- July 12, 2002 - Summer Shame (Iowa City)
"Zuzu’s Kettles"
written by Paul Rust
Jimmony Peltzer enters.
JIMMONY:
This is you: "I have to buy groceries, but my favorite situation comedy is on tonight! I’m in such trouble!" This is me: "(clears throat — with sass!)." This is you: "I have to wash my car, but my favorite medical and/or lawyer drama is on tonight! Sadness, sadness." This is me: "Um? (clears throat — with more sass!)." This is you: "I have to wash my laundry, but my favorite toy commercial is on tonight! Too bad there’s nothing I can do!" This… is… me: "Uhhhh, do you have cotton in your ears or something? Cuz, uh, I’ve said like a million times… (clears throat — with the most sass)."
Because you can buy your groceries, you can wash your car, and yes, Mayor Gildenstern, you can watch your favorite toy commercial! And still be able to watch all your favorite television and television-related programs to boot! All you need is a VCR… an open mind… and one single, solitary… (reveals remote control) remote-y control-y! Hit it, Greg!
Jimmony strikes a pose, arms folded, looking cool. Long pause of silence. Looking flustered, Jimmony enters the audience, selects a random member, and has them stand and touch their nose with their index finger. He returns to the stage. If, however, that audience member ever sits down or quits touching his/her nose, Jimmony goes back into the audience and has them resume the action.
For instance… today, I had swimming lessons! Now don’t laugh! They’re not just for kids and movie stars anymore! Everybody does them. I love ‘em! The only problem is… when I’m at swimming lessons, my favorite picture of a taco is on t.v.! But now with my remotor-y controller-y, deh ain’t no problem, baby, uh-huh. Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a picture of a taco to watch!
Jimmony begins to exit stage, but is interrupted by DENTURES McGAVIN sitting out in the audience.
DENTURES McGAVIN
Don’t get your hopes up too much, Li’l Jimmony Peltzer! Word ‘round the campfire is that your older brother, Kenny Peltzer, is using the t.v. to watch the Kansas City Baseballers beat the California Basketballers!
JIMMONY
What?! But I wanted to see that taco now! It’s probably melting all over! Troubles upon troubles… upon troubles!
Jimmony enters the audience, selects a random member, and has them stand and scratch their arm. Jimmony returns to the stage. Again, if the audience member quits scratching their arm, Jimmony forces them to resume.
(disappointed) Holy shit. Maybe a remote-o control-o can’t fix everything. Sheesh. I wish I had a remote control that did - like a remote-ton control-ton that could stop my brother from watching his stupid sporting and sporting-related events. Yeah, that’d be awesome! A magical remote-lick control-lick! (reenacts fantasy) I’d just push "stop" and poof - my brother would stop watching his shows! That’d be totally, schmotally neat!
Jimmony becomes increasingly more excited as he thinks of various uses with his magical remote control.
I could do a bunch of other things, too! Like, "History class is super-boring! I want to go outside and blow bubblegum! Fast forward!" (presses button) "Sorry, teach, now you’re part of History!"
Jimmony trots over to a different part of the stage.
Or, "Ahhhh! I’m being chased by Freddy Krueger and Jason and the Wolfman and Bunnicula! Pause!" (presses button) "See ya’, monsters! Call me later and tell me what it’s like to eat my dust!"
Jimmony runs to a different part of the stage.
Or, "Oh no! A Republican’s talking! Mute!" (presses button) Ha! Ha! Mute! That Republican would be like… (mimics a mute Republican). Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jimmony dances over to a different part of the stage.
Or what if, "Holy smokes! I’m in the Artic and I’m lost and I have to find my airplane before it leaves without me and polar bears want my lunch and it’s really snowy! I can’t see a thing! Tracking!" (pushes a button) "Look at that! All the snow went away! No Cheetos for you, polar bears!"
Jimmony looks out to the audience for a response to this particular idea. There probably won’t be much of one — what with the joke not being very funny and all. He becomes quiet and looks out at the audience seriously — ideally, over-seriously.
And maybe… just maybe… this magical remote control could be used for good. I’d rewind. Why, yes, I’d rewind the entire world. I’d rewind the world and all its’ days and events and happenings until I finally reached… September 11th. Just imagine that horrific day in rewind, fixing itself. The Twin Towers would re-arrange from rubble to glory. Airplanes would fly in reverse, away from buildings. And America would once again restore to peace. And after that, I’d rewind until I reached September 10th… and then… I’d pause. (holds up remote control defiantly)
After a long pause, Jimmony looks out to the audience, becomes disappointed by their reaction.
Uhhhh… be touched. Hello? Be touched. (points remote control at audience)
BLACKOUT.
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