"Movie Reviews with Jeff and Mike" By Mike Rothschild LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff. JEFF So guess what I got? MIKE The clap? JEFF Even better. I got a DVD copy of the pilot for the new Star Wars Network. MIKE The what? JEFF The all Star Wars TV Network. Now that George Lucas has finally finished the sixtology he's going to explore his last unconquered medium: television. MIKE A whole network devoted to nothing but Star Wars? What, are they gonna show the movies all day? I don't understand. JEFF No, it's all different kinds of shows set in the Star Wars universe, playing all day long. All Star Wars, all the time. MIKE 24 hours of original programming? How is that even possible? JEFF You obviously haven't seen the DVD of the pilot. MIKE Since this is the first I've heard of it, obviously not. JEFF The first show I saw is a day in the life of a Wookie family. It's them cooking and cleaning and doing domestic Wookie stuff. And it's all in Shyriiwook! MIKE Uh, what? JEFF Wookie language, duh. MIKE So it's just Wookies doing dishes, and it's not in English. JEFF And there's no subtitles. MIKE I can't imagine how that won't be a hit. JEFF In the first episode, there was a guest appearance by this android who has four arms and makes Bantha rump roast. I bet Martha Stewart can't make Bantha rump roast. MIKE Since Banthas aren't real, I'm guessing she can't... JEFF Then there was a performing arts program that had all these holographic dancers jumping around and waving ribbons. I think it was called "Soul Train Kashyyyk." MIKE Right. JEFF I think the best was an animated series featuring Boba Fett, which was weird because I thought he fell into the Sarlac pit, but it could have been one of the other clones that just looked like him and had the same voice. MIKE But how could it be Boba Fett if he was younger than the other clones...no, wait, I don't care. JEFF Oh, and there's all these music videos. It's so refreshing to see music videos back on TV again! MIKE Star Wars music videos? JEFF Oh yeah. Jefferson Starship, Diahann Carroll, Bea Arthur... MIKE Bea Arthur??? In a music video? On a Star Wars channel? JEFF Plus there was a documentary about Wookie holidays. Did you know on Kashyyyk, they have a holiday called Life Day? And you burn candles and wear red robes and exchange gifts. I wish we had something like that on Earth. MIKE We do! It's called "Christmas!" JEFF What are you talking about? MIKE You bought a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special. JEFF Star Wars Holiday Special? There's no such thing. MIKE Then how come Christmas and Life Day have the exact same customs? JEFF Oh I get it. You're one of those anti-Life Day liberals. You want to take Life Day away from us! MIKE Life Day doesn't exist. JEFF Then why did Han Solo take Chewie back to Kashyyyk to celebrate it? MIKE He didn't! Han Solo doesn't exist! Chewie doesn't exist! Kashyyyk doesn't exist! JEFF Now you're just talking crazy. MIKE Look, Lucas just made up Life Day as a way to cash in on Star Wars being so popular at Christmas. He wrote a script for a Christmas themed special where Chewbacca would go to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day with his parents. JEFF Then why did it have cooking shows and music videos? MIKE Lucas had to leave the show to start working on Empire, so his script got hacked up and turned in a holiday themed variety show with cartoons and bands. JEFF So you HAVE seen it! MIKE I've seen the Holiday Special. It's awful. It's the most godawful thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Cinderella Man. JEFF I won't sit here and listen to you defame George Lucas. MIKE Lucas hates it. He said if he could, he'd track down every copy of it and smash them with a hammer. JEFF I don't know what you're talking about. MIKE You watched it. Didn't it suck? Wasn't it boring and stupid and lame and badly written and badly acted and BORING? JEFF (thinks about it) Well...some of it was kind of dull. But the ending was awesome! Luke Skywalker flew into the Death Star and blew it up, just like in Star Wars! MIKE It was Star Wars! The last ten minutes of the Holiday Special is just a montage of scenes from Star Wars! JEFF I wasn't paying attention by then. I was too busy wrapping gifts for Life Day. You wanted the Cinderella Man DVD, right? MIKE No. How did you even get a copy of the Holiday Special? It was never officially released. JEFF I bought it on craigslist. MIKE You didn't pay a lot for it, did you? JEFF Is 180 dollars a lot? Mike shakes his head in disdain. JEFF Happy Life Day! MIKE Shut up. BLACKOUTTHIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.