"Mrs. Brown, Youve Got a Lovely Dauber"
Written by Paul Rust
PAUL RUST (me!) stands center stage.
PAUL: Everywhere I look, people are holding hands. Teenagers in shopping malls. Parents in furniture stores. Elderly couples in Wendys. Theyre all holding hands holding hands like people do when theyre in love.
(recreating a make-believe scene)
"I love holding hands with you, Linda."
"I love holding hands with you, Gary."
"Lets hold hands and kiss each other and then hold hands again."
"Sounds great! Lets do it!"
See what I mean? Why (something distracts in the audience) why why right now in the audience, I see two people holding hands. (earnestly) Wow. You guys must really be in love. People hold hands because theyre in love with each other.
Geeze, it seems as if everybody is holding hands - everybody except me.
Plops sadly onto the floor. Beat. Waves hand and goes, "Awww" (to cue necessary sympathy if not given by audience)
Well, Im glad I dont have anybody to hold hands with! (stands defiantly) Not having a girlfriend is great! I get to do whatever I want. I can kick things. I can jump around a lot. I can I can I can brush my teeth whenever I want to. Its great. Im glad I dont have anybody to hold hands with.
MIKE: (from behind the curtain) Honestly, Paul?
PAUL: Wh-Wh-Who said that?
MIKE: (stepping out from behind the curtain) I did.
PAUL: Oh, Mike Cassady. What do you want? Youre probably here to bust my chops again, eh?
MIKE: No, Paul, Im not. I couldnt help, but overhear you say you dont want to hold hands with anybody. I just dont believe that.
PAUL: You think Id want to?
MIKE: Well yeah.
PAUL: Oh, youre funny. You make me laugh with your jokes. Who are you? Jerry Steinfeld or something?
MIKE: No, Im not. Im just a friend who wants to help you out. Tell me honestly, Paul is there somebody you want to hold hands with?
PAUL giggles and looks away bashfully.
MIKE: Ohhhhh, Paul. Who is it? Do I know this person?
PAUL: You know this person. In fact, this person is in the audience right now.
MIKE: Holy moly! Thats hot stuff! (genius strikes him) I got an idea! Why dont you go out into the audience right now and ask her?
PAUL: No way! I couldnt!
MIKE: Come on. Itd be fun. And think about it if you two got married, youd have a great story. Your wife could tell the kids, "Your father asked me on our first date in front of an entire audience." Wouldnt that be romantic?
PAUL: But omigod, omigod what if the person turned me down in front of everybody. Id look like an A-1 bonehead.
MIKE: You wouldnt look like a bonehead not if you followed my advice.
PAUL: Your advice?
MIKE: Yeah, youre talking to Mr. Kiss-n-Hug here. Ill give you the tips you need, so youre one step closer to holding hands with a lady.
PAUL: I dont know
MIKE: (gesturing to self) Mr. Kiss-n-Hug?
PAUL: Oh, all right.
MIKE: Great. Now let me see you walk.
PAUL: What on earth?!
MIKE: Just do it.
PAUL: Okay, but if you do anything wise, Im gonna get so angry!
PAUL walks across stage. MIKE bursts out laughing.
PAUL: What? Whats so funny?
MIKE: Who taught you to walk? Christopher Columbus or something?
PAUL: Hey, thats not very nice.
MIKE: Sorry, sorry. You just got to learn an important lesson about walking. Rule #1: Girls dont like guys who walk. They hate em.
PAUL: What? What in Hells Bells are you talking about?
MIKE: Girls hate to see guys walk. They only like to see a guy move if hes in a dune buggy.
PAUL: Really?
MIKE: Have you ever seen a guy in a dune buggy without a girl?
PAUL: You do have a point.
MIKE: Of course, I do. Im Mr. Kiss-N-Hug. So get yourself a dune buggy and youll be set. Now let me hear what youd say if you talked to a girl.
PAUL: Okay. My name is Paul Rust and I
MIKE makes a wrong-answer buzzer sound.
PAUL: What?
MIKE makes a wrong-answer buzzer sound.
PAUL: All I said was
MIKE makes a wrong-answer buzzer sound.
PAUL: Whats wrong with you? I dont need this. Im just going to go out into the audience and be myself and introduce who I am to the person I want to hold hands with.
MIKE: (hyper-seriously) Thats exactly it, Paul. Now, youve reached the most important rule of them all: everybodys got to have their own rules. Im proud of you, Paul. Im proud of you.
MIKE and PAUL embrace. PAUL exits the stage and walks up the center aisle. HOUSE LIGHTS UP.
Once he reaches the top of the stairs, PAUL looks down at MIKE onstage.
PAUL: Mike, Im scared.
MIKE: Youll do fine.
PAUL: (drops script in hand) No, Im seriously scared in real-life. I mean, Im about to ask somebody out in front of this entire audience. Somebody Ive always admired. Somebody Ive always wanted to date. Somebody Ive always found (picks up a mirror and gazes at self) so damn attractive.
MIKE: (flabbergasted!) Yourself?!
PAUL: Yeah. You gotta admit, Mike, Im pretty hot.
MIKE: Shut up!
PAUL runs back onto stage.
PAUL: All my life, Ive been running away from the person whos perfect for me me!
MIKE: Youre pathetic.
PAUL: I dont need anybody else. I got me.
MIKE: Goodbye.
MIKE exits.
PAUL: I dont need anybody! I dont need anybody. (looks at reflection in mirror) Do you want to hold hands?
PAUL places hand on mirror, so the real one and the reflection are touching other.
PAUL turns out to audience and smiles.
Once PAUL smiles, BLACKOUT.
"Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Dauber" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Dauber" debuted February 22, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, Aaron Galbraith.