Lights up. MAN, WOMAN on cell phones. They are talking to each other.

WOMAN
Special Medallions Sellers Company, this is Joan speaking.

MAN
Joan, it's me. Can you get me Henley?

WOMAN
Henley's not in.

MAN
Then get me Frey.

WOMAN
Frey's dead.

MAN
Well get me someone, I need someone to talk to.

WOMAN
What about?

MAN
What about? You...Look, they send me an assignment...who's giving out assignments?

WOMAN
Walsh.

MAN
Walsh? Walsh sent me out on assignment to sell our 24 karat gold medallions of the Pope, you know, the ones with the Pope giving the thumbs up sign, but you know where he sent me? He sent me to India. How many people live in India? 800 million. How many medallions did I sell? Three, and those were the ones my mom bought before I left. The whole country is Hindu! Walsh sent me to India to sell medallions of the fucking Pope! 800 million Hindus are not interested in the Pope!

WOMAN
I fail to see what this has to do with me.

MAN
Can you find me Walsh?

WOMAN
He's not here. He's on vacation. Are you pissed at him?

MAN
Pissed? He wasted two weeks of my life! And he knows I have terminal cancer. You tell Walsh I'm gonna rip off his jaw and shove it up his ass so he can skullfuck himself.

WOMAN turns to MAN

WOMAN
That's pretty disgusting, you know.

MAN
I had to get my point across.

WOMAN
You're not very good with women are you?

MAN
Sure I am! No, I'm not. I mean, I have women friends, but they're all either already dating someone or not interested in dating. I thought maybe if I could impress you with my take charge rage in a work situation, you'd want to have a date.

WOMAN
You have to stop trying to impress me with how angry you can get. It's not attractive.

MAN
What is attractive? You tell me, because I don't know.

WOMAN
Confidence is attractive. Being yourself is attractive. Being a short, spastic, angry medallion salesman is not.

MAN
I've tried being myself, and it's never worked. I mean, I'm a nice, funny, smart, well mannered person...I have all my fingers and most of my toes. What's so wrong with me?

WOMAN
For one thing...you're ugly. I mean, you're a six pack of ugly. I've dated ugly guys, but they were all really good in bed, which I'm sure you're not. No offense.

MAN
What? You're wrong, and you can ask any woman.

WOMAN
I would if there were any.

MAN
This coming from a stretched out, herpes infested gutterslut like you.

WOMAN
At least I've had the chance to get herpes.

MAN
Who wants the chance to get herpes? You're so fucking stupid you think that's a good thing! You know what, here's two bucks, dollface. Cuz that's just what you're worth.

MAN tosses dollar bills at WOMAN

WOMAN
Jesus Christ, that's so pathetic.

BENNY HINN and STEVE BROCK enter.

HINN
Did someone say "Jesus"?

BROCK
Welcome to another episode of "This is your day" with your host and founder of the Benny Hinn Ministries, Pastor Benny Hinn!

HINN
Hello friends. Today, I make a stand against the Devil. Today I invite Satan into my parlor of the Lord, so I may serve him a Jesus Martini and then spike it with the love of the Holy Ghost. Who do we have first, Steve Brock?

BROCK moves to MAN

BROCK
Pastor Benny, this man has a cancerous goiter on his neck.

MAN
I don't have a goiter on my neck!

HINN
The devil makes him deny his affliction! Steve, bring him to me! Hold him!

BROCK grabs MAN.

HINN
I cast thee out, Satan! FIRE!

HINN smacks MAN on the forehead.

MAN
OUCH! You fucker! I don't even know what a goiter is!

HINN
Goiter be gone! FIRE FIRE!

HINN slaps MAN hard to the ground and starts kicking him.

HINN
Devil out! Devil out!

BROCK
Pastor Benny...

HINN
Ah, yes. Sometimes I get a little carried away with my love for the Holy Ghost.

He gives MAN a final kick and moves to WOMAN

WOMAN
Get away from me you ambiguously ethnic psycho!

BROCK
This woman has a sexually transmitted anal wart, Pastor Benny.

BENNY
I wonder how she got that, heh heh. Grab her, Steve!!

BROCK tries to grab her, she slips through his hands.

WOMAN
I don't have anal warts!

HINN
The devil has been sodomizing you, just like he sodomized Sodom.

WOMAN
Someone help me!

She runs off.

HINN
Come with me, Steve Brock! We have a Satan to rid!

BROCK
Sure thing, Pastor B.

BROCK and HINN leave. Beat. The MAN gets up and addresses the audience.

MAN
Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I work all day selling gold medallions of the Pope to Hindus, I try to meet women and get rejected, then I get punched in the head for having a goiter I don't even have. Maybe I should just stay home and eat pasta out of a bag and watch "who wants to be a millionaire". I always get the $100 question right. Maybe that would make my life happier. Or I could marry a goat like I've always wanted.

HINN
(offstage) Anal wart be gone!

MAN
(beat) Or not.

Lights cut.

"Baltimore Bullet Ballet" debuted November 12, 1999.

MAN-Dan Brooks
WOMAN-Kelli Rae Powell
BENNY HINN-Mike Rothschild
STEVE BROCK-Ben Schmidt

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