- September 29, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.
Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff: The Guardian
By Mike Rothschild
LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff.
JEFF
So I saw that new movie "The Guardian" and it is not what I
expected at all.
MIKE
What'd you expect? I mean, you saw the trailer. You knew it
was a movie about a Coast Guard trainee, right?
JEFF
Oh yeah. There's storms and boats and Ashton Kutcher looking
all heroic, and it was really exciting.
MIKE
So what actually happened in the movie?
JEFF
There were storms and boats and Ashton Kutcher looking all
heroic, and it was really exciting.
MIKE
So everything that happened in the trailer happened in the
movie, yet it wasn't what you expected. How is that possible?
JEFF
It's an Ashton Kutcher movie, I figured I was getting punked!
MIKE
I don't think Ashton Kutcher would spend the millions of
dollars it takes to make a movie just to punk you.
JEFF
He might. The best time to punk someone is when they don't
think they're going to get punked, or when you think you're
going to get punked and someone else gets punked.
MIKE
Please stop using "punk" as a verb. Look, Ashton Kutcher is
trying to establish a reputation as a serious actor. He
doesn't want to be the doofus from "That '70s Show" anymore.
JEFF
See, that's just it. I figured since Ashton Kutcher isn't a
serious actor, the movie would have to be really funny. Then
I saw all the water and the boats and helicopters and Ashton
Kutcher acting all serious and yelling about stuff, and I
figured out what the non-punking version of the movie was.
MIKE
And that was...?
JEFF
"Dude, Where's My Boat?"
MIKE
What?
JEFF
Think about it!
MIKE
Do I have to?
JEFF
Ashton Kutcher found his car in "Dude, Where's My Car?" So to
make the sequel even bigger, they have him lose his boat!
MIKE
Ok...
JEFF
But they can't get Stiffler to be in it with him, because
he's too depressed from being dumped by Katie Holmes and
having her baby look exactly like him.
MIKE
That wasn't Stiffler, that was...never mind, please go on.
JEFF
So Ashton Kutcher needs to find his boat, so he hires Dances
With Wolves, because he's got such good tracking skills from
hanging out with Indians.
MIKE
I just can't begin to tell you how many things are wrong with
that. Dances With Wolves is a character played by Kevin
Costner, who IS in "The Guardian." And Kevin Costner does not
have good tracking skills. If you truly needed to find
something, Kevin Costner would NOT be the person I'd hire.
JEFF
I can totally understand why Ashton Kutcher would want him to
help find his boat. He's always finding stuff and getting to
the bottom of stuff, like in that "JFK" movie. It's like
"Dude, where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." "Dude,
where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." "Dude, where's my
boat?" "Back and to the left." They'd it in five minutes.
MIKE
It wouldn't be much of a movie, then.
JEFF
I told you, it wasn't what I expected. Maybe Dances With
Wolves needs to get back to his Indian roots.
MIKE
And you don't call them "Indians" anymore. They prefer to be
called Native Americans.
JEFF
Well, yeah. I think that's implied.
MIKE
What do you mean?
JEFF
Of course Indians are Native Americans. They were born here,
just like us.
MIKE
No, they're not just like us. They're FROM here.
JEFF
Me too. I was born in Iowa.
MIKE
They're not from here, they're FROM HERE. As in "born in
America." They originated in America.
JEFF
Me too. I was born in Iowa.
MIKE
They're originated in America! They settled here before our
ancestors did. If you go back far enough, we aren't actually
native Americans.
JEFF
I don't understand. Are you Canadian?
MIKE
No.
JEFF
Because that would explain a lot.
MIKE
I'm not Canadian. I'm American, but I'm not a Native
American.
JEFF
So you're a native American, but you're not a Native
American, but you're still American and Indians aren't from
India, they're from America? I get it. You're punking me.
MIKE
I'm not punking you!
JEFF
Yeah you are. Turn the camera off, I don't want to be
humiliated in front of my friends.
MIKE
Yeah, there's no danger of that. Look, just don't call them
Indians. And Kevin Costner is not a Native American and
Ashton Kutcher is not looking for his boat.
JEFF
I think I understand.
MIKE
Thank God.
JEFF
So if Kevin Costner doesn't have good tracking skill, how do
you think his buffalo hunting skills are?
MIKE
Subpar, at best.
BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.
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