"Movie Review: Van Helsing"

By Mike Rothschild

So I saw "Van Helsing". Terrible. Horrible. Worst movie ever.

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Everything abut it just sucked. The story was bad, the acting was bad. Were we really supposed to think Van Helsing was some kind of charismatic monster hunter? He was a goofball.

The acting was pretty sub-par, yeah.

And the preview looked so good. How can you go wrong with Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolfman in the same movie?

He was the worst Dracula I've ever seen.

That Dracula was so bad he wasn't even in the movie.

It would have been better if he hadn't been in it...

No, seriously. He wasn't in it. That's what made him so bad.

Huh?

If he'd actually BEEN in the movie, it would have been tolerable. But to have a movie about the guy who hunts Dracula and Dracula not even be IN it? That's just weak.

What are you talking about? That effeminate, mincing, overacting Dracula is a major character.

You'd think so from the previews. But nope. Not in it. Not even mentioned in it.

Oh boy...

And there was no Wolfman, either. And no Frankenstein. Not a single monster was hunted in the entire movie.

Are you positive you saw "Van Helsing"?

I'm absolutely sure.

Did you sleep through it? It's wall to wall monster action. It was bad monster action, but it was definitely there.

Not only that, but all those cool weapons Van Helsing had in the preview? Those weren't in the movie.

Yeah they were! He has a machine-gun crossbow and these whirling blade things. He uses them every five seconds.

Not in the version I rented.

How did you rent it? It just came out in theaters.

What do you mean, how? I just walked into Blockbuster and rented it. How do you rent movies?

The same way you do. But I don't rent movies that just came out in theatres.

You should, it's much cheaper. And I want my money back. Not just for the total lack of monsters and monster hunting. Kate Beckinsale was supposed to be in it, but she wasn't!

Yes she was.

I don't think so. Unless she looks like Tara Reid now.

Tara Reid? What does she have to do with "Van Helsing"?

She took Kate Beckinsale's role. Tara Reid's ok if you like used up looking blondes. But Kate Beckinsale is straight up hot! And she can kick ass. Too bad she didn't get a chance.

Yes she did! She kicked all kinds of ass! I don't know what movie you're talking about, but "Van Helsing" has tons of action, lots of Dracula and heaps of Kate Beckinsale.

The worst part is that the humor was terrible.

I thought there were some funny moments.

A few, but I expect so much more out of National Lampoon.

National Lampoon?

You'd think the gold standard in comedy would be able to do more than pump out hackneyed one-liners and jokes about bodily fluids.

OK. I'm going to say this one time, and only one time. National Lampoon, as great as it is, had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with "Van Helsing".

Then why was it called "National Lampoon's Van Helsing"?

It wasn't! National Lampoon wouldn't write a movie about a vampire hunter! I can't even fathom why you'd think they had something to do with it! Of all the ridiculous crap you've said over the last three months about David Bowie being at the Alamo and Starksy and Hutch being lesbians and Hitler being a fictional character...this is the dumbest! I can't do this anymore...

I quit. I just...I quit...you're on your own.

What did I say?

Here it is. See, I can prove I saw it. "National Lampoon's Van Wilder". Oh, I see. "Van Wilder" was a crappy college movie, and "Van Helsing" was a crappy vampire movie. No wonder Tara Reid was in it more than Dracula. Huh.