"Movie Reviews With Mike and Jeff" Summer Movie Preview 2006 LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff. MIKE Hello, and welcome to Mike and Jeff's third annual Summer Movie Preview, where we give you a taste of the big blockbusters hitting cinemas this summer. JEFF Snakes on a plane. MIKE Yes, we will be talking about "Snakes on a Plane." JEFF Snakes on a plane! MIKE But our first big film is "X3: The Last Stand," coming out May 26th. JEFF Let me guess, no Vin Diesel in this one either, right? MIKE No, I don't think Vin Diesel is in it. Unless he's playing a new character. I know Kelsey Grammar is. JEFF Kelsey Grammar wasn't in the first two. MIKE I know. I just said he was playing a new character. JEFF But Vin Diesel wouldn't be a new character. He was in the first one. MIKE No, he wasn't. JEFF Vin Diesel was in the first one, then Ice Cube was in the second. Don't you even pay attention to who's in movies? MIKE Vin Diesel and Ice Cube were not in "X-Men." JEFF Duh! I know that. MIKE So what the hell are you talking about? JEFF "X3!" MIKE I get it. Vin Diesel wasn't in "X-Men" but he was in "XXX." JEFF Yeah. "X3." Triple X. Same thing. MIKE Not the same thing. Not even close. One is about the struggle of mutants against a hateful society, the other is some random action movie with a salacious and confusing title. JEFF Just because Vin Diesel has freakishy huge muscles and Ice Cube is black doesn't mean they're mutants. MIKE Ok. On June 2nd, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn star in "The Break Up," about a couple that breaks up but decides to keep living together. JEFF Jen strikes back! You go girl! MIKE Strikes back? JEFF This is her response to that homewrecker husband Brad Pitt tramping it up with that brazen slut Angelina Jolie. MIKE It's not a "response." It's a movie. JEFF Brangelina made that "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" movie about the two of them getting together, so Vincifer made "The Break Up" about the two of THEM getting together in response. MIKE Please never use the word "Vincifer" again. Look, they didn't MAKE the movie about them hooking up. They happened to hook up during the movie, just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did during "Mr. And Mrs. Smith." It's just a coincidence. JEFF So movie stars just happen to fall in love with each other every time they make a movie, and that all these hookups aren't part of a carefully calculated career strategy planned at the highest levels of Hollywood? Now who's being naive? MIKE Certainly not me. JEFF Snakes on a plane! MIKE Yes. On June 30th, Superman returns in..."Superman Returns." JEFF Gay! MIKE Look, just because the movie's director is gay and Superman's suit has an abnormally large bulge in the frontal area, that doesn't automatically make him gay. JEFF Mike, Superman is the gayest superhero of all time. MIKE Superman is not gay! JEFF He's gayer than Batman, gayer than the Flash. He's gayer than Aquaman, and Aquaman is GAY. His name is "Clark," which is a classic gay name. He spends all his time alone in the Fortress of Solitude, and everyone knows gay people like to be alone. And he wears his underwear on the outside of his pants. Do you know any straight people who do that? MIKE I don't know ANYONE who does that. If Superman was gay, explain his on-again, off-again relationship with Lois Lane. JEFF Hello? She's a beard! MIKE Even if Superman was gay, which he isn't, why would it matter? As long as he defeats Lex Luthor and saves the world, he can have sex with gorillas, for all I care. JEFF Gorillas? That's just sick. MIKE On July 7th, Captain Jack Sparrow is back in "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest." JEFF Do you know what it's rated? MIKE Rated? JEFF Yeah. What's "Pirates of the Caribbean" rated? MIKE I'm not falling for this. JEFF Falling for what? MIKE Please. Do you think I'm stupid? You ask "what's it rated" and I say "I don't know" and you say "ARRRRRR." JEFF What are you talking about? I would never do anything that juvenile. My nephew wants to see it, and I don't know if he's too young to go. MIKE Oh. Sorry. JEFF Really. Sometimes you treat me like a child. MIKE I know. And I'm sorry. I didn't even know you had a nephew. JEFF Yep. MIKE How old is he? JEFF He's nine years ARRRRRRR!!!!! MIKE I hate you. Now, there's some other films coming out this summer. M. Night Shamalyan's fairy tale, "The Lady in the Water," "Prarie Home Companion," "Miami Vice" and many others. But we end this year's Summer Movie Preview with the one film that people can't stop talking about. Mike gestures for Jeff to speak. JEFF What? MIKE I wanted to let you say it. JEFF Say what? MIKE "Snakes on a Plane." JEFF Snakes on a plane! MIKE You've been talking about it the whole time we've been doing this, so I thought you should preview the movie. JEFF What movie? MIKE "Snakes on a Plane!" JEFF That's a movie? I thought it was just a popular new catch phrase, like "Welcome to the OC, bitch!" or "Hey Macarena!" I guess so many people were saying it that they decided to make a movie out of it. MIKE No, it's always been a movie. The catch phrase caught on because the title is so cool. JEFF So what's it about? MIKE Who cares? It's called "Snakes on a Plane" and it's got Samuel L. Jackson. What else do you need to know? JEFF You know what, I think I get it now. So there's Samuel L. Jackson and the snakes on a plane. And that became this really popular catch phrase. But there's also that new Oliver Stone movie about 9/11 called "World Trade Center." MIKE Oh no. JEFF So the plane is the plane that hit the World Trade Center, and the snakes are the terrorists and the catch phrase became so popular because the movie is all about Samuel L. Jackson kicking the terrorists ass! And they changed the title, because nobody wants to see "World Trade Center" but everyone wants to see "Snakes on a Plane!" That totally makes sense! Long pause. MIKE I'm going to go hang myself. Enjoy your summer. Mike exits. Jeff turns to the audience. JEFF Snakes on a plane! BLACKOUTTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.