copyright © 2002 Paul Rust

"Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Dauber"

Written by Paul Rust

PAUL RUST (me!) stands center stage.

PAUL: Everywhere I look, people are holding hands. Teenagers in shopping malls. Parents in furniture stores. Elderly couples in Wendy’s. They’re all holding hands — holding hands like people do when they’re in love.

(recreating a make-believe scene)

"I love holding hands with you, Linda."

"I love holding hands with you, Gary."

"Let’s hold hands and kiss each other and then hold hands again."

"Sounds great! Let’s do it!"

See what I mean? Why… (something distracts in the audience) … why… why right now in the audience, I see two people holding hands. (earnestly) Wow. You guys must really be in love. People hold hands because they’re in love with each other.

Geeze, it seems as if everybody is holding hands - everybody except me.

Plops sadly onto the floor. Beat. Waves hand and goes, "Awww" (to cue necessary sympathy if not given by audience)

Well, I’m glad I don’t have anybody to hold hands with! (stands defiantly) Not having a girlfriend is great! I get to do whatever I want. I can kick things. I can jump around a lot. I can… I can… I can brush my teeth whenever I want to. It’s great. I’m glad I don’t have anybody to hold hands with.

MIKE: (from behind the curtain) Honestly, Paul?

PAUL: Wh-Wh-Who said that?

MIKE: (stepping out from behind the curtain) I did.

PAUL: Oh, Mike Cassady. What do you want? You’re probably here to bust my chops again, eh?

MIKE: No, Paul, I’m not. I couldn’t help, but overhear you say you don’t want to hold hands with anybody. I just don’t believe that.

PAUL: You think I’d want to?

MIKE: Well… yeah.

PAUL: Oh, you’re funny. You make me laugh with your jokes. Who are you? Jerry Steinfeld or something?

MIKE: No, I’m not. I’m just a friend who wants to help you out. Tell me honestly, Paul… is there somebody you want to hold hands with?

PAUL giggles and looks away bashfully.

MIKE: Ohhhhh, Paul. Who is it? Do I know this person?

PAUL: You know this person. In fact, this person is in the audience right now.

MIKE: Holy moly! That’s hot stuff! (genius strikes him) I got an idea! Why don’t you go out into the audience right now and ask her?

PAUL: No way! I couldn’t!

MIKE: Come on. It’d be fun. And think about it… if you two got married, you’d have a great story. Your wife could tell the kids, "Your father asked me on our first date in front of an entire audience." Wouldn’t that be romantic?

PAUL: But omigod, omigod… what if the person turned me down in front of everybody. I’d look like an A-1 bonehead.

MIKE: You wouldn’t look like a bonehead… not if you followed my advice.

PAUL: Your advice?

MIKE: Yeah, you’re talking to Mr. Kiss-n-Hug here. I’ll give you the tips you need, so you’re one step closer to holding hands with a lady.

PAUL: I don’t know…

MIKE: (gesturing to self) Mr. Kiss-n-Hug?

PAUL: Oh, all right.

MIKE: Great. Now let me see you walk.

PAUL: What on earth?!

MIKE: Just do it.

PAUL: Okay, but if you do anything wise, I’m gonna’ get so angry!

PAUL walks across stage. MIKE bursts out laughing.

PAUL: What? What’s so funny?

MIKE: Who taught you to walk? Christopher Columbus or something?

PAUL: Hey, that’s not very nice.

MIKE: Sorry, sorry. You just got to learn an important lesson about walking. Rule #1: Girls don’t like guys who walk. They hate ‘em.

PAUL: What? What in Hell’s Bells are you talking about?

MIKE: Girls hate to see guys walk. They only like to see a guy move if he’s in a dune buggy.

PAUL: Really?

MIKE: Have you ever seen a guy in a dune buggy without a girl?

PAUL: You do have a point.

MIKE: Of course, I do. I’m Mr. Kiss-N-Hug. So get yourself a dune buggy and you’ll be set. Now let me hear what you’d say if you talked to a girl.

PAUL: Okay. My name is Paul Rust and I…

MIKE makes a wrong-answer buzzer sound.

PAUL: What?

MIKE makes a wrong-answer buzzer sound.

PAUL: All I said was…

MIKE makes a wrong-answer buzzer sound.

PAUL: What’s wrong with you? I don’t need this. I’m just going to go out into the audience and be myself and introduce who I am to the person I want to hold hands with.

MIKE: (hyper-seriously) That’s exactly it, Paul. Now, you’ve reached the most important rule of them all: everybody’s got to have their own rules. I’m proud of you, Paul. I’m proud of you.

MIKE and PAUL embrace. PAUL exits the stage and walks up the center aisle. HOUSE LIGHTS UP.

Once he reaches the top of the stairs, PAUL looks down at MIKE onstage.

PAUL: Mike, I’m scared.

MIKE: You’ll do fine.

PAUL: (drops script in hand) No, I’m seriously scared in real-life. I mean, I’m about to ask somebody out in front of this entire audience. Somebody I’ve always admired. Somebody I’ve always wanted to date. Somebody I’ve always found… (picks up a mirror and gazes at self)… so damn attractive.

MIKE: (flabbergasted!) Yourself?!

PAUL: Yeah. You gotta’ admit, Mike, I’m pretty hot.

MIKE: Shut up!

PAUL runs back onto stage.

PAUL: All my life, I’ve been running away from the person who’s perfect for me… me!

MIKE: You’re pathetic.

PAUL: I don’t need anybody else. I got me.

MIKE: Goodbye.

MIKE exits.

PAUL: I don’t need anybody! I don’t need anybody. (looks at reflection in mirror) Do you want to hold hands?

PAUL places hand on mirror, so the real one and the reflection are touching other.

PAUL turns out to audience and smiles.

Once PAUL smiles, BLACKOUT.

"Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Dauber" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Dauber" debuted February 22, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, Aaron Galbraith.

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