"Movie Review: The Alamo"

By Mike Rothschild

So I saw that movie, "The Alamo" the other day.

Before you even say another word, I want to make sure you aren't upset because the movie was called "The Alamo" and it had nothing to do with the Alamo Car Rental company.

Why would I think that? They didn't have car rental companies in 1836.

Exactly.

They might have had horse-drawn buggy rental companies. But I didn't see any in the movie.

Uh huh. But no cars?

I don't think so.

OK then. Just so we're clear. Continue.

Doing what?

Reviewing "The Alamo".

Oh. Right.

I don't even know why you went. What's the point of going to a movie if you already know that everybody dies at the end.

That's true. But the action scenes were good. And David Bowie kicked a lot of ass.

David Bowie? Playing a Texan freedom fighter?

No, you know, the real guy. The one they named the knife after. David Bowie.

Jesus. JIM Bowie was at the Alamo.

Jim Bowie? See, I thought it was David Bowie, and that they named the knife after him.

The Bowie Knife is named after Jim Bowie, who invented it. You don't think it would be a little weird to have a knife named after a bisexual British rock star?

I don't know. The British are different from us.

Also, the Bowie knife was invented 110 years before David Bowie was born.

Right.

David Bowie took his name FROM the knife.

Because his real name was Davy Crockett.

No, his real name was Davey Jones. He changed it because of Davy Jones from the Monkees.

So what was Davy Crockett's real name?

Davy Crockett's real name was Davy Crockett.

I thought Davy Crockett named himself David Bowie, after the knife. And Jim Bowie named himself Davy Crockett, after the guy wrestled bears.

Davy Crockett WAS the guy who wrestled bears.

So who was Jim Bowie?

Jim Bowie was the guy who invented the knife.

I thought they were the same person.

Jesus Christ! How could they be the same person? They were played by two different actors in the movie.

I did wonder about that.

Jim Bowie was the knife guy. Davy Crockett was the bear guy. They didn't name themselves after each other.

I would have thought everyone would have kept their own names, to make it easier in the heat of battle.

They did keep their own names. The only person who didn't was David Bowie, and he had nothing to do with the Alamo.

Right. But he was in the Monkees.

Davy JONES was in the Monkees.

You just said his real name was Davey Jones.

He changed it because of the Davy Jones in the Monkees.

Oh, I thought David Bowie changed his name because of the guy who invented the locker.

WHAT?

Davy Jones' locker.

That's a pirate expression. It wasn't named after a real guy.

I thought "Yargh" was a pirate expression.

It is! Pirates have more than one expression.

Just like Davy Crockett has more than one name.

Did you see the movie?

Did I see the movie? Of course I saw the movie! What kind of man would I be if I was reviewing a movie I hadn't seen?

Well, you thought Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett were the same person, named after each other.

Gee, you've never been confused at a movie before? A few weeks ago, you didn't think Mel Gibson was anti-Semitic!

Sorry. Just from the way you were sort of going on and on about stuff that had nothing to do with the movie, I figured you hadn't seen it.

(PISSED) Well, you figured wrong. I saw it. And I don't need to sit here and take this slander from you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and listen to my Jim Bowie records.