- April 11, 2003 - No Shame Iowa City
"Tonight, You — You! — Are the Stars!"
Written by Paul Rust
LIGHTS UP. Paul Rust (me!) enters from
the audience. He is holding a large stack
of papers.
Paul:
Hello, everyone. At precisely 12 a.m., I turned 22 years old today. Yes, today is my birthday. Now, I considered writing a piece to perform for you tonight, but then I realized… hey, it’s my birthday. You should do something for me. After all, I do pieces for you week in and week out. It’s about time you carry your own weight.
So, I wrote a piece for all of you to perform… for me. You can consider it your birthday present. So, will all of you please come down onstage now?
Ideally, the entire No Shame Theatre
audience gets out of their seats and comes
down onstage. Paul hands a script to each
person.
Alright, everybody, sit down onstage. When it’s time for you to say your highlighted line, stand up very quickly and say it. And then you can just keep standing. Don’t stand, however, during the "All" lines. Just keep sitting. The rest of the stage directions are listed. Do as they say. I’ll be out in the audience watching.
And remember: you’re doing this piece for me and my birthday, so make it good.
Paul takes a seat in the middle of the empty
auditorium.
Everybody ready? And… go!
1: Greetings, everyone! Welcome to the Paul Rust Fan Club — a fan club devoted to the immense talent known as Paul Rust! Three cheers for Paul Rust!
ALL: Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray!
2: What should we discuss during this session of the Paul Rust Fan Club?
3: I know! Let’s discuss Paul Rust’s immense talent!
4: Me first! Me first!
5: No, me first! I want to!
6: Paul Rust’s work at No Shame constantly gives me boners.
ALL: We second that!
7: Paul Rust’s work not only gives me boners, but it makes me orgasm from these boners.
ALL: We third that!
8: And these orgasms don’t produce bodily fluids, but rather, majestic rainbows!
ALL: We juicy turd that!
9: And there are people surfboarding on these orgasm rainbows!
10: People such as Santa Claus, Cap’n Crunch, and gorillas dressed as Santa Claus and Cap’n Crunch.
ALL: It’s very difficult to dress a gorilla!
11: I wonder what Paul is like outside of No Shame.
12: I heard he’s an asshole.
13: Yeah, but like a cool asshole.
14: All the great artists are assholes. Just look at Terry Redlin.
ALL: I own three Terry Redlin’s!
15: What do you think Paul looks like when he’s asleep?
16: Like a peaceful deer, sipping water from a stream at dawn.
ALL: Yes! A peaceful deer!
17:No! He looks tormented! Even in sleep, he cannot escape his own tortured brilliance!
ALL: Yes! Tortured brilliance!
18: Do you think he talks about us? Do you think he talks about his fans?
19: I bet he thinks we’re cool. He won’t admit it, but I bet he thinks we’re cool.
20: Not fans like you! Not the fans that drool all over him. I bet he appreciates fans like me though. You know, fans that play it cool. God, I want to sleep with him!
ALL: We all want to sleep with him!
21: So, we’re all in agreement that he’d be spectacular in bed, right?
ALL: Yes! Agreed!
22: But how spectacular?
23: I heard he had a three-way with Mick Jagger and Wilt Chamberlain and they wept over Paul’s sexual prowess!
24: Mick Jagger was quoted as saying, "I am Mick Jagger. Paul fucks better than me."
ALL: When he said it, Mick Jagger had rainbows all over his face.
25: I want to tongue-kiss Paul! I must tongue-kiss Paul! (stand up, enter audience, and tongue-kiss Paul)
26: I wonder what No Shame will be like when Paul leaves in the not-too-distant Spring of 2004.
27: It’s gonna’ suck.
28: Yeah, suck dick!
29: I’m considering suicide already.
30: I already bought my razor blades. 60 of them. I’ve named each one after the title of a Paul Rust No Shame piece.
31: Without Paul Rust, I hate who I am.
ALL: We must let Paul Rust know we appreciate him before he leaves us!
32: But how? How?!
33: Let’s take him out to Godfather’s!
ALL: Too weak!
34: Let’s buy a billboard that says, "Paul is A-O-K by us!"
ALL: Too strong!
35: I just want Paul to know that I love him, you know? I don’t mean to scare him. I just do crazy things, so he can understand how much I love him!
ALL: We are Mark David Chapman!
36: I know! We will honor him through mass suicide!
37: I brought the Kool-Aid!
ALL: But then who shall spread the word of Paul Rust’s greatness?
38: Our blood shall spread His word!
ALL: Hold thy tongue, Azra-bell!
39: Then what shall we do? What shall we do?!
ALL: We will create a Master Race to honor Paul Rust and enforce His message! (everyone sticks out a stiff arm towards Paul - to "Nazi-salute" him)
40: Is this what you want, Master?
PAUL: It is, my ghoulies.
41: Then it is agreed. We shall proceed henceforth.
ALL: All hail, Paul Rust: Master of Everything We Dare Not Understand!
42: We will begin with a riot! Let our presence be known to all!
ALL: Riot! Riot!
43: Smash the windows of local businesses!
ALL: Riot! Riot!
44: Overturn cars and start things on fire!
ALL: Riot! Riot!
45: Be-head the Bourgeois and awake the proletariat!
ALL: Dawn has come! Dawn has come! The New Age of Paul Rust is here!
Everyone stands up, leaves Theatre B, exits the Theatre Building, and starts a glorious riot in downtown Iowa City. BLACKOUT.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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