- March 28, 2003 - No Shame Iowa City
"Your Eyebrows Are Darker"
Written by Paul Rust
LIGHTS UP on ANDREW sitting in a chair
downstage left. He’s reading a "Hit
Parader" magazine. A moment passes.
And there’s a knock.
ANDREW: Who is it?
PHIL: (off-stage) It’s Phil.
ANDREW: Who?
PHIL: (off-stage) Phil. (pause) Uh… your cousin.
ANDREW: (pause) Come in.
Phil enters stage-right.
PHIL: Hi, Andrew.
ANDREW: (not looking up from magazine) Hey. (pause) What’s up?
PHIL: Nothing. We just pulled in. Your mom said you were downstairs in your bedroom… so I came down. (pause, Andrew continues reading) It took awhile for us to get here. The roads were really snowy and my dad had to drive a lot slower… than he usually does… because of the snowy roads. (beat) How’s your Christmas going?
ANDREW: Alright.
Pause. Andrew continues looking down at
his magazine.
PHIL: Yeah, mine’s been going pretty good, too. (beat) When’d you move downstairs?
ANDREW: A couple months ago. I had to practically fuckin’ beg my parents.
PHIL: Oh. (pause) It’s cool. It’s a cool bedroom.
ANDREW: Yeah, it’s pretty cool. (looks up from magazine) I get to hang up any posters I want and play my guitar as loud as I want.
PHIL: Neat.
ANDREW: Yeah… "neat."
Andrew resumes reading. Pause.
PHIL: What’d you get from Santa this year?
ANDREW: (snickering) Santa?
PHIL: (pause, tries to snicker) Oh… I mean, what’d you get from your… ‘rents?
ANDREW: I don’t know. Stupid shit. I wish they’d just give me money, you know?
PHIL: Yeah… I know… what you mean. I wish my parents would just me money, too.
ANDREW: Uh-huh.
PHIL: So, Andy… you wanna’ do something?
Andrew breathes out, sets down the
magazine.
ANDREW: Like what?
PHIL: I don’t know. Um… the last Christmas I came here, we played Laser-Tag. You want to play Laser-Tag again?
ANDREW: I don’t know where it’s at. I think I borrowed it to my neighbor and he never gave it back. Besides… Laser-Tag’s gay.
PHIL: Yeah. It’s pretty… it’s pretty fuckin’ gay. (beat) You look different than you did last year.
ANDREW: Huh.
PHIL: Your face is thinner. And your eyebrows are darker.
Pause. Andrew stares at Phil.
ANDREW: You look the same. (Phil nods) How old are you?
PHIL: 12. You’re 13, right?
ANDREW: I’ll be 14 in a month. (pause) Oh… and by the way, my name’s Andrew, not Andy.
PHIL: Okay. I’m still Phil.
Pause. There’s a knock.
ANDREW: Who is it?
BRIAN: (off-stage) It’s Brian, you fag!
BRIAN and SARAH enter stage-right. They
are holding hands. Andrew stands up and
walks over to them.
ANDREW: (excitedly) Did you get it?
BRIAN: Fuckin’ dad was guarding the fridge the whole time.
ANDREW: (disappointedly) Jesus, Brian, that was supposed to be your job.
BRIAN: Well, I’m sorry. My parents decided to stay in town today.
ANDREW: Now today’s gonna’ suck dick. (pause) And why’d you have to bring her?
SARAH: Fuck off, Andrew.
BRIAN: Yeah, fuck off, Andrew. Don’t take this out on her.
ANDREW: I’m not taking it out on her. I just don’t want to hear her voice all day.
Andrew sits back down in his chair, sulking. Brian and Sarah sit down on the table together, still holding hands. Sarah looks bored.
BRIAN: (looking at Phil) Who’s this?
ANDREW: It’s my cousin. Phil.
BRIAN: Hey, cousin Phil. What’s up? (Phil shrugs, smiles) So, Phil, what’s it like having a fag for a cousin? (laughs)
ANDREW: Fuck off.
BRIAN: (laughing) Oh, don’t mind your cousin, Phil. He’s just being a fag. And a douche bag. (beat) So, how’s your Christmas been?
PHIL: Pretty good. How’s… yours been?
BRIAN: Eh, you know. Same as always. Mom and dad start arguing. I leave. They’re probably fucking right now.
PHIL: They don’t care you’re here?
BRIAN: Nah.
PHIL: (pointing at Sarah) Do your parents mind you’re here?
BRIAN: (scoffing) Sarah’s parents are probably too passed out to even know it’s Christmas. (Sarah punches Brian in the arm, he laughs) Seriously, every time I come over, your folks have drinks in their hands.
ANDREW: It’s true, Sarah. Your parents are fuckin’ boozehounds.
SARAH: Shut up, Andrew.
BRIAN: Yeah, lay off, Andrew.
ANDREW: Jesus, Brian, quit kissing your girlfriend’s ass. Have some balls for once.
BRIAN: I’ve got balls.
ANDREW: Fuckin’ tiny balls.
BRIAN: (stares at Andrew, provoked) Hey, Phil, do you have a girlfriend? Do you? (Phil does nothing) Oh-ho-ho, I think Phil’s got a girlfriend! (Andrew laughs lightly, Brian notices) What’s her name? Debbie? Is her name Debbie? I bet her name’s Debbie! (Andrew laughs) Have you held her hand, Phil? Huh? Have you? Have you kissed her? Have you touched her tits? (Andrew laughs more, Phil looks uncomfortable)
SARAH: Stop it, Brian.
ANDREW: Shut up, Sarah.
BRIAN: Yeah, shut up, Sarah. Have you touched Debbie’s tits, Phil?
PHIL: (pause) I don’t know.
BRIAN: (teasingly) Have you ever touched a girl’s tits, Phil? Huh, Phil? Come on, tell us the truth, have you?
PHIL: I don’t know.
BRIAN: You want to? You wanna’ touch some tits? (glances over at Sarah) You wanna’ touch Sarah’s tits? (Andrew laughs hard)
SARAH: Jesus, Brian, don’t be a retard.
BRIAN: (standing up, pushing Phil from behind) Come on, Phil, touch her tits.
PHIL: (squirming in Brian’s grip) No. I don’t want to.
BRIAN: Rub her nipples. She likes that. (Brian looks at Andrew, sharing a laugh. Phil gets out of Brian’s grip and moves away) Oh, that’s okay, Phil. You probably would have cummed everywhere anyway. (Brian and Andrew laugh) Not that you’ve cummed before. You probably don’t even have pubes. Do you have pubes, Phil? (Phil looks confused)
ANDREW: He means, do you have hair on your dick?
Phil nods, embarrassed.
BRIAN: Oh, he does, does he?! Got ‘em just last week, did ya’?! Well, if you have pubes, then it’s high time you cum! Tell you what… we’re going to go out for a smoke. When we come back, I want to see some cum. Deal? (Phil lowers his head, Brian laughs) Let’s get a smoke. (Brian and Andrew begin to exit, Sarah sits still) You coming along, Sarah?
Sarah nods "no" with her head lowered.
Brian glances over at Andrew, rolls his eyes,
and makes an annoyed face. They exchange smiles and exit stage-right.
Andrew starts to cry. To hide this, he sits downstage left with his back turned to the audience. Sarah looks over at Andrew, then
where Brian exited. Pause.
She walks over to Phil, sits in front of him, and unzips his pants. Her fist begins pumping. Brian’s hands grip the floor and then… release.
SARAH: Was that the first time you cummed? (Phil nods "yes," beat) Where you from?
PHIL: … Minnesota.
SARAH: Hm. Long drive. Were the roads snowy?
PHIL: Yeah… they were real snowy. BLACKOUT.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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