- May 19, 2006 - No Shame 100th Episode Spectacular (Los Angeles)
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.
"Movie Reviews With Mike and Jeff"
Summer Movie Preview 2006
LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff.
MIKE
Hello, and welcome to Mike and Jeff's third annual Summer
Movie Preview, where we give you a taste of the big
blockbusters hitting cinemas this summer.
JEFF
Snakes on a plane.
MIKE
Yes, we will be talking about "Snakes on a Plane."
JEFF
Snakes on a plane!
MIKE
But our first big film is "X3: The Last Stand," coming out
May 26th.
JEFF
Let me guess, no Vin Diesel in this one either, right?
MIKE
No, I don't think Vin Diesel is in it. Unless he's playing a
new character. I know Kelsey Grammar is.
JEFF
Kelsey Grammar wasn't in the first two.
MIKE
I know. I just said he was playing a new character.
JEFF
But Vin Diesel wouldn't be a new character. He was in the
first one.
MIKE
No, he wasn't.
JEFF
Vin Diesel was in the first one, then Ice Cube was in the
second. Don't you even pay attention to who's in movies?
MIKE
Vin Diesel and Ice Cube were not in "X-Men."
JEFF
Duh! I know that.
MIKE
So what the hell are you talking about?
JEFF
"X3!"
MIKE
I get it. Vin Diesel wasn't in "X-Men" but he was in "XXX."
JEFF
Yeah. "X3." Triple X. Same thing.
MIKE
Not the same thing. Not even close. One is about the struggle
of mutants against a hateful society, the other is some
random action movie with a salacious and confusing title.
JEFF
Just because Vin Diesel has freakishy huge muscles and Ice
Cube is black doesn't mean they're mutants.
MIKE
Ok. On June 2nd, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn star in
"The Break Up," about a couple that breaks up but decides to
keep living together.
JEFF
Jen strikes back! You go girl!
MIKE
Strikes back?
JEFF
This is her response to that homewrecker husband Brad Pitt
tramping it up with that brazen slut Angelina Jolie.
MIKE
It's not a "response." It's a movie.
JEFF
Brangelina made that "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" movie about the two
of them getting together, so Vincifer made "The Break Up"
about the two of THEM getting together in response.
MIKE
Please never use the word "Vincifer" again. Look, they didn't
MAKE the movie about them hooking up. They happened to hook
up during the movie, just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
did during "Mr. And Mrs. Smith." It's just a coincidence.
JEFF
So movie stars just happen to fall in love with each other
every time they make a movie, and that all these hookups
aren't part of a carefully calculated career strategy planned
at the highest levels of Hollywood? Now who's being naive?
MIKE
Certainly not me.
JEFF
Snakes on a plane!
MIKE
Yes. On June 30th, Superman returns in..."Superman Returns."
JEFF
Gay!
MIKE
Look, just because the movie's director is gay and Superman's
suit has an abnormally large bulge in the frontal area, that
doesn't automatically make him gay.
JEFF
Mike, Superman is the gayest superhero of all time.
MIKE
Superman is not gay!
JEFF
He's gayer than Batman, gayer than the Flash. He's gayer than
Aquaman, and Aquaman is GAY. His name is "Clark," which is a
classic gay name. He spends all his time alone in the
Fortress of Solitude, and everyone knows gay people like to
be alone. And he wears his underwear on the outside of his
pants. Do you know any straight people who do that?
MIKE
I don't know ANYONE who does that. If Superman was gay,
explain his on-again, off-again relationship with Lois Lane.
JEFF
Hello? She's a beard!
MIKE
Even if Superman was gay, which he isn't, why would it
matter? As long as he defeats Lex Luthor and saves the world,
he can have sex with gorillas, for all I care.
JEFF
Gorillas? That's just sick.
MIKE
On July 7th, Captain Jack Sparrow is back in "Pirates of the
Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest."
JEFF
Do you know what it's rated?
MIKE
Rated?
JEFF
Yeah. What's "Pirates of the Caribbean" rated?
MIKE
I'm not falling for this.
JEFF
Falling for what?
MIKE
Please. Do you think I'm stupid? You ask "what's it rated"
and I say "I don't know" and you say "ARRRRRR."
JEFF
What are you talking about? I would never do anything that
juvenile. My nephew wants to see it, and I don't know if he's
too young to go.
MIKE
Oh. Sorry.
JEFF
Really. Sometimes you treat me like a child.
MIKE
I know. And I'm sorry. I didn't even know you had a nephew.
JEFF
Yep.
MIKE
How old is he?
JEFF
He's nine years ARRRRRRR!!!!!
MIKE
I hate you. Now, there's some other films coming out this
summer. M. Night Shamalyan's fairy tale, "The Lady in the
Water," "Prarie Home Companion," "Miami Vice" and many
others. But we end this year's Summer Movie Preview with the
one film that people can't stop talking about.
Mike gestures for Jeff to speak.
JEFF
What?
MIKE
I wanted to let you say it.
JEFF
Say what?
MIKE
"Snakes on a Plane."
JEFF
Snakes on a plane!
MIKE
You've been talking about it the whole time we've been doing
this, so I thought you should preview the movie.
JEFF
What movie?
MIKE
"Snakes on a Plane!"
JEFF
That's a movie? I thought it was just a popular new catch
phrase, like "Welcome to the OC, bitch!" or "Hey Macarena!" I
guess so many people were saying it that they decided to make
a movie out of it.
MIKE
No, it's always been a movie. The catch phrase caught on
because the title is so cool.
JEFF
So what's it about?
MIKE
Who cares? It's called "Snakes on a Plane" and it's got
Samuel L. Jackson. What else do you need to know?
JEFF
You know what, I think I get it now. So there's Samuel L.
Jackson and the snakes on a plane. And that became this
really popular catch phrase. But there's also that new Oliver
Stone movie about 9/11 called "World Trade Center."
MIKE
Oh no.
JEFF
So the plane is the plane that hit the World Trade Center,
and the snakes are the terrorists and the catch phrase became
so popular because the movie is all about Samuel L. Jackson
kicking the terrorists ass! And they changed the title,
because nobody wants to see "World Trade Center" but everyone
wants to see "Snakes on a Plane!" That totally makes sense!
Long pause.
MIKE
I'm going to go hang myself. Enjoy your summer.
Mike exits. Jeff turns to the audience.
JEFF
Snakes on a plane!
BLACKOUT
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.
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