"Movie Review"

By Mike Rothschild

So I saw that movie "Monster" the other day.

How was it?

Eh, I was let down.

Well, is Charlize Theron as good as they say?

She's fine, it's not her fault.

What was it? Weak story? Bad dialogue?

False advertising.

Huh?

The movie's called "Monster" and there's no monsters in it.

Well, I think Aileen Wournos was supposed to be the monster.

Who?

The woman in the movie. Who killed all those people.

Oh, right. I was so bugged by the lack of monsters that I stopped paying attention after a while.

I'm sorry, but what were you expecting?

I was expecting MONSTERS. Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, that flying turtle who shoots fire.

So you're upset that a movie about a female serial killer didn't feature a guy in a rubber suit destroying Tokyo?

The monster doesn't have to be Japanese. Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein or the Wolfman all would have worked.

Aileen Wournos killed seven men. That's not monstrous enough?

Sure it's bad. But a "monster"? What are her monster powers?

Her monster powers?

Dracula can create new vampires, the Wolfman has super strength, Godzilla breathes fire. She just shot a gun. Any idiot can do that. Doesn't make them a monster.

But I'm pretty sure it made her a monster.

OK, she died, right? Real monsters never die. They return for sequels and meet each other, or Abbott and Costello.

She didn't "die". She was executed by the state.

There you go. Real monsters don't get caught.

OK, you know she was a real person, right?

I know.

And while we all mourn for the victims of Dracula and Godzilla, the victims of Aileen Wournos are much worse off. Because they actually existed.

I know that too. It's not like I think Dracula and Godzilla are real. They're just characters in a movie.

Then why did you compare them to a real life serial killer?

All I said is that when you go see a movie called "Monster" it's not too much to expect some real monsters.

She was a monster! No, she didn't have super strength, raise an army of zombies or grow giant wings and shoot flame. But she killed real people! Not fake people living in fake Tokyo or fake Translvania! Real people!

(condescending)What was the movie called?

"Monster".

And what were there no?

Monsters.

That's why I was let down!