"Movie Review: The Ladykillers"

By Mike Rothschild

LIGHTS UP. Jeff and Mike center stage, two chairs.

Jeff

So I saw that movie, "The Ladykillers".

Mike

Are you sure?

JEFF

Am I sure of what?

MIKE

Are you sure you saw "The Ladykillers", and didn't actually just walk into "Monster" again?

JEFF

Yeah, of course.

MIKE

And Charlize Theron wasn't in it?

JEFF

I don't think so. Unless she was playing the old black lady. And I'm pretty sure she wasn't. I'm not an idiot, you know.

MIKE

I can't imagine how I would have gotten that impression.

Pause.

JEFF

So I saw that movie "The Ladykillers".

MIKE

What do you think?

JEFF

Let's just say, I prefer the Original.

MIKE

So you thought the Alec Guinness version was better?

JEFF

What does Alec Guinness have to do with anything?

MIKE

He was in the Original.

JEFF

(Shocked) He was IN it? Oh my God!

MIKE

Yeah. Peter Sellers was in it too.

JEFF

Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness are BOTH in The Original? I can't believe it! I'm disgusted, absolutely disgusted.

MIKE

You just said you preferred it.

JEFF

That was before I knew the horrible truth about The Original. I'll stick to the new version, thank you very much.

(pause)

There's no people in that, right?

MIKE

Of course there's people in it.

JEFF

No! Both versions have people in them?

MIKE

You just mentioned the old black lady who isn't Charlize Theron! Plus Tom Hanks...

JEFF

(distraught) Oh, no. Not Tom Hanks. He's America's Everyman.

MIKE

You don't like Tom Hanks?

JEFF

I love Tom Hanks! That's why I'm so upset!

MIKE

You love Tom Hanks, yet you're upset he's in the movie?

JEFF

(Anguished) No, I'm upset because they turned him into Extra Tasty Crispy Chicken!

Pause.

MIKE

Ok.

JEFF

You just said they did! You said he's IN the new version.

MIKE

Yes, he is! Tom Hanks is in the new version of the MOVIE!

JEFF

Oh, the MOVIE. I thought you meant he was in the new version of the chicken. But your way makes more sense.

MIKE

What chicken?

JEFF

Well, in the movie...we're talking about the movie right? In the movie, Tom Hanks plays Colonel Sanders, so...

MIKE

No, he doesn't.

JEFF

He's a well dressed southern gentleman with ornate facial hair. Who else could he be?

MIKE

Someone who isn't Colonel Sanders.

JEFF

It did seem a little weird that a movie about Colonel Sanders didn't have any fried chicken. Maybe it was edited out.

MIKE

It wasn't. Because it wasn't shot. Because the movie wasn't about Colonel Sanders.

JEFF

I'm really starting to see that now. BUT, before, when you asked me what I thought, I was still thinking the movie WAS about Colonel Sanders, so I thought you were asking me which kind of Kentucky Fried Chicken I preferred.

MIKE

No, I was asking what you thought of the movie.

JEFF

So when you mentioned Alec Guinness was IN the original...

MIKE

You thought I meant he'd somehow been turned into KFC Original Recipe Chicken.

JEFF

Exactly! And then you said Tom Hanks was in the new version, and the Extra Tasty Crispy is newer than the Original Recipe. Because that's the ORIGINAL recipe.

MIKE

Nope. He's not in the chicken. He's perfectly healthy.

JEFF

What about Alec Guinness?

MIKE

He's dead.

JEFF

But he wasn't made into Original Recipe Chicken?

MIKE

Not as far as I know.

JEFF

Phew. I'm really glad we got to the bottom of that. You know, it never made much sense to me, anyway.