"Movie Review"

With Mike and Jeff.

So I saw that "13 Going on 30" movie the other day.

So what confused you this time?

Confused? I've never been confused by a movie! That's outrageous. (THEN) Which movie?

Well, you were upset because there were no monsters in "Monster", you thought Starsky and Hutch were lesbians, that "The Alamo" was about David Bowie, Hitler was a fictional character invented specifically for "Hellboy" and you wanted to kill Jews after seeing "The Passion of the Christ".

Excuse me if my opinions are too controversial for you.

"Controversial" wasn't the word I was going for, but OK.

Anyway, the movie was OK. I did think there'd be more action in it. But Jennifer Garner looks great in a wedding dress.

She gets married at the end?

She's supposed to. But it doesn't turn out exactly as planned. Her ex-boyfriend shows up at the wedding.

(DISINTERESTED) Huh.

And he kills everyone.

He...what?

Yeah, he's all pissed that Jennifer Garner is marrying some other guy, so he shoots like a dozen people.

In "13 Going on 30"? A PG rated romantic comedy has a mass murder at the end?

Actually, it's at the beginning.

You saw "Kill Bill, Volume 2".

No, I'm pretty sure it was "13 Going on 30". A woman wakes up after a long time and realizes her life is totally different from what she expected.

That does sound like "13 Going On 30"...

So she goes undercover to stop the evil magazine publisher she works for and discovers her true self along the way.

Jennifer Garner was not undercover in "13 Going On 30".

Then why was she surgically altered to look like Uma Thurman?

Why would Jennifer Garner surgically alter herself to look like Uma Thurman?

(DUH) Because if she looked like Jennifer Garner, she'd be recognized.

You're supposed to recognize her!

And reveal her secret identity on "Alias"? I don't think so.

Jennifer Garner is not an actual undercover agent. She plays one on TV. She's just an actress.

Sure. "Plays one on TV". "Actress". Everyone knows "Alias" is a reality show designed by the CIA for recruiting new agents.

Last week you said "24" was a reality show.

It is. Whatever they do to recruit new members must work, because everyone in counterterrorism is really hot.

Just because our government is shadowy doesn't mean everything involving shadowy government agencies is a reality show

No, just "24" and "Alias".

OK, so let's say, for the moment, that "Alias" is a reality show and Jennifer Garner is really an FBI agent.

SD-6.

Whatever! She still doesn't do anything in "13 Going On 30" that an FBI agent would do.

You don't think someone trained in sword fighting, motorcycle death racing and kung fu could be an undercover agent? Now who's being naive?

None of those things were in "13 Going On 30"! It had no sword fights, no motorcycle death races and no kung fu.

I don't think so. The version I saw had a lot of kung fu.

Because the version you saw was"Kill Bill" and it was a totally different movie.

Why would there be two versions of the same movie with different titles?

There's only one version of "13 Going on 30", and it has no kung fu!

Then what's the point of a movie about a government agent if there's no kung fu?

She's not a government agent. And she's not surgically altered to look like Uma Thurman. Uma Thurman and Jennifer Garner are different people. Just because they play characters that know kung fu doesn't mean one was altered to look like the other to protect the first one's secret identity.

Oh. I understand. Actresses can be different people. They're probably not undercover agents, even if they play them on TV.

Exactly. I think we've learned a valuable lesson today.

...but now that I think about it, anyone could be a surgically altered undercover agent. You could actually be Jennifer Garner altered to look like Mike Rothschild.

I don't think so.

But how do we know for sure? Unless...

What are you doing?

Testing you. If you're really Jennifer Garner, you won't use deadly kung fu on an innocent person.

Where are you going? You're a disgrace to SD-6! (THEN) Jennifer, wait! Do you want to have a drink sometime?