stage left.
Mr. Brimaley enters stage right.
BRIMALEY: Rust! Get back to work!
PAUL: Yes, sir, Mr. Brimaley. Sorry, Mr. Brimaley, sir. (pause) So… hey, Mr. Brimaley, I hear that Chris got promoted to somewhere else.
BRIMALEY: Yes. Yes, he has.
PAUL: That’s good. He deserves it. He’s a great guy. I think he’ll be happier at a different mall.
BRIMALEY: He’ll do fine.
Mr. Brimaley starts to exit.
PAUL: Uh, Mr. Brimaley?
BRIMALEY: (annoyed) What, Paul?
PAUL: I have to... I have to admit…
BRIMALEY: Spit it out, Rust.
PAUL: (pained) I have to admit that I’m surprised you gave Chris a promotion.
BRIMALEY: Oh?
PAUL: (nervously) I mean, he’s not that good of a security guard. H-h-h-he’s always goofing off. One time, he peed all over the baby clothes in target. And another time, he punched the lady at Runza. And once, he even called you a "douche twat."
BRIMALEY: Really? Hmmmm. (pause) Well, I guess Chris won’t be getting that promotion after all.
PAUL: (smiling) For serious?
BRIMALEY: Yes. For serious. In fact, I think I’m going to fire him altogether.
PAUL: No, no, no. You don’t have to do that, Mr. Brimaley. Just give his old job back. His old job with me.
BRIMALEY: (pause) Alright. He is my wife’s adopted nephew after all.
Mr. Brimaley begins to exit.
PAUL: Actually, Mr. Brimaley…
Mr. Brimaley turns to face Paul.
PAUL: … Fire him.
Mr. Brimaley nods and exits. Paul takes out a
disposable camera from his pocket.
PAUL: I’m gonna’ use this camera to take a picture of my butthole.
Paul pulls down his pants, points the camera at his
butthole, and takes a picture. BLACKOUT.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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