"Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff: Hostage"

By Mike Rothschild

So I had quite a night. I went to see that new Bruce Willis movie, and I ended up in the hospital.

The hospital? Are you OK?

Oh yeah, I'm fine. But there's a really long story behind it.

What's the story?

Oh, right. Well, like I said, it starts when I went to see the new Bruce Willis movie.

How was it?

Brutally disappointing. Not even close to what I expected. Absolutely misleading in every possible way. There wasn't one single dancing prostitute in the whole movie.

Dancing prostitutes?

No whores, no hookers, no tramps, no ladies of the evening, no escorts. Not even any poor college girls only doing it for the money. Those are the best.

Hey, I like hookers as much as anyone, but not every movie has to have them in order to be a good film.

But this movie was supposed to have them. It was supposed to be chock full of dancing hookers.

Why would a movie about a police negotiator be chock full of hookers? Any why would they be dancing?

That was another problem! Every time I thought there was finally going to be a dancing hooker, it was just Bruce Willis blabbing into a phone trying to rescue somebody who doesn't have sex for money.

The movie is about Bruce Willis trying to save his family from terrorists. It's not about him saving hookers from terrorists, or saving his family from terrorist hookers!

I'm just saying that when you go to a movie called "Ho Stage" it's reasonable to expect that there will be hoes, and that those hoes will be dancing on a stage.

"Ho Stage"?

A pole would also be acceptable. Or some kind of vat filled with oil or mud.

"Hostage". It's "Hostage". Not "Ho Stage". He was negotiating for hostages because he's a hostage negotiator.

I just figured all the ads calling it "Hostage" and not "Ho Stage" were typos. Because what would people rather see? A balding, doughy Bruce Willis yelling into a phone about how he doesn't negotiate with terrorists? Or dancing hookers?

That's a very good point. But how could a movie called "Ho Stage" be released in our conservative climate? And how does any of this wind up with you in the hospital?

Well, I was still in the mood to see something sexy, but with a tinge of violence. So I snuck into "The Pacifier".

Uh huh.

You know, it's got a snappy, hard-ass title. And Vin Diesel is in it, and he's always killing people and bedding whores. And his movies are pretty good, too.

But not this one.

It was less sexy than "Ho Stage", if that's possible. Now I really wanted to see hookers and violence. And what movie has more hookers and violence than any other movie in history?

"The Passion Of The Christ".

Exactly. And just my luck, it's back in theaters! So I snuck in right when the beating starts. But it was less brutal than I remember. Like it would get to some part that should have been really gross, and it wasn't that gross anymore. Some of the brutality was missing.

Like it was edited out?

I realized I must have been having seizures in the theater, and every time I'd recover from one, I'd have missed more of the violence. So I took myself to the hospital.

Mel Gibson re-released it with most of the brutality and flesh-whipping cut out so the half dozen shut-ins who'd been turned off by the violence wouldn't have an excuse not to spend their money on it. It's called "The Passion Re-Cut". You weren't having a seizure, you were being ripped off.

What a stupid idea. Who would watch "The Passion" without the brutality? Anyway, when I checked into the hospital there was this awesome porno movie playing in the lobby.

There was a porno playing in the lobby? What hospital did you go to, Saint Caligula's?

And this was a great porno, way better than "The Passion". It was an unending loop of chicks fondling their breasts.

Uh huh.

Rubbing them and squeezing them and massaging them. Sometimes a girl in a nurses' costume would fondle them for her. It was hot. I was so turned on I started doing it myself, like this.

God damn that feels good! Come on, do it with me. What, you need some help? I'll help.

Get away from me.

Hey, I'm just trying to help.

Hang on. Was the nurse lifting up the breast and gently pressing all around the nipple and base?

So you have seen it?

It's a self-examination video! It teaches women how to check their breasts for tumors! It's not a porno, you sick freak!

Who cares what it is? The point is I got so horny that I forgot all about the bad movies I saw! And I'm gonna watch it again tonight. You want come with?

Absolutely not. It's sick. You're sick!

Whatever. You're too uptight, just like those people who didn't want to see "Ho Stage". I'll catch you later.

Sick freak. Getting off on a breast-examination video. That's just wrong. Although...

Hmmm. That's not bad. That's really good. Oh yeah. Mmmm baby.

What the hell is that?