- April 4, 2003 - No Shame Iowa City
"The Monster at the End of This Scene"
Written by Paul Rust
LIGHTS UP on NARRATOR center-stage.
Narrator: (screaming) There’s a monster at the end of this scene!
SHERYL and BRIAN enter. Sheryl stands behind a table. Brian stands beside it. They
are stage-right.
Narrator: This scene takes place in a liquor store. Sheryl works the register. Brian stocks the freezer. And yes, for legal reasons, I must remind you… (screaming) there’s a monster at the end of this scene!
Narrator steps to the side.
Sheryl: You out of high school, Brian?
Brian: Yeah, I graduated a month ago.
Sheryl: You miss it?
Brian: No.
Sheryl: Why’s that?
Brian: Everybody there was an asshole.
Sheryl: Teachers?
Brian: Teachers and classmates. They’re all assholes.
Narrator returns to center-stage.
Narrator: Do you like these characters? Are you interested in what they have to say? Do you like how Brian said "asshole?" (whispers, smiles) Yeah… me, too. (screaming) But that shouldn’t matter! The only thing that does matter is that there’s a monster at the end of this scene!
Narrator steps to the side.
Sheryl: Why were your classmates assholes?
Brian: Well, truthfully, the girls weren’t so bad. But the guys were fuckin’ creeps.
Sheryl: Hm.
Brian: Really disrespectful. Especially to girls. They called girls "bitches" and would only talk about them in sexual ways. Really sexist. Really disrespectful. Fuckin’ creeps.
Narrator returns to center-stage.
Narrator: Seriously, folks, why are you still sitting here? Are you deaf? Can you not hear me? Perhaps if I fart really loud, I’ll get your attention. (makes fart sound with mouth, then screams) There’s a monster at the end of this scene! Leave while you still can!
Narrator steps to the side.
Sheryl: You’re awfully mature for your age.
Brian: Yeah?
Sheryl: Most guys your age don’t have that sophisticated of views on how to treat women. (pause) Most guys double your age don’t.
Brian: Well, I just don’t understand how men can treat women so poorly, you know? I could never do that. I mean, every woman is somebody’s sister or mother or daughter. You think guys would realize that.
Sheryl: I know, I know. (pause) Well, you better get back to restocking the freezer.
Brian: Yeah, okay.
Brian walks up center aisle, pantomimes
restocking a freezer. HOUSE LIGHTS UP.
Narrator returns to center-stage.
Narrator: And so Brian stepped into the walk-in freezer. And behind those glass doors, he began to re-stock the liquor. He filled up the beer, the wine coolers, and most importantly, he filled up the (transitions to scream) there’s a monster at the end of this scene! So quit watching this! Walk out! Or turn your heads! Something! Anything! It’s coming quicker than you know!
Narrator steps to the side.
CUSTOMER and PAUL RUST enter simultaneously. Customer enters from
stage right and stands in front of the table. Paul enters from the audience and stands stage left.
Brian watches the scene from center aisle, engrossed.
Customer: I’ll take a pack of Camels.
Sheryl: Alright. (reaches up, mimes grabbing a pack, and hands it to customer)
Customer: Thanks. (pause) What’s your name?
Sheryl: Sheryl.
Customer: Ooo, Sheryl. Pretty name.
Sheryl: Uh-huh.
Customer: Just like the song.
Sheryl: Never heard it.
Customer: Sure, you have. It goes… (hums "Star-Spangled Banner)
Sheryl: That’s the Star-Spangled Banner.
Narrator returns to center stage.
Narrator: Hey, you! Stupid audience members! Guess what?! You’re pissing me off! Yeah, you! You’re pissing me off! There’s a monster at the end of this scene and you’re just sitting there, grinning like a bunch of goons! Why are you even looking at the stage right now? Quit looking at the stage! Quit looking at me! (pause, laughs) Oh, I get it. You think this is some sort of gag, huh? Some cute theatre thing. Well, it’s not! There’s a monster at the end of this scene and unfortunately for you, this monster doesn’t know this is a scene. And just because you’re out in the audience watching this doesn’t mean it’s not going to hurt you. You’re not protected.
Narrator remains onstage.
Paul: Can I get a volunteer from the audience?
Paul waits for response, invites volunteer
onstage.
Customer: You haven’t asked me my name yet.
Sheryl: Okay.
Customer: Ask me what my name is.
Sheryl: Thank you for shopping at our liquor store, sir.
Customer: Ask me what my name is.
Sheryl: Will you please leave, sir?
Customer: Ask me what my name is and I’ll go.
Sheryl: Fine. (pause) What’s your name, sir?
Customer: Jim. My name’s Jim. When do you get off work?
Narrator: Meanwhile, Brian’s still in the walk-in freezer, stocking booze… watching all of this happen through the glass doors. (pause) Of course, you didn’t notice that. You don’t notice anything. You don’t notice that there’s a monster at the end of this scene. This is why I think you are dumb.
Paul: (talking to the volunteer) Okay. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stand on a chair. That’s on top of a table. And I what I want you to do is to push the chair out from under me, so I fall onto the floor. Now I’ll be high up and it’s going to hurt me pretty bad. (pause) Will you do it?
Volunteer agrees. If not, Paul finds an
audience member who will.
Paul walks over to stage right, takes the table that’s separating Sheryl and Customer,
and brings it over to stage left. He begins
setting up the chair and table to stand on it.
Customer: (advancing on Sheryl without table) When do you get off work, Sheryl?
Sheryl: Will you please leave now, sir? I’ll call the police.
Customer: Oh, come on now, Sheryl. You’re overreacting a little, don’t you think?
Sheryl: Don’t come near me.
Customer: (advancing) Just give me a kiss.
Sheryl: Don’t come near me.
Customer: One little kiss and I’m on my way. You have my word. If you give me a kiss, I promise I’ll leave.
Sheryl: Brian!
Brian does nothing. He continues watching.
Customer: Brian? Who’s Brian?
Sheryl: Brian!
Customer: There’s no Brian here.
Customer grabs Sheryl’s face and forcibly
kisses her on the mouth. She struggles,
but his grip is too tight. This continues.
Narrator: The monster’s coming!
Paul: (to volunteer) Alright. I’m going to count to ten. When I get to ten, you push the chair out from under me. Don’t chicken out, alright?
Sheryl: Brian! Brian!
Paul: (to volunteer) Now, the only way you can stop from kicking out the chair from under me is if somebody in the audience comes up here and asks you not to. Otherwise, you gotta’ do it.
Narrator: The monster’s coming!
Sheryl: Brian! I need you!
Paul: (to audience) Hey, audience! If you don’t want to see me fall to the floor and get hurt, you need to come onstage and ask the volunteer not to, alright?! Counting to ten… 10… 9… 8…
Sheryl: Brian! Where are you?!
Brian lowers his head.
The scene can take two directions:
audience member and pull Customer off of Sheryl. Customer exits. Jump ahead for this ending OR:
Paul. If so, the following scene continues to the end (unless or until #1 occurs)
Paul: 7… 6… 5…
Narrator: The monster’s coming! It’s really coming! You’re not watching some stupid fucking scene! Don’t you care?! Do something!
Sheryl: Brian! Help me! Help me!
Paul: 4… 3… 2…
Narrator: Stop! (pause, looks out to audience) This scene is over. (pause) All of you are monsters.
BLACKOUT.
If #1 happens…
Narrator: This scene is over. (pause) The rest of you are monsters.
BLACKOUT.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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