"Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff"

                             By Mike Rothschild



                                   LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff.



                                   JEFF

            So I saw that Mission Impossible movie today. And man, Tom

            Cruise is NUTS!



                                   MIKE

            Damnit, we go through this every time we review a Tom Cruise

            movie. You can't say anything defamatory about Tom Cruise,

            because if you do, you'll get sued. And I don't know about

            you, but I don't get paid enough to cover a court case.



                                   JEFF

            I'm not even talking about...you get paid for this?



                                   MIKE

            I sure as shit don't do it for free...I mean, no, I don't get

            paid. I do it for the love of movies.



                                   JEFF

            Man, you're a sucker. Anyway, yeah, Tom Cruise is NUTS! He's

            totally obsessed!



                                   MIKE

            Well, he says he's in love.



                                   JEFF

            He's in love? How do you fall in love with an inanimate

            object? That's just crazy!



                                   MIKE

            Hey, Katie might be a bit of a blank slate, but I hardly

            think calling her "inanimate" is fair.



                                   JEFF

            Well, she is. Besides, her name isn't Katie.



                                   MIKE

            Right, right. Kate Holmes.



                                   JEFF

            I thought his name was Oscar.



                                   MIKE

            Oscar? Who the fuck is Oscar?



                                   JEFF

            The guy the award was named after.



                                   MIKE

            You mean THE Oscar? The Academy Award?



                                   JEFF

            I thought so. But maybe they changed it to the Katie. Doesn't

            have the same resonance, though.



                                   MIKE

            Jesus...



                                   JEFF

            What? He keeps talking about Katie this, Katie that. I

            figured it was all part of his obsession!



                                   MIKE

            Ok. Look. Katie Holmes and the Academy Award are not the same

            thing. One is a person, the other is a statue. And what makes

            you think Tom Cruise is obsessed with winning one? I'm sure

            he'd like to win one, but I'd hardly call that an obsession.



                                   JEFF

            No, I saw the movie, and realized the full depths of his

            sickness.



                                   MIKE

            Really.



                                   JEFF

            Dude! He blackmailed Truman Capote and forced him to fight a

            death match on film just to get his Katie!



                                   MIKE

            It's not called a Katie! It's still an Oscar, just like it's

            always been...

                          (it hits him)

            Truman Capote?



                                   JEFF

            Yeah. Famous author. Won a Katie. Maybe you've heard of him.



                                   MIKE

            Oh Jesus.



                                   JEFF

            I mean, Tom Cruise has done some pretty weird stuff. But this

            is just over the line.



                                   MIKE

            I don't even know where to start.



                                   JEFF

            He went forward in time in that one movie with the bald chick

            who could see the future, then he went back in time to Japan

            in that other movie, then he got that really crappy haircut

            in "Collateral." He's really obsessed.



                                   MIKE

            Ok. Look. Truman Capote the writer is NOT in Mission

            Impossible III. The ACTOR who PLAYED Truman Capote is in

            Mission Impossible III, but he's obviously not playing Truman

            Capote.



                                   JEFF

            Well, yeah. Truman Capote isn't an international criminal

            mastermind. Which is why it's so weird that Tom Cruise would

            cast him.



                                   MIKE

            He didn't! He cast the actor who played Truman Capote!



                                   JEFF

            But I thought Truman Capote played himself in Capote.



                                   MIKE

            That's impossible!



                                   JEFF

            But I all heard when the movie came out was "oh yeah, he

            looks just like Truman Capote and he sounds just like Truman

            Capote." I just assumed it was Truman Capote.



                                   MIKE

            He's been dead for 20 years!



                                   JEFF

            Really? That would be kind of a plot hole, yes.



                                   MIKE

            KIND OF a plot hole?



                                   JEFF

            But then why did everyone say he looked and sounded just like

            Truman Capote!



                                   MIKE

            He's a good actor. That's why he won the Oscar.



                                   JEFF

            You mean the Katie.



                                   MIKE

            Stop it.



                                   JEFF

            So you're saying Tom Cruise isn't a good actor?



                                   MIKE

            He's a good actor. He's just not as good as Philip Seymour

            Hoffman.



                                   JEFF

            Who?



                                   MIKE

            The guy who played Capote. The same guy who was in Mission

            Impossible III.



                                   JEFF

            Ok, let me see if I understand this.



                                   MIKE

            By all means.



                                   JEFF

            This actor guy, Philip Michael Thomas. He played Truman

            Capote in the movie about Truman Capote, and he looked and

            sounded just like Truman Capote, but he wasn't Truman Capote.

            And he was also in Mission Impossible III, but this time he

            wasn't playing Truman Capote.



                                   MIKE

            Yes. Actors play different roles in different movies. 



                                   JEFF

            And this guy played a villain, and Tom Cruise wasn't trying

            to kill him on screen to take his Oscar?



                                   MIKE

            Right. Yes.



                                   JEFF

            I think I get it. So does this mean Tom Cruise isn't nuts?



                                   MIKE

            Oh no. Tom Cruise is nuttier than a crate of cashews.



                                   JEFF

            Right. Doesn't that mean you'll get sued now?



                                   MIKE

            Oh shit...



                                   JEFF

            Yeah. Good thing you get paid so much. Who pays you, anyway?



                                   Mike looks and Jeff and shakes his

                                   head.



                                   BLACKOUT

• May 5, 2006 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.

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