"Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff" By Mike Rothschild LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff. JEFF So I saw that Mission Impossible movie today. And man, Tom Cruise is NUTS! MIKE Damnit, we go through this every time we review a Tom Cruise movie. You can't say anything defamatory about Tom Cruise, because if you do, you'll get sued. And I don't know about you, but I don't get paid enough to cover a court case. JEFF I'm not even talking about...you get paid for this? MIKE I sure as shit don't do it for free...I mean, no, I don't get paid. I do it for the love of movies. JEFF Man, you're a sucker. Anyway, yeah, Tom Cruise is NUTS! He's totally obsessed! MIKE Well, he says he's in love. JEFF He's in love? How do you fall in love with an inanimate object? That's just crazy! MIKE Hey, Katie might be a bit of a blank slate, but I hardly think calling her "inanimate" is fair. JEFF Well, she is. Besides, her name isn't Katie. MIKE Right, right. Kate Holmes. JEFF I thought his name was Oscar. MIKE Oscar? Who the fuck is Oscar? JEFF The guy the award was named after. MIKE You mean THE Oscar? The Academy Award? JEFF I thought so. But maybe they changed it to the Katie. Doesn't have the same resonance, though. MIKE Jesus... JEFF What? He keeps talking about Katie this, Katie that. I figured it was all part of his obsession! MIKE Ok. Look. Katie Holmes and the Academy Award are not the same thing. One is a person, the other is a statue. And what makes you think Tom Cruise is obsessed with winning one? I'm sure he'd like to win one, but I'd hardly call that an obsession. JEFF No, I saw the movie, and realized the full depths of his sickness. MIKE Really. JEFF Dude! He blackmailed Truman Capote and forced him to fight a death match on film just to get his Katie! MIKE It's not called a Katie! It's still an Oscar, just like it's always been... (it hits him) Truman Capote? JEFF Yeah. Famous author. Won a Katie. Maybe you've heard of him. MIKE Oh Jesus. JEFF I mean, Tom Cruise has done some pretty weird stuff. But this is just over the line. MIKE I don't even know where to start. JEFF He went forward in time in that one movie with the bald chick who could see the future, then he went back in time to Japan in that other movie, then he got that really crappy haircut in "Collateral." He's really obsessed. MIKE Ok. Look. Truman Capote the writer is NOT in Mission Impossible III. The ACTOR who PLAYED Truman Capote is in Mission Impossible III, but he's obviously not playing Truman Capote. JEFF Well, yeah. Truman Capote isn't an international criminal mastermind. Which is why it's so weird that Tom Cruise would cast him. MIKE He didn't! He cast the actor who played Truman Capote! JEFF But I thought Truman Capote played himself in Capote. MIKE That's impossible! JEFF But I all heard when the movie came out was "oh yeah, he looks just like Truman Capote and he sounds just like Truman Capote." I just assumed it was Truman Capote. MIKE He's been dead for 20 years! JEFF Really? That would be kind of a plot hole, yes. MIKE KIND OF a plot hole? JEFF But then why did everyone say he looked and sounded just like Truman Capote! MIKE He's a good actor. That's why he won the Oscar. JEFF You mean the Katie. MIKE Stop it. JEFF So you're saying Tom Cruise isn't a good actor? MIKE He's a good actor. He's just not as good as Philip Seymour Hoffman. JEFF Who? MIKE The guy who played Capote. The same guy who was in Mission Impossible III. JEFF Ok, let me see if I understand this. MIKE By all means. JEFF This actor guy, Philip Michael Thomas. He played Truman Capote in the movie about Truman Capote, and he looked and sounded just like Truman Capote, but he wasn't Truman Capote. And he was also in Mission Impossible III, but this time he wasn't playing Truman Capote. MIKE Yes. Actors play different roles in different movies. JEFF And this guy played a villain, and Tom Cruise wasn't trying to kill him on screen to take his Oscar? MIKE Right. Yes. JEFF I think I get it. So does this mean Tom Cruise isn't nuts? MIKE Oh no. Tom Cruise is nuttier than a crate of cashews. JEFF Right. Doesn't that mean you'll get sued now? MIKE Oh shit... JEFF Yeah. Good thing you get paid so much. Who pays you, anyway? Mike looks and Jeff and shakes his head. BLACKOUTTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.