"X — Insert Your Favorite Title Here"

Written by Paul Rust

Paul:

Hello, everybody, before we start the show, I want you to do something for me. I want you to take a moment and think of something you’ve always wanted to see at No Shame, but never have. Or if you can’t do that, think of something that you saw at No Shame once and really loved, but never saw again or in your opinion, didn’t see enough of. Now, during the show, I want you to pass around this bucket and pen and paper (Paul shows items) and I want you to write down that thing on a sheet of paper, fold it up, and put it into the bucket. It can be anything. Just make sure that it’s possible to do onstage. You know, don’t put: "I want to see a leprechaun drive a dune buggy" or something like that. I want it to be something that I can do onstage tonight. Thanks. Enjoy the show.

Paul sits down. Show begins. Here’s the

Hey, everybody, you’re probably wondering why I asked you to write those things and put it in a bucket, huh? Well, the thing is… I realized that lately I’ve become something of a selfish writer and performer here at No Shame. Often times, I generate ideas by thinking, "What would I like to see at No Shame Theatre?" But I fail to question, "What would the audience like to see at No Shame Theatre?" Maybe that’s why attendance has been dropping. It’s high time that I consider what you want. I can’t be wrapped up in myself so much. But with this, maybe I can be what you want me to be. So, here goes…

Paul takes out a slip of paper, reads it

It’s funny. When I first started performing at No Shame, people seemed to really like me. The audience was really receptive of what I did and the performers seemed to enjoy what I was doing. But even then, I was worried about it going away. I guess I was comparing it to my relationships with other people. When I first meet people, they really like me, you know? I’m pretty charming and fun to be around. It’s like macaroni and cheese. You know, like when you make macaroni and cheese and you taste the first couple bites and you think it’s fucking awesome and you start thinking about how crazy you were for only making one box and how you’re going to make another one as soon as you’re done with this one. But then halfway through, it starts tasting kind of gross and by the last couple bites, you’re force-feeding yourself. That’s the way it gets with people I know. After knowing me for awhile, I start to get old and uninteresting and annoying. This seems to be especially true with the ladies. They find out that I’m not what they want me to be. (pause) How about another suggestion?

Paul takes out another slip of paper, reads it

Eventually, the No Shame audience’s interest in me waned. Other performers came and audiences liked them better. I’d get envious, of course. You know, I wish I had Jason Nebergall’s power to make an entire audience cheer and hoot and holler after a piece. Or I wish I had Jamal River’s power to be direct and clean simple in my message. Or I wish I had Arlen Lawson’s power to completely enrapture an entire audience… and make women fall in love with me through my writing, for that matter. Lords knows I’ve thought such things before. Sometimes I’ll like a girl and she’ll be out in the audience and I’ll actually think, "Hey, maybe if she sees me do a really great piece, that’ll make her like me." It doesn’t. Or maybe I haven’t been doing good enough pieces. (pause)

In fact, can all of you do me a favor? Can all the audience members who regularly attend No Shame please raise their hand? Now. Keep them up if I’m not your favorite performer at No Shame. (Paul walks up to an audience member with their hand up) Who is your favorite No Shame performer? (audience member says) What’s (PERSON THEY SAID) have that I don’t have? Because I want to know. I want to give that to you. (audience member says) Okay. I’m going work on that. I will. I’ll work on that.

Paul returns to the stage and takes out

(reading it aloud) It says here that the person wants to see me "run really fast onstage." Okay. (begins running back and forth onstage, speaks following while running) Alright. I know this piece sucks. I know that. Nobody likes to see somebody pandering. All that happens is you get a bunch of shit that other people could do much, much better. I know that in the end, I would be better off, being myself. And I should just take comfort in the fact that there’s probably somebody out there who will like me for who I am. But more and more, I’m finding that less true. (runs out of breath, collapses onstage)

(lying onstage) I got this friend. This friend of mine is a girl who I pursued romantically from the months of August to December. I cared for her very much. I told her that I wanted to share something beautiful with her. She wasn’t interested. She said she didn’t feel anything for me. Last week, at Perkin’s, she told me that a close friend of mine had feelings for her. And she, in turn, had feelings for him. I was hurt. Maybe if I had Stangl’s writing ability, I could tell you how much it hurt. (pause) All I know is that as I stared down at the table at Perkin’s, feeling hurt and ashamed, I wondered what the other guy had that I didn’t. What made her like him and not me? All I wanted to ask her, "What can I do to make you love me? What can I do to make her love me? (look out to audience) What can I do to make you love me?"

BLACKOUT. THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

• April 18, 2003 - No Shame Iowa City
  

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