"Where's Your God Now?"
                                By Mike Rothschild

               RANDO is standing center stage when the LIGHTS come up. He
               speaks to the audience.

                                   RANDO
                         Uh, hi. I'm Rando, the Greek God of
                         Pudding. Used to be. Zeus fired me,
                         so I went to earth to live as a
                         human. It hasn't been going well,
                         but things are looking up now. I
                         got a new job, so you don't have to
                         hear me bitch about that anymore.
                         Now I've come to the Oracle at
                         Delphi to ask about my future...

               Suddenly, the LIGHTS go crazy.

                                   ORACLE (OFFSTAGE)
                         RANDO! I am the Oracle!

               The ORACLE enters. He is a grandiose figure.

                                   ORACLE (cont'd)
                         Let me get a look at you. And don't
                         worry about stepping on my foot.

               Rando steps on his foot accidentally. 

                                   RANDO
                         I'm sorry.

                                   ORACLE
                         (Through pain) I said don't worry
                         about it. 

                                   RANDO
                         Oracle, I've come to ask you...

                                   ORACLE
                         I know already. You want me to tell
                         you if you're The One.

                                   RANDO
                         The one...what?

                                   ORACLE
                         The One who will free humanity from
                         The Matrix, as the prophecy says.

               The Oracle continues examining Rando.

                                   RANDO
                         Like that movie?

                                   ORACLE
                         The Matrix is all around us. It
                         surrounds us and binds us together.

                                   RANDO
                         That's the Force! No, I've come to
                         ask you if I'll ever fall in love.

                                   ORACLE
                         Ohhhhh. No.

               Rando is taken aback.

                                   RANDO
                         Never? How can you be sure?

                                   ORACLE
                         If I wasn't, I'd be a pretty crappy
                         Oracle.

                                   RANDO
                         Why not?

                                   ORACLE
                         You're too short.

                                   RANDO
                         But I'm a nice guy! I have a job!

                                   ORACLE
                         Women want tall men. Don't you read
                         personal ads?

                                   RANDO
                         Isn't there anything I can do?

                                   ORACLE
                         You know what I'm going to say.

                                   RANDO
                         Put steel rods in my legs?

                                   ORACLE
                         Falling in love is like a plane
                         crash. The harder you try to make
                         it happen, the less likely it will.

                                   RANDO
                         That makes no sense.

                                   ORACLE
                         If I were you, I'd join the
                         priesthood. No height requirement.

               Rando looks away dejectedly. The Oracle produces a beer.

                                   ORACLE (cont'd)
                         Here, have a beer. By the time you
                         drink ten of them, you won't even
                         remember this conversation.

               Rando takes it and takes a huge swig.

                                   RANDO
                         I already feel better.

                                   ORACLE
                         I'm leaving. Short people depress
                         me. Leave the beer can. I recycle.

                                   RANDO
                         You're sure I'll never...

               Oracle makes a dismissive hand motion as he leaves.

               Dejected, Rando puts the can down and starts to go. Then he
               comes back, grabs the can and leaves. The Oracle comes out.

                                   ORACLE
                         I knew he was going to do that.

               BLACKOUT

• May 23, 2003 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Mike Rothschild, Brian Rochlin
  

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