"Auctioneers on Strike!"

By Mike Rothschild

Well, the auctioneers won't give in to any of our demands, sir. It looks like they're digging in for a long strike.

Damn! I run the third largest auction house in the county, and I can't do any business! I have crates full of fine china, caviar and Faber-Gay eggs just sittin' there!

I could run the auction, sir.

You run the auction? Ha. I wouldn't let you run an auction if it was three rednecks bidding on a pile of donkey shit. Now get over there and break that strike. And take this.

A sock full of pennies?

Any one of those socialist pinkos gives you any shit, give them a thousand Honest Abe's upside the head. Now git!

What do we want, what do we want, what do we want, want, want?

More money, benefits, health plan, dental plan, vacation time, ice cream machine in the break-room, casual Friday!

When do we want it, want it, want it, want it, want it?

Now, now, now, now, now, now!

Uh, hi.

What do you want, what do you want, what do you want, what do you want?

I really think it would be best for everyone if you just stopped striking and went back to work.

We're not going back to work until you give us what we want, what we want, what we want, what we want!

Damn right, damn right, damn right, damn right, damn right!

I don't understand a word of what any of you just said...

Why don't you call your boss over here and see if we can get this worked out, worked out, worked out?

No, no. You can negotiate with me.

You gonna give us justice, give me justice, give me fair treatment, fair treatment, equitable wages, health plan?

And new gavels, new gavels, new gavels, new gavels!

I'm sorry, what? Nude gravel?

New gavels! New gavels!

We have a major auction of repossessed farm equipment tonight, and if we don't move it all, we'll lose the account.

What do we care, we care, we care, we care?

I sympathize with you. I mean, you guys deserve much more that what you get. You're auctioneers! But Boss told me to break the strike, so I have a sock full of pennies, and I'm not afraid to just start swinging.

If you touch me I'm gonna call my lawyer and get you put in jail so you'll get ass-raped by some pervert in the shower!

What in the hell kind of shitty ass shit is this shit?

They're not moving. Looks like I'll have to run the auction.

If you don't get back to work, I'm gonna fire all of you and outsource my auctions to India. Those damn Hindus talk so fast, your head'll spin like a dreidel on crack! Now git!

(To GROUP) What do we want, what do we want, what do we want, what do we want?

More money, benefits, health plan, dental plan, vacation time, ice cream machine in the break-room, casual Friday!

That's it! Bill, gimme that sock full of pennies.

All right, Honest Abe, let's do this!

Boss!

My heart! Damn the man who invented the buttermilk smoothie.

Beautiful new wallet, right here, who'll gimme ten, gimme ten, ten, fifteen, fifteen, twenty, twenty?

I got a brand new watch, who'll gimme five, ten, fifteen, twenty. Brand new gold Rolex, only worn once.

I got a sock full of pennies, all copper, all shiny, all the time, start off the bidding at a dollar, dollar here, dollar!

Stop! Just stop! Look at you! Fighting to auction off the scraps of that old dinosaur. Don't you know what you are? You're auctioneers! The few, the proud, the really-fast-talking. You have a sacred duty to help rich people buy over-valued crap they don't need. Without you, how would people buy old wedding dresses, Nazi staff cars or props from monster movies? All my life I've wanted to be one of you, and with your training and God's help, I will be. Now get in there and bang those gavels!

Auctioneers: speak quickly and carry a big sock.