Scott Anderson runs out. He’s singing his pretend sitcom’s theme song.
It’s the Andersons! Not your average family! It’s the Andersons! They’re really, really cool! It’s the Andersons! All right! Yeah! It’s the Andersons! Oh great, it’s them! Starring… Daddy Anderson! Momma Anderson! Sister Anderson! And me, Scott Anderson! It’s the Andersooooon’s! Who are they?! The Andersons! Yeah! Today’s episode: "The Inheritance."
Scott begins portraying each family member by doing a loose, erratic impersonation and holding a character-specific prop. For Dad, a pair a glasses. For Mom, a spoon. For Sister Sheri, a can of hair spray.
DAD: Hi, honey, I’m home!
MOM: Oh, good! I missed you so much!
DAD: Yeah, I missed you a lot, too! I missed you while I was working hard at work!
MOM: Oh yeah! How was work?
DAD: Awesome! But boy, does that boss drive me nuts sometimes!
MOM: You and the rest of us! Look! It’s our lovely daughter, Sheri! Sheri, come on over here!
SHERI: I love you, mom and dad!
DAD: We love you, too! Oh wait! Where’s our super-cool son, Scott?
SCOTT: Here I am!
MOM: Where were you, honey?
SCOTT: I think the better question is where wasn’t I!
(entire family laughs - via Scott laughing as he holds each prop up separately. This is his procedure for anytime the group does something at once.)
SCOTT: I was skateboarding home and I saw eight cars and then I jumped the eight cars and then said, "Take that eight cars!" and then a cop came over to me and said, "Scott, that was irresponsible, reckless… and totally rad!"
DAD: Did the cop fine you fifty dollars?
SCOTT: No, he gave me fifty dollars! And then he said, "Scott, that was irresponsible, reckless… and totally rad!" And I was like, "I like that sound of that!" (puts hands behind head and nods coolly)
DAD: Speaking of money, I have great news! Family meeting!
(family moans)
DAD: Ha! Ha! No, no, no! You’ll like this family meeting! Now have a seat, everyone! Today, as I was leaving the office, I got stuck in an elevator and helped deliver a pregnant woman’s baby!
(family cheers)
DAD: Then she said I was in her uncle’s will and I would get all of his inheritance, but only on one condition…
(family wonders aloud)
DAD: That I dance the Macarena! But I don’t know how!
CHERI, MOM, SCOTT: We’ll show you!
(they say the following lines as they demonstrate the dance)
MOM: What are we gonna’ do with all the money from the inheritance?!
CHERI: Let’s buy a shopping mall!
DAD, MOM, SCOTT: Cheri!
CHERI: It was worth a try! Ha! Ha!
SCOTT: I got it! I know a perfect thing we can buy with the money!
(family wonders aloud)
SCOTT: How about that medication the doctor said I needed?!
CHERI: No way!
MOM: Uh-uh!
DAD: That’s just crazy!
(macarena stops)
SCOTT: But the doctor said if I take that medication, I’ll quit trying to kill myself, remember?
CHERI: Shut up, Scott! It’s not mom and dad’s fault you’re manic-depressive, so they shouldn’t have to pay for it! Now, excuse me, I’m gonna’ be a big bitch and have sex with my boyfriend when mom and dad go on vacation!
MOM: Duh, duh, duh! I didn’t hear that because I think Cheri’s a perfect angel! As for you, young man, I’m gonna’ make you go to school where all the kids make fun of you and I don’t give a shit how you feel about it! Blah, blah, blah!
DAD: Your mom’s right, Scott! I’m a stupid fucker! Now come over here, so I can beat you with this belt! Ha! Ha! Ha! And if anybody asks why you’re bruised, you tell them you fell down the stairs! Argh! Argh! Argh! I love beating the shit out of you all the time!
CHERI: I know! Let’s put Scott in an institution, so we don’t have to worry about him anymore!
MOM: What a great idea! I love you, Sheri!
SCOTT: But I don’t want to be in an institution!
DAD: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don’t give a damn about you!
SCOTT: But you guys will never visit me in an institution! Like last Christmas, you never came! You said you’d visit, but you never came! You never came! You never came! You never came!
BLACKOUT
"My Own Private Sitcom"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
AUTHOR
"My Own Private Sitcom"
debuted March 23, 2001,
performed by Paul Rust.
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