"Summer Movie Preview"

By Mike Rothschild

The summer movie season is upon us, and that can only mean one thing.

That's right, Mike. Movies, and a lot of them. A whole season. Months and months of nothing but movies. Sometimes, even more than one coming out on the same day.

Exactly. And to help you decide which ones you want to see and which ones you'll just download, we, Mike and Jeff, present to you our "Summer Movie Preview".

Where we preview the movies coming out this summer.

Right. Our first movie opens tonight, the controversial documentary from Michael Moore, "Fahrenheit 9/11".

Whoo, that's hot.

Well, Moore says it's "the temperature where freedom burns".

I'd think everything burns when it's that hot. Hair, clothes, diamonds...

It's just a clever tag line to sell the movie. It's not actually going to be 911 degrees outside.

And I'm sure it's even more with the humidity.

Probably. On July 2nd, we have "Spider Man 2".

I was really upset with the first movie. You know how the song goes (SINGS) "Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a spider can"? Well Tobey Mcguire was doing a hell of a lot of things a spider most certainly can not do.

But he's also a man. He can do things a man can do. That's why he's Spider...Man.

But the song doesn't say "does whatever a MAN can". A spider can't dodge missiles, throw cars at people or kiss Kirsten Dunst. Hell, men can't even do that.

The movie isn't based on the song. I don't even think the song is in the movie.

Well, sure. Because it's totally misleading.

Right. Misleading. On July 7th, we have "King Arthur".

Wow, I can't believe they're making that.

It's a great story with recognizable characters and action.

I know it has great characters and action. I just can't believe that cuddly little drunk could be King of England.

Cuddly little drunk?

Sitting there in his bubble bath, with a pitcher full of gin, laughing at his servants, slapping Liza Minelli's ass. That's no way to run a country.

It's KING Arthur! The movie is about the 1,500 year old legend of KING Arthur, not the leering alcoholic socialite from the movie "Arthur". Besides, how could they do another Arthur movie, Dudley Moore is dead!

Exactly! It's unbelievable AND disrespectful.

No, you know what's unbelievable? (Pause) Two days later, on the 9th, we have Will Ferrell's new comedy "Anchorman".

They made a Spider Man spinoff already?

Jesus Christ...

No, it makes sense. If "Spider Man" is part man, part spider wouldn't "Anchorman" be part man, part...uh...

Anchor?

Hmmm. Perhaps this movie wasn't very well thought out.

Well, I can see how you'd get a spider and an anchor mixed up. Especially when they're completely different, and "Anchorman" is about a television news reader.

You don't need to cover for the movie. We don't write them, we just review them.

Thank God for that. On July 16th, we have "I, Robot".

Like those things Geordi had in that Star Trek movie?

...what?

Those mechanical eyes he had, they zoomed in and showed all the colors of the spectrum. Those are awesome.

Not "eye robot". "I, Robot". Like I am a robot.

You're not a robot, Mike. You're a person.

Halle Berry in "Catwoman" on July 23rd.

That's gonna suck.

Yes! You are absolutely right. "Catwoman" is going to suck.

I mean, if "Spider Man" isn't really a spider, and "Anchorman" isn't really an anchor, then I'm sure "Catwoman" isn't going to have anything to do with cats.

You're right. It has nothing to do with cats whatsoever. "Catwoman" is a random title some studio picked out of a hat.

You really understand the way those studio hacks think.

On July 30th, we have "The Village".

People?

Movie.

Ah.

August 6th brings us "Collateral" starring Tom Cruise as a hit man roaming the streets of Los Angeles.

Not my street, though, right?

Well, I haven't seen the movie, but no.

Just to be safe, I should buy a gun, don't you think? I'd just feel safer knowing I had it.

In case Tom Cruise is coming to kill you.

You never know. I did fall asleep during "Eyes Wide Shut".

So did I and I'm not worried about Tom Cruise killing me.

Maybe you should be worried. You could be next on his list.

Speaking of next on my list, on August 13th, "Alien vs. Predator" comes out.

Let me guess, no Aliens or Predators in that one, either?

Would you stop being bitter about "Anchorman"?

I can't help it, I feel very misled.

Well, you weren't. And for the record, "Alien vs. Predator" has a lot of Aliens and Predators.

But no Anchormen.

Well, maybe one or two.

That's all I ask.

You know, rather than preview all the other crap that's coming out this summer, I think we should just tell everyone to go see "Farenheit 9/11" as often as they can.

You know, in four months of movie reviews, that's the first thing you've said that makes any sense.

What about "Catwoman" sucking?

OK, the second thing.