"Jew on Fire"
By Mike Rothschild
LIGHTS AT HALF. EMPTY STAGE.
The following preview is rated R for pervasive violence, horrific gore and mild language.
Lights up full. Woody enters and makes still poses.
You saw him take down Manhattan! You saw him nail Annie Hall! You probably didn't see the last ten movies he made. But now, Woody Allen is out for revenge! And this time, it's deadly!
The Mexican Mafia kidnapped the little girl who made my life worth living again. I won't rest until I've ground their bones into dust and pissed on their graves!
This spring, Woody's taking out the trash in...JEW ON FIRE.
Oh senor Allen, my husband and I can't thank you enough for trying to get our daughter back.
I'll take revenge on the scum who did this. Tell me about your daughter. How old is she?
She's ten years old.
Is she single? I'm just asking.
She slaps him and leaves. GANGSTER enters.
Woody Allen? What can you do to me? I own Mexico!
You know, any man can be an artist. Masturbation is my art, and I'm about to paint my masterpiece. All over my gym sock.
You Jews and your masturbation humor. You say it's sex with someone you love, but how can that be if you hate yourself?
Look over there. It's Marshall Mcluhan!
He looks away. Woody jumps on him and starts pounding on him.
Roger Ebert calls "Jew on Fire" a superior Borscht Belt revenge fantasy. Leonard Maltin said "Jew On Fire" burns like a Menorah. And "Guns and Ammo" Magazine said it'll make you want to beat on Muslims until your baseball bat is sore!
You tell your friends that I'm coming for them. And to rent my new movie "Anything Else", on DVD. It stars Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci, and I think it's the best movie I've made in the last six months.
He raises his fist again.
Stop! I beg you! No more movies, please!
Woody Allen IN..."JEW ON FIRE".
(OUT) Does anyone have any ice? I think I broke a knuckle.
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Tory Seiter, Jeff Goode