Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff: The Guardian By Mike Rothschild LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff. JEFF So I saw that new movie "The Guardian" and it is not what I expected at all. MIKE What'd you expect? I mean, you saw the trailer. You knew it was a movie about a Coast Guard trainee, right? JEFF Oh yeah. There's storms and boats and Ashton Kutcher looking all heroic, and it was really exciting. MIKE So what actually happened in the movie? JEFF There were storms and boats and Ashton Kutcher looking all heroic, and it was really exciting. MIKE So everything that happened in the trailer happened in the movie, yet it wasn't what you expected. How is that possible? JEFF It's an Ashton Kutcher movie, I figured I was getting punked! MIKE I don't think Ashton Kutcher would spend the millions of dollars it takes to make a movie just to punk you. JEFF He might. The best time to punk someone is when they don't think they're going to get punked, or when you think you're going to get punked and someone else gets punked. MIKE Please stop using "punk" as a verb. Look, Ashton Kutcher is trying to establish a reputation as a serious actor. He doesn't want to be the doofus from "That '70s Show" anymore. JEFF See, that's just it. I figured since Ashton Kutcher isn't a serious actor, the movie would have to be really funny. Then I saw all the water and the boats and helicopters and Ashton Kutcher acting all serious and yelling about stuff, and I figured out what the non-punking version of the movie was. MIKE And that was...? JEFF "Dude, Where's My Boat?" MIKE What? JEFF Think about it! MIKE Do I have to? JEFF Ashton Kutcher found his car in "Dude, Where's My Car?" So to make the sequel even bigger, they have him lose his boat! MIKE Ok... JEFF But they can't get Stiffler to be in it with him, because he's too depressed from being dumped by Katie Holmes and having her baby look exactly like him. MIKE That wasn't Stiffler, that was...never mind, please go on. JEFF So Ashton Kutcher needs to find his boat, so he hires Dances With Wolves, because he's got such good tracking skills from hanging out with Indians. MIKE I just can't begin to tell you how many things are wrong with that. Dances With Wolves is a character played by Kevin Costner, who IS in "The Guardian." And Kevin Costner does not have good tracking skills. If you truly needed to find something, Kevin Costner would NOT be the person I'd hire. JEFF I can totally understand why Ashton Kutcher would want him to help find his boat. He's always finding stuff and getting to the bottom of stuff, like in that "JFK" movie. It's like "Dude, where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." "Dude, where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." "Dude, where's my boat?" "Back and to the left." They'd it in five minutes. MIKE It wouldn't be much of a movie, then. JEFF I told you, it wasn't what I expected. Maybe Dances With Wolves needs to get back to his Indian roots. MIKE And you don't call them "Indians" anymore. They prefer to be called Native Americans. JEFF Well, yeah. I think that's implied. MIKE What do you mean? JEFF Of course Indians are Native Americans. They were born here, just like us. MIKE No, they're not just like us. They're FROM here. JEFF Me too. I was born in Iowa. MIKE They're not from here, they're FROM HERE. As in "born in America." They originated in America. JEFF Me too. I was born in Iowa. MIKE They're originated in America! They settled here before our ancestors did. If you go back far enough, we aren't actually native Americans. JEFF I don't understand. Are you Canadian? MIKE No. JEFF Because that would explain a lot. MIKE I'm not Canadian. I'm American, but I'm not a Native American. JEFF So you're a native American, but you're not a Native American, but you're still American and Indians aren't from India, they're from America? I get it. You're punking me. MIKE I'm not punking you! JEFF Yeah you are. Turn the camera off, I don't want to be humiliated in front of my friends. MIKE Yeah, there's no danger of that. Look, just don't call them Indians. And Kevin Costner is not a Native American and Ashton Kutcher is not looking for his boat. JEFF I think I understand. MIKE Thank God. JEFF So if Kevin Costner doesn't have good tracking skill, how do you think his buffalo hunting skills are? MIKE Subpar, at best. BLACKOUTTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.