copyright © 2002 Paul Rust

"Governor’s Ball"

Written by Paul Rust

Governor Thomas K. Farnsworth III stands center-stage behind a table. He is surrounded in a half-circle by various respected figures.

Thomas (in British — British?! — accent): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am, of course, Governor Thomas K. Farnsworth III. I would like to thank all of you for attending my distinguished ball tonight. Now, before we are treated to these delicious strawberry truffles, I want to acknowledge some very important guests we have here tonight. First of all, I extend my warmth to Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Pressman.

Thomas looks at Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Pressman (Mike Cassady and Michele Thompson) in the half-circle.

Thomas: Their valued work in the iron ore industry has not only benefited our children’s schools and our nation roadways, but has also provided us with the tasty novelty beverage… Berry Grape Iron Ore Soda. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Pressman. Thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Pressman nod their heads respectfully.

Thomas: I would also like to extend my deepest compassion to noted anthropologist Dr. Nuzitzoo Zendahwah.

Thomas looks at Nuzitzoo Zendahwah (Bill McKenna) in the half-circle.

Thomas: Thank you, Doctor, for traveling far from the East to share with us your most amusing tales of the Galnekee Tribe of South Africa. We shall never forget your hilarious "Peas’ Porridge" anecdote — truly a delightful combination of grandiose storytelling and whimsical insight.

Dr. Nuzitzoo Zendahwah bows reverently.

Thomas: And last, but certainly not least… I share my heartfelt love for Miss Barbra Lamar, star of stage and screen.

Thomas takes Miss Barbra Lamar’s hand and kisses it.

Thomas: Your grace, poise, and glamour have been welcomed additions — or should I say, distractions - to our most humble gathering tonight. I wish you well in the future and look forward to your upcoming film "Heart of the Desert," which will surely be a box office success.

Miss Barbra Lamar curtsies.

Thomas: So, let us carry onto our most-anticipated dessert… and on an unrelated side note, let us hope this splendid evening of pleasant formalities and polite exchanges will not be intruded upon by some "fish-out-of-water" figure who would surely ruin everything.

Mr. Pressman (in a sophisticated high society voice): I couldn’t agree with you more, Governor Farnsworth. This "fish-out-of-water" type that you have so aptly named would undoubtedly by unsuitable at our upper-crust party.

Mrs. Pressman (also in a sophisticated high society voice): Why, he would certainly embarrass us with his… how should I say it? "Fish-out-of-water" behavior.

Thomas: Then it is all agreed. We neither enjoy, nor do we expect, a "fish-out-of-water" character at this hoidy-toidy Governor’s Ball.

Everyone: And how!

Everyone lightly claps in agreement. Enter Fart-Crap, a "fish-out-of-water" figure.

Thomas (disappointed, shocked): Pity! Fart-Crap will surely ruin my uppity Governor’s Ball!

"Sunshine and Showers," a light easy-listening instrumental, starts. Far-Crap begins to move softly to the music. Eventually, he starts humping things (i.e. the table, chairs, guests) in rhythm to the music.

Surprisingly, the guests are not offended. In fact, they find it quite amusing and modestly giggle, exchanging content glances with each other.

"Sunshine and Showers" ends.

Thomas (happily): Fart-Crap, your risque, but non-threatening form of humor has made this stuffy Governor’s Ball a grand success! What do you have to say for yourself?

Beat.

Fart-Crap (cheerily): I’m carrying a knife!

Everyone laughs and cheers.

BLACKOUT.

"Governor's Ball" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Governor's Ball" debuted April 19, 2002.

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