copyright © 2004 Mike Rothschild
"911 Is a Joke"
By Mike Rothschild
LIGHTS UP. VICTIM is standing on stage, counting money in his wallet. Suddenly, ROBBER bursts on stage with a weapon.
Robber
Gimme all your money!
Victim
Jesus Christ!
ROBBER
I'm not fuckin' around, gimme your wallet!
VICTIM
OK, OK. Jesus, take it.
ROBBER
GIVE IT TO ME OR I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
Victim starts to hand Robber his wallet, then kicks him in the balls. Robber drops his weapon.
ROBBER
Urgh...
VICTIM
Motherfucker! I'm calling 911 on your ass.
Victim takes out his cellphone and dials.
VICTIM
Oh yeah, the cops are gonna haul you away. I'm putting it on speaker phone, so you can hear it all!
911
Thank you for calling 911 emergency hotline. All our circuits are currently busy, but your call is important to us.
VICTIM
Busy?
ROBBER
You motherfucker. You kicked me in the nuts!
911
Please hold. Your call will be taken as soon as possible.
Hold music, Sting's "Fields of Gold", plays. The Robber starts getting up.
VICTIM
Can you hang on just a second?
ROBBER
Hang on a second? This is a robbery, bitch, not the drive through at Del Taco.
Robber slowly advances on victim.
VICTIM
Come on! This isn't fair!
Pause.
ROBBER
It is kind of shitty. I didn't even know 911 could be busy.
VICTIM
I know! I'm in mortal danger, and all I can do is listen to Sting. What the hell is that?
Hold music pauses.
911
Thank you for holding. All circuits are currently busy. A representative from the LAPD will be with you in (ROBOTIC VOICE) four (REGULAR VOICE) minutes. Please stay on the line.
Hold music continues.
ROBBER
Four minutes? (CONSIDERS) I guess I can wait. I'm having coffee with this hooker at 3, but it's only 1:30 right now.
VICTIM
It's 8.
ROBBER
Is it? I've been up for three days, so, you know...
VICTIM
Well, sure.
ROBBER
It doesn't really seem right that 911 can be busy.
VICTIM
No kidding. I mean, what the hell do our taxes pay for?
ROBBER
I don't exactly have taxable income, but I get you.
VICTIM
Oh, right. Hence the robbing.
Hold music pauses.
911
Thank you for holding...
VICTIM
Finally!
911
All circuits are currently busy. A representative from the LAPD will be with you in (ROBOTIC VOICE) seven (REGULAR VOICE) minutes. Please stay on the line.
rOBBER
Seven? They said four minutes two minutes ago!
911
If you would like to contribute to the Policeman's Ball, please press the pound sign.
Hold music continues.
VICTIM
Christ.
ROBBER
I feel bad for you. I was gonna rob you and kill you because you saw my face. But you're really getting jerked around.
VICTIM
No shit. What if you'd already shot me?
ROBBER
It's not like you can put massive internal bleeding on hold.
VICTIM
This isn't fair to either of us. I deserve police protection, and you deserve the chance to die in a bloody shootout.
ROBBER
Or commit suicide by cop. Fuck it, I'll go rob somebody else.
VICTIM
I appreciate that.
ROBBER
Hey, you should write a letter or something.
VICTIM
I will. Good luck with your next robbery!
Robber leaves.
VICTIM
Nice guy. Hope he figures things out.
Hold music stops.
Cop
911 Emergency.
VICTIM
Uh, hi. I was being robbed, but it's cool now.
COP
Are you sure?
VICTIM
Yeah, it's cool. He left. I didn't need you.
COP
OK, then. Remember to rock the vote.
Victim turns off his cell.
VICTIM
NWA was right: fuck tha po-lice.
BLACKOUT.
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Brian Anderson, Cadry Nelson
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Trent Westbrook and Devon Chandler.
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