"Movie Reviews With Mike And Jeff"

By Mike Rothschild

Jeff? Are you here? Come on, let's go see "Harry Potter". I know you're here. Everyone knows you can't resist dive bars!

Excuse me, have you seen a guy, about five ten, black hair, goatee, wearing orange camouflage pants and a purple shirt?

Uh, I think I'd remember that. Who is he?

He's Jeff, my partner.

This isn't that kind of bar.

What? No, we review movies together at No Shame Theatre.

Like Siskel and Ebert? Are you the fat one or the dead one?

A few weeks ago he walked off-stage in the middle of a review so he could go find his cousin Patroclus, you know, the guy who looked like Brad Pitt in "Troy", and we're really behind.

I see. Why would you think he was here?

He really likes sleazy bars. (THEN) Not that you're sleazy.

Well, I haven't seen anyone like that, sorry.

Hmmm. Sorry to bug you.

So, have you seen any good movies lately?

Nope. Most movies are too expensive and too shitty.

Trust me, I know. What was the last one you saw?

"The Passion of The Christ".

Oh. It didn't make you want to kill Jews, right?

Jesus, no! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Well, Jeff saw it and it made him want to kill Jews.

That's pretty sick. Your "partner" sounds like an asshole.

No, he's a sweet guy. He just misses the point.

Like this one time, we were reviewing "Monster" and he got upset because there were no real monsters in it. And when we were doing "Hellboy" he thought Hitler was a fictional character created just for the movie. And he thought Starsky and Hutch were lesbians, and that David Bowie was at the Alamo, and that "24" and "Alias" were reality shows created by the government to recruit spies...God, I really miss him. I'm going crazy not having anyone to review movies with.

So go by yourself.

I can't do that. People who go to movies alone are pathetic.

Well then shut up about it and go find him.

I can't! I've looked everywhere!

Where have you looked?

Well...I looked here. And I called his cell phone.

Sounds like you're really trying hard.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not trying because deep down, I don't want to find him and I secretly want to review movies with someone else. Will you see "Harry Potter" with me?

Sorry, I haven't read the books.

Neither have I. We'll be like virgins.

I can believe that.

How about "Shrek 2"?

Didn't see the first one.

Then what about "The Day After Tomorrow"?

Sunday's my day off.

No, the movie, not the day. Come on, I really need this.

Look, I can't see a movie with you. I have a boyfriend.

It's just reviewing a movie, it's not like we'd have sex.

Seriously? You just want to go to a movie and that's it?

Well, we'd review it at No Shame the next week. But yeah, that's basically it.

I don't know...

Please? Any movie. I'll buy you a ticket and a garbage bag full of popcorn. Not that I'm calling you fat...

Any movie? How about "New York Minute"? I love the Olsen Twins.

Um, I've heard it's horrible.

How about "Godsend"? Robert de Niro never picks a bad script.

That's even worse.

Oooh, "Raising Helen"? "Soul Plane"? "Welcome To Mooseport"?

Those movie are all shit! Your taste is horrible!

Would you rather go to a bad movie with someone, or a good movie alone?

(Beat) "Harry Potter", and I'll give you 10 bucks.

Done.

By the way, I talk during movies. On my cell phone.

That's...fine.

I know.

(OUT) See, Jeff? I don't need you and your misunderstandings. Next week at No Shame, we'll have "Movie Reviews with Mike and Random Woman". Hmmm. I should find out her name.